hello lovlies. long time no post, eh? :)
i feel like there's a lot to talk about, but i don't know where to start, or how much time i have. but firstly, and probably the best news, is that i finally made it to the 130s. Yesterday morning i woke up and dragged my ass to the scale. i was greeted with 139. all my efforts the days before living off celery and black coffee finally paid off. this morning, even though i had starbucks yesterday when my best friend/unbiological brother came into town (at his insistance; i got a small caramel frapp), i was the same. and now that i'm here, there's no going back. i held in the 140s for so long and refused to go back to the 150s. now i can do the same. and just to prove everyone wrong, the results are going to happen faster from now on. no excuses. i'm getting better at excusing myself and lying my way out of food when i hang out with people. and honestly, i think that was the key to unlock that door between 140 and 139. i inched through, just barely, but soon that door will be wide open and far behind me.
people other than zack are starting to notice my habits. i bring celery with me to school because it's the only time i can force myself to eat it (it doesn't taste bad, but after a few bites it's easy to get bored with the flavor), and my friend lizzy has been accusing me of "never eating." saying "all you eat is celery." i just lie and lie. she's one to talk. the no-carbs-ever-dietpill-popping queen. she's probably jealous that i'm so much smaller than her now. she wears size 15 jeans. i'm not bashing, i'm just stating. and either way, it's kindof empowering, knowing that people (a rare few, but still some) are jealous. that i am skinny enough for ANYONE to be jealous. as long as she doesn't try to stop me, i could care less if she's suspicious. and if she does try to stop me, all it takes is another lie. molly's starting to notice too, but she's way easier to blow off. i just convince her i'm "dieting" (which is only half a lie) and she leaves it at that.
we're back together now, but i'm still scared that we're barely hanging on. i want to be perfect. i want to be her perfect girlfriend, too. and i don't want to be the "cute" girlfriend or the "pretty" girlfriend (which is a nice way of saying, "your girlfriend's fat, but she's not hideous"), i want to be the "hot" girlfriend. the skinny one. i'm the girl in the relationship, and she weighs less than me, even though she's taller. that's not right in my opinion. i want to be a tiny waif. i want her to be able to pick me up effortlessly to twirl me around, not just feel lucky that she's strong enough to.
and even more motivation; it's my senior year. my last homecoming is coming sooner than i think. senior pictures. the california trip. graduation. all these things that i DON'T want to be fat for. and if i fail at every other goal, if anything, i HAVE to be skinny for college. it's not even an option. first impressions mean a lot. i don't want to be known in college as the fat girl, or even the girl who used to be fat. i want to be the tiny girl. that mysterious waif smoking cigarettes and drinking black coffee at the lakeshore. college is my chance to start over, to be known as something different. a new me. it just HAS to happen.
although ideally i want to lose faster, i'll be realistic here. as i get into the healthy weight range, the weight's not going to peel off as easily, and i can't predict how hard it's going to be to lose when i get there. here's my goals for the next few months:
130 by homecoming
120 by thanksgiving (which happens to be a day we'll be marching in the downtown parade and my fat ass will be broadcast on tv)
115 by my birthday (December 16)
110 by new years (california trip; the big parade that will be broadcast on worldwide television)
i really don't know if i want to go below 110. we'll have to see how i look. the sound of 97 is so seductive. but with molly seeing what's underneath the baggy clothes, i won't be able to hide an emaciated body. as badly as i want to "beat" my mother at her old game, sometimes you have to prioritize. since this last breakup, molly's been at the top of my list, indisputabely, and it's probably going to stay that way.
lastly, i want to give a shoutout to all you readers. looking at your comments today really gave me strength. and a special shoutout to keep calm for standing up to that stupid hater. i love you guys, and i miss blogging on a regular basis. when i get a job i'm going to get internet on my phone so that iwll make things easier. hopefully that happens sooner than later.
stay strong, think thin, live ana