Thursday, September 9, 2010

tumbling down

at this point, my family barely has enough money to buy bread and a half gallon of milk for the week.

at this point, i am stressing over breaking 30 on the ACT the first time i take it, because i will only get 2 chances before the college application deadlines hit. i am stressing over making it into the ONLY college i'm interested in.

at this point, i am stressing trying to figure out how the hell i'm going to pay for insurance, save up for a car, pay for gas, pay for EVERYTHING involving college, and have enough money to move out in may.

at this point, i am trying to convince my girlfriend that the message she saw on my facebook from an ana friend was nothing, even though it mentioned my blog and said that i could do better than her.

at this point, i have realized that you don't really realize how fucked up the world is until your best friend's little brother dies. i always find myself thinking about it. about her (i can't imagine what she's going through). about my own little sisters. daisy just learned how to crawl. and honestly, part of me's always worried that my mother will end up hurting her. or worse.

at this point, i am realizing that despite everything that happened with my mother, it doesn't really matter. she's gone back to her old bitchy self and treats me the same way. my dad never mentions what happened. my friends are sick of hearing about it. and the thing that hurts the most is that i can't do ANYTHING about it.

at this point, i have turned to weed to deal with everything else. this past friday through tuesday, i have been so high every day i can't remember anything from that whole block of time, just a blur of carrides, pipes, bubblers, bongs and cigarettes. i still kept my food journal. looking back are lists of daily binges. i gained six pounds in one long weekend. (thankfully yesterday's fast took off half of that). my sober friends are worried. i'm turning into the wrong kind of stoner and i know it. and if i don't make a change soon, i'm going to be a fat stoner as well.

i used to have all these pieces of my fragile world right in my hands, right there for me to see and analyze and just overall cope and keep it together. but all those little shards are coming unglued, slowly tumbling down to the ground.

slowly
tumbling
down.

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

3 comments:

  1. I am really sorry to hear about all this!
    For school can you get student loans or fasfa?

    What happened with your mom?

    Be strong hun, it will all work out (:

    x
    paiche

    ReplyDelete
  2. Added you on Facebook.
    Will only message you though.
    Your friend was silly to comment! O_o
    Hope you feel better soon

    ReplyDelete
  3. Aw, this is really tough =( I really hope that everything works itself out. There are so many paths you can take to help yourself, and I hope you find them :)

    Ugh, pot would be so much fucking better if it didn't involve cravings.

    xo
    Victoria

    ReplyDelete

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