Tuesday, October 5, 2010

"it's all worth it."

I am sitting in class nursing a massive headache. My stomach feels like razorblades are shredding at the tissue, ripping it from the inside out. Not from hunger, but nausea. My vision is blurring. But I refuse to fail. I already started my day off with a fuckup that had to be quickly corrected. My dad came into the gas station with me this morning (I go every morning for coffee). I got my coffee and was about to go pay for it when he started staring at the donut case. He asked if I wanted one and, like the fatass I am, I said "Sure."

 

I ate it in the car, chocolate icing and all. Within seconds after that last sweet bite, I felt the guilt set in. I remembered that homecoming is Saturday. I remembered that I'm seeing molly today. I remembered that I didn't deserve to eat.

 

So when I got to school, I went straight to the bathroom. At 6:20am, it was empty. I forced myself into the stall holding back tears of anger and self hatred. Three fingers and five minutes later, my mistake whirled away to some far away place. Far from my mouth. Far from my stomach. Far from underneath my skin.

 

I've been listening to "eye sore" by janus lately. It's such a pro ana song. One line in particular I keep repeating to myself to stay strong, my sick mantra:

 

"Nothing is more important than what people think about you. The worry, the wonder, it's all worth it."

 

Stay strong, think thin, live ana

xoxoNikkioxox

3 comments:

  1. love that song. sorry the donut got you. they're sneaky. but good on you for getting rid of it. stay strong, darling.
    xoxo
    zette

    ReplyDelete
  2. It's not worth it. ):

    I used to live in terror of what others thought of me. Until one day I realised that the only person whose opinion matters is mine. (Well, and those around me who actually care.)

    You're losing weight for you. Not for others. Sure, the outcome's ultimately the same: weight loss. But there's less anguish when you phase out these peripheral blips whose opinions, at the end of the day, really don't matter.

    You're doing it for you.
    Because you're worth it.

    *hugs*

    ReplyDelete
  3. Evil donuts. Stay strong!
    best wishes,
    Kristina

    ReplyDelete

*** note: hater comments will be deleted ***