thanks guys for all your comments! like i said to bluebutterfly, i really feel sometimes like this community is the only thing that keeps me strong. i'm really going to try to just keep my chin up and live in the moment. thank you all for reminding me that i'm stronger than i think. i can do this.
so today at lunch, for obvious reasons, i found myself again in that mental battle, "to eat or not to eat." every calorie is a war. as i walked into the cafeteria i was bombarded with the smell of fried chicken and mac n cheese. as usual, i got just enough food on my plate to pick at without being noticed as much. but after getting so dizzy from lack of food and water that i felt drunk that morning, after 4 hours of shallow sleep, i ended up eating all the stupid mac n cheese. it didn't even taste good. but my body was on its brink, and the survival instinct in me was screaming: eat, eat, EAT!
i went to the bathroom to override, starting to tear up because i was just so pissed at myself. when i finally had the bathroom to myself, away went the mac n cheese. when i came back into the cafeteria, zack was looking right at me. i averted my gaze to the floor. my knuckles and face were probably still red. or maybe he's just not fucking stupid. he asked, as soon as i sat down, "did you just...?"
i shrugged and looked away. an obvious answer. he wasn't mad, just concerned, wanting to understand. he asked why i did it. noted that i barely even ate anything. reminded me that he ate ten times as much as me, and he was just fine. but he let it go. that's what i love about him. he's concerned and just wants the best for me, but rarely if ever forces me. he knows better. he understands.
when i hung out with him after band, he started snacking and offered me a bite of everything. feeling guilty about lunch, i let my mouth open. a bite of some italian cookie thing, a piece of candy, a single ritz cracker. when we got ready to go to the band pool party, i asked him if i looked okay in my bikini and he just said, "you look fine. relax." and shot me a big smile. when we got to the party and they started serving food, he beckoned me to the line and asked me to just get "a little something." when i finished my apple and slice of watermelon, he asked if i was feeling okay. when we went to swim and i pulled off my tank, he read my mind and said, "you look okay, nikki," and gave me another big smile. he's just that good of a friend.
i really just want to enjoy these next few days. savor this last stretch of freedom.
stay strong, think thin, live ana