Sunday, August 22, 2010

"i'm not starving myself, i'm perfecting my emptiness."

for whatever reason, this quote really strikes me lately. i really do miss that eternal empty feeling that accompanies the long hard days of a true fast. between my emotional rollercoaster, my mom's sudden decision to start cooking family dinners every night (wtf?), and trying to see molly way more often than usual (and her always wanting to eat whenever we hang out), it's become harder and harder to get myself to that incredible high. i think about too much. last night i wrote a letter to molly that she'll never see. in it, i wrote: "my life is composed of waiting and fighting. all of what little energy i have without you here goes to fighting to get you back, and to surviving until you do finally come back." she said a few hours after i signed that letter that she just needs a few more days. i just have to hold out until then.
 
i'm trying to get myself back to routine, but it's so hard when everything's upside down. i don't think anyone truely realizes just how much i depend on her presence for normality in my life. in all aspects of it. even the abnormal ones.
 
when i saw mrs. w on the first day of school, the teacher who knows about my eating disorders, she said i looked good. a few people said that. it wasn't what i wanted. for so long i've wanted to just SHOCK people. knowing what COULD have been, how people COULD have reacted, is motivating. i need to make that hypothetical dream a reality. instead of surprising everyone with a before from may and an after in august, i will make them watch my transformation. at first, they'll be proud. they'll say "good job!" they'll say "you look great!" then i'll push it harder. i'll push it to, "are you okay?" to "you're losing too much weight." i want mrs. w to ask me if i kept my promise of 125. i want to see the look on her face when i tell her "no." i want to see the look on everyone's face when i answer, "110." i want to see the look on everyone's face when even "110" is a lie.
 
i need to get everything back under control. i have been casually restricting, just winging it without any plans, my decisions based soley on what i'd consumed since i woke up. no more. school's back in session. time for lying my way out of every meal and snacking on celery in class. time for using people's reactions to my not eating lunch as motivation to not eat lunch. i don't like the attention. i like the satisfaction. i feel stronger. when i sit at a table full of people stuffing their faces with pbj and waffle fries, i think to myself: i can do it. you can't.
 
opening my email today and seeing all your comments has only made me feel stronger. tomorrow's monday, the beginning of a new week. the bowl of lettuce and single scrambled egg i plan to eat today along with all your support will be more than enough to last me through the week. by the end of that, we'll see how hard i can push myself. it's always easier to get out of those situations you thought you'd be forced to eat in after you've been running on empty for so long.
 
i mean, what would YOU do to be high forever?
 
stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

8 comments:

  1. I know how you feel. I want to get the skocking looks. ' You look good' is nice but we don't starve for 'nice'. We starve for perfection. I want people to look at me and have their mouths pop open. I want them to say " You've lost A LOT of weight' with a worried look on their face. Let's get there togetyher <3

    You CAN do it Nikki <3 You are such an inspiration thank you for this post
    stay strong beautiful you're getting there

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  2. i completely get how you feel, just hearing that you look good means your not there yet, i got so happy when my boyfriend told me my spine and hips shown too bad and that i needed to eat more. i want to go back to that!

    good luck hun! =) xxoo

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  3. There was so much in this post that I so totally agree with. Wanting to shock people, then astonish them at my success. Feeling empowered by my own restraint in the face of others lack of it. Seeing how far I can push myself.

    Thanks for showing me I'm not alone in these opinions. Appreciate it. =]

    ReplyDelete
  4. EDNOS: the polite way to say 'wannarexic'

    -want to be skinny
    -not skinny
    -------------------------------------------------

    Attention Seekers

    A very special type of Ana, attention-seekers wholeheartedly believe they are actually anorexic, and thus, instead of looking for help, spend their days on Ana gathering sites, flipping between divulging how terrible their lives are and begging people to get help - all whilst staunchly defending the viability of the Ana movement by lashing out at any minor criticism and issuing emphatic GTFOs to any “fatty” who dare tread into the Ana communities.

    *YOU FIT THE BILL*

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  5. You can do this honey. <3
    Your blogs are inspiring thank you, :)

    xx

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  6. I know what you mean about wanting to look better than good, I don't want to be just 'good.' we're getting there. We'll get there. Stay strong <3

    Also to the anon above, wtf. We can all use google. Go away.

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  7. Hey don't beat yourself up just because the weight didn't fly off. Think of it this way, when you rapidly lose weight there is usually side effects. Like stretch marks and wrinkles. Now you can let everyone see you slowly dwindle down to that sleek size 0. They'll see you sitting in the cafeteria, nothing but a coke zero in hand, and think "i wish i had the strength she has"

    ReplyDelete
  8. That is how my brain works.
    You're amazing.

    ReplyDelete

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