Wednesday, October 6, 2010

"all of this pretending is catching up to me..."


yesterday zack saw me looking exhausted and weak in math class. he asked what was wrong and i said "headache." he asked why and i said "i don't know." but i knew. and he could tell i was lying.

at band practice i swayed and blamed it on weed. as my vision turned black and back he saw my eyes widen.

battling the munchies at 10pm, i finally got the phone call. he just kept talking and talking, trying to reason with me, trying to convince me i need food, that it doesn't make me weak to eat, that i'm perfectly fine the way i am. lies. he had good intentions, but he was naive. i can't have food because i'm too fat and undeserving. if i eat, it means i'm a failure. he couldn't understand that logic that has become so commonplace in my mind.

it only led him to tears as he said seven words still echoing and echoing:

"you're scaring the hell out of me."

i made my best friend cry. i'm hurting him and i know it. even when i hide it i'm hurting him. he sees right through me.

but he doesn't understand how badly i need this.

homecoming is saturday. senior pictures next week. my mom is on a diet again, and losing. and i can't let her have the satisfaction of losing more than me. he doesn't understand this. he sees only black and white, healthy or hurting myself. i see a spectrum, though i don't know exactly where i'd be. i'm not yet at an unhealthy weight, which is where most of the risk comes from when you live like this. but all the other behaviors are there: the starving, the overexercising, the incessant need to continuously push my limits without rest.

what he doesn't understand is that this is my life since i was 14. this is all i know. this is all i understand. this is all i trust. and every time i wake up to step on the scale and see the number lower than the day before, it is only my proof that it's working. that i'm right. that i'm winning.


that i'm on my way to flight.

stay strong, think thin, live ana.
xoxoNikkioxox

6 comments:

  1. You shouldn't starve yourself. It will catch up to you eventually. The health risks aren't worth it.


    http://ificouldyouwould.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete
  2. I understand completely. It's nice to have a friend that cares, though. Be sure to beat your mom in the diet race!

    ReplyDelete
  3. It's good that he cares although it's never a nice feeling to make someone cry. And I know what you mean, about needing it. Xxx

    ReplyDelete
  4. Oh man :/
    tbh I see two sides to this.
    My side, I wish someone cared that much about me at the moment.
    The Otherside (Yours basically) Its annoying coz you're hurting your friend and seeing you're friend like that hurts you, and even more so because its to do with you.

    Man, I hope you're both okay. I'd kill for a friend like that, so think yourself lucky, yeah?
    I hope you feel better soon, yanno, as in I hope the migrains go.
    <3

    ReplyDelete
  5. Are you close to your goal weight hun?
    Hope you feel better soon!
    Stay strong <3

    ReplyDelete
  6. i know the balance is hard to get right and I get it.

    On one hand we know starving has risks,

    on the other hand you just can't help yourself. When everything is shit seeing a low number on a scale and feeling bones is the only thing that takes it away. xx

    ReplyDelete

*** note: hater comments will be deleted ***