Sunday, October 31, 2010

happy halloween

it's been a rough week.
 
every night the feelings hit. the overwhelming feeling of alone. the depression. the emptiness. a few nights ago, i just couldn't take it anymore. i went to the mirror to take off my makeup and as i looked into my own eyes the self-hatred began to rage. the scissors were sitting right there. i tried to pry myself away. but five minutes later the scissors were making little red lines on my fat thighs. then deep gashes on my hip. nothing was bleeding enough, the vessels in my muscles all tucked away under the layers of fat. i could SEE the fat under my skin. and i thought, PROOF. no one can ever say i'm not fat because here it is and i'm seeing it and
 
I WANT IT OUT.
 
i sat there for at least ten minutes snipping away, trying to get out any little bit of fat i could. they looked like pinhead sized balls of snot. as i flicked them into the trash, i felt more satisfied. this is fucking doing something. this is taking action. this is taking control.
 
but then i found myself panicking. thinking, "what the hell did i just do?" within five minutes i was on the phone with zack, crying as i poured hydrogen peroxide on the wounds, hating myself.
 
now my jeans dig into the cuts. reminding me that i fucked up, bad. reminding me how fat i am. it makes me hate myself, slipping up like that, but it also kills any thought of hunger.
 
 
 
i manage to eat too little to gain, but too much to lose. i've only lost a pound this week. i think it's because i haven't planned out my eating. i haven't really set out to start a fast, or i change my mind the next morning. i fasted a couple days, ate one meal for the day a couple days, had a snack for the day a couple days. it's haphazard. today i'm just eating dinner, skipping trick-or-treating so the candy doesn't tempt me when i start a new diet tomorrow. i'll only be allowed rice, soup (broth based), baked potatoes (150cals... i was surprised!), and veggies. plus coffee and tea, of course. i'll only eat a maximum of 300 calories a day.
 
 
 
i spent the night at a friend's house last night, katie. she's so pretty, it's ridiculous. we have a lot in common. yesterday we discovered we have the same goal weight. of course, she's dieting the healthy way, but i still felt a bond over having the same goal. she's in the 120s now. i'm close to the 130s. not too terribly far behind. maybe, just maybe, i can get there first. we'll be skinny minis together... on a different note, it was really nice just being with someone last night. i only see her in a friend way; it was just really nice having someone physically there with me. for the first time in over a week, i didn't want to die when i laid down to sleep. because i didn't feel so alone.
 

 
halloween is my favorite holiday. i guess that goes hand-in-hand with being a little emo/rocker rebel chick, but i just love the atmosphere. i love that it's a fun holiday without being so cheesy and overly cheerful like every other holiday of the year. and i love dressing up, the one day of the year that it doesn't hurt inside to pretend to be something i'm not.
 
if you're getting candy, girls, don't eat it all at once. allow yourself a piece every night if you stick to your eating plan all day. reward yourself. it's very motivating :)
 
just use all your tricks and you'll get to your treats.
xoxoNikkioxox

2 comments:

  1. Awww, I wish there was something I could do to help. That feeling of wanting the fat out though, I know well. I have a panic attack and tend to scratch myself till I bleed trying to get it out (weird I know). Anyway much <3... say safe sweetie.

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  2. Wow, that's intense. Maybe this can be a sort of thin-trigger? Since you won't want to do this again, it'll help you abstain from crappy food. I hope all gets better :) That's AWESOME about your friend having the same GW! Race her to the finish line ;)

    xo
    Victoria

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