Monday, August 2, 2010

sorry i can't give you a happy post again. i'm just not happy today.

this is going to sound like a schizophrenic jumble but at the moment i don't really give a flying fuck.

last night i laid down and just couldn't sleep. i tossed and turned and nothing worked. i texted molly and not ten minutes later i was bawling my eyes out because i do not want to go back "home." every time i walk through the hallway my head will just be playing and replaying nightmares. i'll be spending my entire senior year hiding in my bedroom waiting for the coast to be clear to go take a piss, just because i want to avoid Her. how are you supposed to live with someone that for weeks you've been living in the delusion that they no longer exist? she is a ghost. a bad memory that i don't want to revisit. if i go back, i just know i'm going to let myself spin out of control. the hypocrit i am, i already am tempted by daydreams of harder drugs. hit a vein and ride the H train. let the acid melt on my tongue and dissolve my troubles. snort the white powder just to say i had the guts. i already feel the cracks returning, all the pieces of myself being held together by the will to savor these last few days. but i know that if i find the resources and come up with the lies, if i had the opportunity given to me, i will no longer have the strength to be smart, once i go back.

just as i was starting to let that awful sunday slip into the back of my mind, the reality hit me that i have one week. saturday morning i will be back in my old room in that awful house with that... that THING. i don't want to see that face or hear that voice. i will be facing the walking dead.

that song i wrote that i posted here a while back, "dead to me," i'm going to write the music. and i am going to belt it every night until somebody GETS THE FUCKING POINT! my dad is the kind of person that, whenever a problem arises, decides that it must be swept under the rug and forgotten. everything must remain the same as it always has. he did that when he found out i was slicing my wrists on a nightly basis. he did that when my ziplock bags of rejected food were discovered in the garbage bin. and now he's doing it with this. after i was hit. pushed to the floor. bruised. choked. he just wants everything to go back to the way it was. it can't. it's not even about forgiveness, or resolving issues, or mending a relationship. she's dead. i'm done with her. but no one understands. everyone expects me to give her a second chance. the benefit of the doubt. to have hope that maybe she's actually going to try this time.

no.

i miss my sisters. but i can't go back. that is not home. that house is not a home.

i felt like once i came here, that dark cloud that had been looming over me and storming on me for so many years had finally left me. i could breathe again. for the first time in years. i've been happy here. genuinely happy. now i'm being thrown back into the rainstorm, to drown.

dammit. crying again. fuck. i hate crying. just another thing i can't fucking control.

i want so badly to be that little waif in black, smoking cigarettes and drinking black coffee, a slender mystery. so small, she's almost invisible. hiding behind the smoke. if i go back, my weight loss will not be due to a strive for beauty. it will be what it is: a loss. my stomach will be as empty as my eyes. i know myself well enough to know that my depression is going to hit me hard again. harder than ever before. thank god for rubber bands. but maybe when my bones are bruising my skin, they will finally realize that i cannot live there. that i will never be a happy, healthy, normal teenager if i'm under the same roof as that demon.

i'm not used to the lows anymore. i'm not used to the atmosphere of that awful place; as soon as you walk in it hits you how miserable everyone who lives there is. you wonder, "how can someone possibly live here? this house can't be a home."

dad keeps asking when i'm going to come home. i want to say, "i don't have a home to go home to."

i just want to scream and throw a tantrum. let them drag me crying down the sidewalk to my dad's car. maybe i will scream. surely i will beg.

please. don't make me go back!

8 comments:

  1. sweetie--not sure of your whole story or whats going on.
    do some research on mindfulness.
    try to just enjoy now...breathe...breathe...enjoy the present...don't focus too much on the future...worrying is NO FUN...
    I really hope you stay away from all the things you are thinking are ahead of you and whats on your road to come. It makes me sad to read.
    I hope you can talk to someone you trust, talk to your dad about your feelings or even talk to a therapist and just get your thoughts and feelings sorted out.
    Its amazing
    <3

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  2. hunny... i feel for you, I truly do, I know what it's like to reach an almost happy state then have to go back again and again to the source of all your problems, kicking and screaming inside.

    Don't start with hard drugs. You need to leave that mess behind yourself and prepare for a future which doesn't involve any of that shit. Plus if it comes down to it you don't want to give your mum an opportunity to point the finger at you and blame you for anything.
    Best of luck, xx

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  3. Hey, I've been reading for a while, but this is the first time I've commented. You know what, you are really strong! Even if you feel weak, you are so much stronger than you know. And all this pain, all this anger and hurt use it... turn it into resolve and discipline!

    Remember you get to walk away one of these days.. live your own life, be who ever you want to be... she doesn't... she has to be her for the rest of her life... how fucking miserable is that?

    Ps, I love reading your blog :D

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  4. Wow hun...I was said just reading this post. I couldn't even begin to imagine what you're going through. No parent should ever treat their child the way she did you.

    I wish I had the right words to say to make everything better, you know? I totally agree with what To Die For said, you're really strong even though you may sometimes feel weak.

    Soon, your going to be able to live your own life the way you want to live it- with out the fear, worry, or trouble of anyone holding you back.

    <3

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  6. We're all here for you, so is Ana.

    By the way, wanted everyone to know about a little pill called SlimQuick Capsules :D
    theyre super effective and make you feel that superb hunger feeling, not the painful one.
    Love to everyone, Nikki give yourself a big hug for me
    xoxo

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  7. by the way, my dad used to do that to me, and I cut/starve too.
    Just keep your head up gorgeous.
    They'd kill to see you fall ;)

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