Tuesday, October 26, 2010

"shine on, diamond eyes."

every time i get my hopes up, they just get broken, and i'm left again, shattered, hopeless, gone. for about five hours now i've been in the deepest low i've felt in a long time. sarah doesn't see me as any more than a friend, though i thought otherwise. but that's not the reason behind this. no. it was only the trigger.
 
have you ever felt pointless?
 
it's like there's a monster inside of me. this incredible pain. incredible lonely. incredible nothingness. it slashes at my insides. starving it used to put it to sleep. that doesn't matter anymore. it just feeds on what's left of my sanity.
 
i just feel this indescribable loneliness. there's no longer anything tangible tethering me to the earth. i need physical contact. a hug from a friend. holding hands with someone. something, anything. just a little reminder that yes, i matter. but i am untouchable. i am floating free. i am drifting deeper into the chasms of my fucked up mind.
 
i read a book about a girl whose best friend died. she died because she was bulimic. it wasn't electrolites. her esophagus ruptured and she died leaning over a motel room toilet. alone.
 
alone.
 
trying to fill the emptiness, i ate mac n cheese until cried with pain. then bent over the toilet until my mouth tasted like battery acid. why?
 
why not?
 
i want to leave. i just want to leave so everything will just FUCKING STOP. no more voices no more pain no more worryfearselfhatredsadness.
 
i asked zack what the hell he sees in this big mess of me.
 
"i see a radiant soul looking for another soul just as bright as hers... just don't stop shining."
 
stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

6 comments:

  1. Oh sweetie. Stay with us. You do matter, people care, at the very least zach cares and we care.<3

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  2. Stop. You're beautiful. Please post more pics of yourself on here, your face makes my day<3

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  3. ^^ to comment above:
    The book is Wintergirls. :)

    And please stay strong, dear. You are so wonderful and lovely, but you're just going through a rough patch right now. Everything will be better in time, I promise you that. <3
    Stay Superstrong <3

    -Molly

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  4. Zach is right, darling. You're wonderful, and i love you!

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  5. Please don't leave. You would be missed.

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