Wednesday, September 29, 2010

do you believe in fairies?

i've started seeing a therapist. i've said nothing about ana. but i know i'll be talking about these deep mood swings like i'm having right now. i like her, but i'm still cautious. i want to work through my trauma and my stress. for now, i'm leaving ana out of this.

i smoked blueberry kush last night. for you straightedge ana's, that means REALLY GOOD fuckin' weed. i've never been so high in my life. i just remember being really happy. i kept thinking of fairies, not hallucinating that they were there, just thinking of them. i've always loved fairies, even just the idea of them. so graceful, playful, happy. i just felt bubbly. like there was a warmth just permeating my body. i don't know how to describe it. but it was an amazing feeling...

when i woke up, there was a half eaten bowl of ice cream next to my bed. and i don't remember how it got there. the scale was merciful. no gain, but no loss. more than i deserve.

i want to be a fairy. i want to fly. all i am now is a fairy without wings. what kind of life is that? missing that one thing that makes you who you are, that you're lost without?

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

Friday, September 24, 2010

"how big of a secret can you keep?"

my dad asked me this when i got in the car.
 
"a pretty big one," i said. "why?"
 
"you can't tell anyone this," he said. "because your mother can't find out. i went to see a lawyer today."
 
a divorce lawyer.
 
if you've read my blog in the past and know about my family's experiences with my mother, you know that this is a GOOD thing. my dad has finally grown some balls and realized that the only way he's going to be happy for his future life is if he cuts my mother out of it. in two or three weeks, he's going to tell her and lauren, my 9 year old sister. she won't take it well, but i think in the end she'll be okay. and daisy's a baby, so she'll never know the difference. with my mom's mental history, and with her having a case of domestic violence against her 16-year-old daughter open, i think my dad has a 99% chance of getting custody of us. i'm completely willing to testify against her.
 
i can just picture our future in just a few months. me and my dad and sisters, living together without that constant loom over our heads. we can finally be happy. i can finally feel like i have a family; feel like i have a home.
 
finally, something's changing for the better. just have to keep focused on ana in the meantime
 
stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

ghost girl


i was looking at pictures on google and just stumbled upon that second photo, where she has the phone. when i found out it was allison harvard from my favorite season of america's next top model, i started looking at more, thinking the search would be flooded with full length photos flaunting her perfect 5'10" figure. instead i found thinspiration from a surprising aspect of the photos. she has such a haunted look, with her huge eyes and thin frame. she looks doll-like, and it makes her the kind of person that you don't just glance over. just that ghostlike effect of her face is thinspiring; you could only achieve that effect if you were really thin. i've always had a 'feel' for what i wanted to be when i'm thin. that artsy girl in black, smoking a cigarette and drinking black coffee. when i described my future self as mysterious, it sounded close, but not quite right. i've found the right phrase: haunted beauty. when i'm pale with my eyes sunken in, ribs hiding under my shirt, i will be a true ghost girl. i will shock people without saying a word, forever haunting their memory, even though they never knew my name.

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

some days


some days i feel so popular. everyone says hi to me and i get so many random hugs. people tell me, "oh, i was talking to so-and-so and apparently she loves you!"

so why do i constantly feel like i'm going to end up alone in this world? why do i constantly feel like everyone secretly judging me for my fat body and huge nose? why am i so goddamn paranoid all the fucking time?

last night, i think i told a random tuba player way more than i should have. i remember talking about my weight because he asked a random flute player if i was fat, to prove his point that i'm not (he's insane). i can't remember the rest of the conversation. why? cuz i was so baked it was like i was on a different planet. i woke up with wrappers in my bed. thankfully, ana was merciful. the number on the scale was the same as yesterday morning.

i'm done with this. i don't care what it takes. i will not eat solid food until homecoming. a 3 week liquid fast. it. has. to. happen.

even zack can't stop me.

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

Thursday, September 9, 2010

tumbling down

at this point, my family barely has enough money to buy bread and a half gallon of milk for the week.

at this point, i am stressing over breaking 30 on the ACT the first time i take it, because i will only get 2 chances before the college application deadlines hit. i am stressing over making it into the ONLY college i'm interested in.

at this point, i am stressing trying to figure out how the hell i'm going to pay for insurance, save up for a car, pay for gas, pay for EVERYTHING involving college, and have enough money to move out in may.

at this point, i am trying to convince my girlfriend that the message she saw on my facebook from an ana friend was nothing, even though it mentioned my blog and said that i could do better than her.

at this point, i have realized that you don't really realize how fucked up the world is until your best friend's little brother dies. i always find myself thinking about it. about her (i can't imagine what she's going through). about my own little sisters. daisy just learned how to crawl. and honestly, part of me's always worried that my mother will end up hurting her. or worse.

at this point, i am realizing that despite everything that happened with my mother, it doesn't really matter. she's gone back to her old bitchy self and treats me the same way. my dad never mentions what happened. my friends are sick of hearing about it. and the thing that hurts the most is that i can't do ANYTHING about it.

at this point, i have turned to weed to deal with everything else. this past friday through tuesday, i have been so high every day i can't remember anything from that whole block of time, just a blur of carrides, pipes, bubblers, bongs and cigarettes. i still kept my food journal. looking back are lists of daily binges. i gained six pounds in one long weekend. (thankfully yesterday's fast took off half of that). my sober friends are worried. i'm turning into the wrong kind of stoner and i know it. and if i don't make a change soon, i'm going to be a fat stoner as well.

i used to have all these pieces of my fragile world right in my hands, right there for me to see and analyze and just overall cope and keep it together. but all those little shards are coming unglued, slowly tumbling down to the ground.

slowly
tumbling
down.

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

139 at last

hello lovlies. long time no post, eh? :)
 
i feel like there's a lot to talk about, but i don't know where to start, or how much time i have. but firstly, and probably the best news, is that i finally made it to the 130s. Yesterday morning i woke up and dragged my ass to the scale. i was greeted with 139. all my efforts the days before living off celery and black coffee finally paid off. this morning, even though i had starbucks yesterday when my best friend/unbiological brother came into town (at his insistance; i got a small caramel frapp), i was the same. and now that i'm here, there's no going back. i held in the 140s for so long and refused to go back to the 150s. now i can do the same. and just to prove everyone wrong, the results are going to happen faster from now on. no excuses. i'm getting better at excusing myself and lying my way out of food when i hang out with people. and honestly, i think that was the key to unlock that door between 140 and 139. i inched through, just barely, but soon that door will be wide open and far behind me.
 
people other than zack are starting to notice my habits. i bring celery with me to school because it's the only time i can force myself to eat it (it doesn't taste bad, but after a few bites it's easy to get bored with the flavor), and my friend lizzy has been accusing me of "never eating." saying "all you eat is celery." i just lie and lie. she's one to talk. the no-carbs-ever-dietpill-popping queen. she's probably jealous that i'm so much smaller than her now. she wears size 15 jeans. i'm not bashing, i'm just stating. and either way, it's kindof empowering, knowing that people (a rare few, but still some) are jealous. that i am skinny enough for ANYONE to be jealous. as long as she doesn't try to stop me, i could care less if she's suspicious. and if she does try to stop me, all it takes is another lie. molly's starting to notice too, but she's way easier to blow off. i just convince her i'm "dieting" (which is only half a lie) and she leaves it at that.
 
we're back together now, but i'm still scared that we're barely hanging on. i want to be perfect. i want to be her perfect girlfriend, too. and i don't want to be the "cute" girlfriend or the "pretty" girlfriend (which is a nice way of saying, "your girlfriend's fat, but she's not hideous"), i want to be the "hot" girlfriend. the skinny one. i'm the girl in the relationship, and she weighs less than me, even though she's taller. that's not right in my opinion. i want to be a tiny waif. i want her to be able to pick me up effortlessly to twirl me around, not just feel lucky that she's strong enough to.
 
and even more motivation; it's my senior year. my last homecoming is coming sooner than i think. senior pictures. the california trip. graduation. all these things that i DON'T want to be fat for. and if i fail at every other goal, if anything, i HAVE to be skinny for college. it's not even an option. first impressions mean a lot. i don't want to be known in college as the fat girl, or even the girl who used to be fat. i want to be the tiny girl. that mysterious waif smoking cigarettes and drinking black coffee at the lakeshore. college is my chance to start over, to be known as something different. a new me. it just HAS to happen.
 
although ideally i want to lose faster, i'll be realistic here. as i get into the healthy weight range, the weight's not going to peel off as easily, and i can't predict how hard it's going to be to lose when i get there. here's my goals for the next few months:
 
130 by homecoming
120 by thanksgiving (which happens to be a day we'll be marching in the downtown parade and my fat ass will be broadcast on tv)
115 by my birthday (December 16)
110 by new years (california trip; the big parade that will be broadcast on worldwide television)
after that....?
 
i really don't know if i want to go below 110. we'll have to see how i look. the sound of 97 is so seductive. but with molly seeing what's underneath the baggy clothes, i won't be able to hide an emaciated body. as badly as i want to "beat" my mother at her old game, sometimes you have to prioritize. since this last breakup, molly's been at the top of my list, indisputabely, and it's probably going to stay that way.
 
lastly, i want to give a shoutout to all you readers. looking at your comments today really gave me strength. and a special shoutout to keep calm for standing up to that stupid hater. i love you guys, and i miss blogging on a regular basis. when i get a job i'm going to get internet on my phone so that iwll make things easier. hopefully that happens sooner than later.
 
stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox