Sunday, October 31, 2010

happy halloween

it's been a rough week.
 
every night the feelings hit. the overwhelming feeling of alone. the depression. the emptiness. a few nights ago, i just couldn't take it anymore. i went to the mirror to take off my makeup and as i looked into my own eyes the self-hatred began to rage. the scissors were sitting right there. i tried to pry myself away. but five minutes later the scissors were making little red lines on my fat thighs. then deep gashes on my hip. nothing was bleeding enough, the vessels in my muscles all tucked away under the layers of fat. i could SEE the fat under my skin. and i thought, PROOF. no one can ever say i'm not fat because here it is and i'm seeing it and
 
I WANT IT OUT.
 
i sat there for at least ten minutes snipping away, trying to get out any little bit of fat i could. they looked like pinhead sized balls of snot. as i flicked them into the trash, i felt more satisfied. this is fucking doing something. this is taking action. this is taking control.
 
but then i found myself panicking. thinking, "what the hell did i just do?" within five minutes i was on the phone with zack, crying as i poured hydrogen peroxide on the wounds, hating myself.
 
now my jeans dig into the cuts. reminding me that i fucked up, bad. reminding me how fat i am. it makes me hate myself, slipping up like that, but it also kills any thought of hunger.
 
 
 
i manage to eat too little to gain, but too much to lose. i've only lost a pound this week. i think it's because i haven't planned out my eating. i haven't really set out to start a fast, or i change my mind the next morning. i fasted a couple days, ate one meal for the day a couple days, had a snack for the day a couple days. it's haphazard. today i'm just eating dinner, skipping trick-or-treating so the candy doesn't tempt me when i start a new diet tomorrow. i'll only be allowed rice, soup (broth based), baked potatoes (150cals... i was surprised!), and veggies. plus coffee and tea, of course. i'll only eat a maximum of 300 calories a day.
 
 
 
i spent the night at a friend's house last night, katie. she's so pretty, it's ridiculous. we have a lot in common. yesterday we discovered we have the same goal weight. of course, she's dieting the healthy way, but i still felt a bond over having the same goal. she's in the 120s now. i'm close to the 130s. not too terribly far behind. maybe, just maybe, i can get there first. we'll be skinny minis together... on a different note, it was really nice just being with someone last night. i only see her in a friend way; it was just really nice having someone physically there with me. for the first time in over a week, i didn't want to die when i laid down to sleep. because i didn't feel so alone.
 

 
halloween is my favorite holiday. i guess that goes hand-in-hand with being a little emo/rocker rebel chick, but i just love the atmosphere. i love that it's a fun holiday without being so cheesy and overly cheerful like every other holiday of the year. and i love dressing up, the one day of the year that it doesn't hurt inside to pretend to be something i'm not.
 
if you're getting candy, girls, don't eat it all at once. allow yourself a piece every night if you stick to your eating plan all day. reward yourself. it's very motivating :)
 
just use all your tricks and you'll get to your treats.
xoxoNikkioxox

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

"shine on, diamond eyes."

every time i get my hopes up, they just get broken, and i'm left again, shattered, hopeless, gone. for about five hours now i've been in the deepest low i've felt in a long time. sarah doesn't see me as any more than a friend, though i thought otherwise. but that's not the reason behind this. no. it was only the trigger.
 
have you ever felt pointless?
 
it's like there's a monster inside of me. this incredible pain. incredible lonely. incredible nothingness. it slashes at my insides. starving it used to put it to sleep. that doesn't matter anymore. it just feeds on what's left of my sanity.
 
i just feel this indescribable loneliness. there's no longer anything tangible tethering me to the earth. i need physical contact. a hug from a friend. holding hands with someone. something, anything. just a little reminder that yes, i matter. but i am untouchable. i am floating free. i am drifting deeper into the chasms of my fucked up mind.
 
i read a book about a girl whose best friend died. she died because she was bulimic. it wasn't electrolites. her esophagus ruptured and she died leaning over a motel room toilet. alone.
 
alone.
 
trying to fill the emptiness, i ate mac n cheese until cried with pain. then bent over the toilet until my mouth tasted like battery acid. why?
 
why not?
 
i want to leave. i just want to leave so everything will just FUCKING STOP. no more voices no more pain no more worryfearselfhatredsadness.
 
i asked zack what the hell he sees in this big mess of me.
 
"i see a radiant soul looking for another soul just as bright as hers... just don't stop shining."
 
stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

Sunday, October 24, 2010

epiphany

i've come to the realization that i have wasted the past near 2 years of my life getting shitted on. that she's not worth wanting to die over. that I'M not the one who needs to change, it's HER. i was willing to change my world for her and she threw it in my face. i mean fuck, ever since i told her everything, she has not once asked me how i'm doing. yet she calls me freaking out because she smoked some bad weed and fainted. it's always about her. my therapist was right. she just wants to control the relationship. and i see that now. maybe we're meant to be, maybe we're not. but if she ever wants me back in the future, she's going to have to work for it.
 
besides, i've already found someone new. her name is sarah. she's beautiful. she's funny. she doesn't shut me out or hold her emotions in. she's ana. but best of all, she just makes me smile.
 
stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

Thursday, October 21, 2010

"you disgust me."

i played her the song. she said, "you're getting better at guitar."
 
i told her everything. she said, "wow. you lied to me for over a year."
 
she was silent.
 
i asked her to look at me. she said, "i can't."
 
i asked her why. she said, "you disgust me."
 
i asked her what was going through her head. she said, the other girl.
 
i begged her not to hate me. she said, "i could never hate you."
 
i told her i loved her. she said, "i love you too."
 
i pleaded with my eyes for that one last kiss. she said, "i'm not kissing you. not after what you just told me. you lied to me."
 
i stood by her car.
 
she drove away.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

"i miss telling you how beautiful you are, so i'll just keep on wishing on these fucking frozen stars..."

last night, i wrote one of the best songs i've ever written. "frozen stars."
 
i'm not living
i'm simply existing
the world is cold without you
i'm wasting away
it's harder every day
i don't know what to do
 
i miss telling you how beautiful you are
so i'll just keep on wishing on these fucking frozen stars
 
please don't shut me out
don't you dare
give me a 3 word reason
to stay here
please don't forget me
don't you dare
always remember
i'll always be here
waiting for you
 
you're pulling all the strings
you tied to me
i feel like i'm ripping apart
i just miss your voice
just know you still have all of my heart
 
i miss telling you i love you just the way you are
so i'll just keep on wishing on these fucking frozen stars
 
please don't shut me out
don't you dare
give me a 3 word reason
to stay here
please don't forget me
don't you dare
always remember
i'll always be here
waiting for you
 
i wanna tell you
tell you everything
but now you're gone
just when i was gonna tell you
tell you everything
it was too late you were gone
 
please don't shut me out
don't you dare
just give me a 3 word reason
to stay here
please don't forget me
don't you dare
always remember
i'll always be here
waiting for you
 

***

 

i wrote the words, music, practiced and recorded it all in one day. that's a rarity. i put it on my ipod and can't stop listening to it. i showed a couple of my friends, and they were shocked. they think i should show her.

 

i'm seriously considering telling her everything.

 

if i do, i won't be gone from this blog. i'll still be pro ana. i just won't be fasting anymore. and i won't be lying or hiding anymore. cuz i think it's the deception that ruined our relationship. as my disorder progressed, our relationship worsened. all the things she said changed, i can attribute to this.

 

wish me luck.

 

xoxoNikkioxox

Sunday, October 17, 2010

"i'm not suicidal. i've just lost my will to live."


 
molly found someone else.
 
there's no doubt this mystery girl is skinnier and prettier than me.
 
she said she hasn't felt in love with me for months. the spark is gone.
 
i told her i wish i could just take my spark out, tear it in half and put half inside her, fed it kisses til it grew.
 
i told her i'd rather die alone knowing i never stopped fighting for the one i love.
 
she says she doesn't want me out of her life. she just wants me in her life as a friend.
 
she says she's sorry.
 
everything that's happened these past few months has finally come together to break me. i feel like i'm being held together with dripping glue and all the pieces are slowly sliding off.
 
i just want to give up on everything.
 
i'm so alone..

Friday, October 15, 2010

"Be brave. Live."


friday night. the night before homecoming. i got dumped. again.

saturday we still went to the dance together. she was still acting like we were together, but just knowing that we weren't made me want to cry by the end of the night.

tuesday i found out that my dad has almost no chance of getting custody of my sisters.

wednesday i met a lesbian at my senior picture session and gave her my number. we've been flirting and the guilt is killing me. she doesn't know about molly. and molly doesn't know about her.

yesterday my parents found out i'm throwing up again.

i'm so lost. i don't know how to sort out all these emotions.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

"all of this pretending is catching up to me..."


yesterday zack saw me looking exhausted and weak in math class. he asked what was wrong and i said "headache." he asked why and i said "i don't know." but i knew. and he could tell i was lying.

at band practice i swayed and blamed it on weed. as my vision turned black and back he saw my eyes widen.

battling the munchies at 10pm, i finally got the phone call. he just kept talking and talking, trying to reason with me, trying to convince me i need food, that it doesn't make me weak to eat, that i'm perfectly fine the way i am. lies. he had good intentions, but he was naive. i can't have food because i'm too fat and undeserving. if i eat, it means i'm a failure. he couldn't understand that logic that has become so commonplace in my mind.

it only led him to tears as he said seven words still echoing and echoing:

"you're scaring the hell out of me."

i made my best friend cry. i'm hurting him and i know it. even when i hide it i'm hurting him. he sees right through me.

but he doesn't understand how badly i need this.

homecoming is saturday. senior pictures next week. my mom is on a diet again, and losing. and i can't let her have the satisfaction of losing more than me. he doesn't understand this. he sees only black and white, healthy or hurting myself. i see a spectrum, though i don't know exactly where i'd be. i'm not yet at an unhealthy weight, which is where most of the risk comes from when you live like this. but all the other behaviors are there: the starving, the overexercising, the incessant need to continuously push my limits without rest.

what he doesn't understand is that this is my life since i was 14. this is all i know. this is all i understand. this is all i trust. and every time i wake up to step on the scale and see the number lower than the day before, it is only my proof that it's working. that i'm right. that i'm winning.


that i'm on my way to flight.

stay strong, think thin, live ana.
xoxoNikkioxox

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

"it's all worth it."

I am sitting in class nursing a massive headache. My stomach feels like razorblades are shredding at the tissue, ripping it from the inside out. Not from hunger, but nausea. My vision is blurring. But I refuse to fail. I already started my day off with a fuckup that had to be quickly corrected. My dad came into the gas station with me this morning (I go every morning for coffee). I got my coffee and was about to go pay for it when he started staring at the donut case. He asked if I wanted one and, like the fatass I am, I said "Sure."

 

I ate it in the car, chocolate icing and all. Within seconds after that last sweet bite, I felt the guilt set in. I remembered that homecoming is Saturday. I remembered that I'm seeing molly today. I remembered that I didn't deserve to eat.

 

So when I got to school, I went straight to the bathroom. At 6:20am, it was empty. I forced myself into the stall holding back tears of anger and self hatred. Three fingers and five minutes later, my mistake whirled away to some far away place. Far from my mouth. Far from my stomach. Far from underneath my skin.

 

I've been listening to "eye sore" by janus lately. It's such a pro ana song. One line in particular I keep repeating to myself to stay strong, my sick mantra:

 

"Nothing is more important than what people think about you. The worry, the wonder, it's all worth it."

 

Stay strong, think thin, live ana

xoxoNikkioxox