Sunday, August 22, 2010

"i'm not starving myself, i'm perfecting my emptiness."

for whatever reason, this quote really strikes me lately. i really do miss that eternal empty feeling that accompanies the long hard days of a true fast. between my emotional rollercoaster, my mom's sudden decision to start cooking family dinners every night (wtf?), and trying to see molly way more often than usual (and her always wanting to eat whenever we hang out), it's become harder and harder to get myself to that incredible high. i think about too much. last night i wrote a letter to molly that she'll never see. in it, i wrote: "my life is composed of waiting and fighting. all of what little energy i have without you here goes to fighting to get you back, and to surviving until you do finally come back." she said a few hours after i signed that letter that she just needs a few more days. i just have to hold out until then.
 
i'm trying to get myself back to routine, but it's so hard when everything's upside down. i don't think anyone truely realizes just how much i depend on her presence for normality in my life. in all aspects of it. even the abnormal ones.
 
when i saw mrs. w on the first day of school, the teacher who knows about my eating disorders, she said i looked good. a few people said that. it wasn't what i wanted. for so long i've wanted to just SHOCK people. knowing what COULD have been, how people COULD have reacted, is motivating. i need to make that hypothetical dream a reality. instead of surprising everyone with a before from may and an after in august, i will make them watch my transformation. at first, they'll be proud. they'll say "good job!" they'll say "you look great!" then i'll push it harder. i'll push it to, "are you okay?" to "you're losing too much weight." i want mrs. w to ask me if i kept my promise of 125. i want to see the look on her face when i tell her "no." i want to see the look on everyone's face when i answer, "110." i want to see the look on everyone's face when even "110" is a lie.
 
i need to get everything back under control. i have been casually restricting, just winging it without any plans, my decisions based soley on what i'd consumed since i woke up. no more. school's back in session. time for lying my way out of every meal and snacking on celery in class. time for using people's reactions to my not eating lunch as motivation to not eat lunch. i don't like the attention. i like the satisfaction. i feel stronger. when i sit at a table full of people stuffing their faces with pbj and waffle fries, i think to myself: i can do it. you can't.
 
opening my email today and seeing all your comments has only made me feel stronger. tomorrow's monday, the beginning of a new week. the bowl of lettuce and single scrambled egg i plan to eat today along with all your support will be more than enough to last me through the week. by the end of that, we'll see how hard i can push myself. it's always easier to get out of those situations you thought you'd be forced to eat in after you've been running on empty for so long.
 
i mean, what would YOU do to be high forever?
 
stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

Monday, August 16, 2010

update, finally

first order of business:
 
jodi, you can go fuck yourself. seriously. the hell do you think you are? if you think you're some "ana goddess" or something, whatever. you might look good in the mirror (though that's doubtful), but on the inside you're ugly as the morbidly obese. "hugs and kisses!"
 
second order of business:
 
i got dumped. again. as soon as i got to band camp i got the text, right when i got off the bus. i didn't say a word. i just dropped all my shit, ran to zack and cried into his chest. my band director (the girl one, we have like 10 directors) ended up pulling me aside during a rehearsal break and told me to take all the time i needed to calm down. all weekend i was bipolar and i cried the whole 3 hour bus ride home. thank god zack invited my tears into his shoulder. i feel like he's the only one who really has my back, who isn't blowing it off just cuz this has happened so many times before. that doesn't make it hurt any less. she says it's not forever, she just can't handle not seeing eachother, which i guess i understand. still, i wish it wouldn't have happened.
 
i'm fasting until saturday. don't give a fuck what anyone thinks. first day of school tomorrow, and i'm only 20lbs lighter than the first day last year. progress. but not enough.
 
i miss you all. hope you're doing better than i am. shoot me emails if you want to contact me, it's easier to check than my blog. lettersfromana@live.com
 
stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

some stretch of freedom. today came straight from hell.

molly texted me at lunch saying she was grounded. her mom found her stash of weed. she told me i should just break up with her. i'm sick of her saying that. i got more pissed off than i think i've ever been in my life. i didn't even bother getting a plate with food to pick at. i grabbed a cup of water and stomped over to the table. threw my phone down. lizzy looked at me like i was crazy. "no food???" she asked in disbelief. i just shook my head no, still furious beyond belief and holding back tears. we argued, over text (which is bullshit, btw), all through my lunch. eventually she fessed up that the way she got caught was by SMOKING BY HERSELF DOWNSTAIRS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY WHILE HER MOM WAS HOME. i flat out told her, "you need to quit. and if you don't i will leave. and no more hiding shit from me either. i don't want to find out about shit you've pulled after it's already bitten you in the ass. i'm fucking serious." i think she got the point. but she seems reluctant to try. because she always assumes the worst about the future. and if her attitude is, "well, i can't quit, i've tried to before and this time won't be different," then our relationship is pretty much screwed.

obviously upset with this and everything else, i asked my grandma to take me to taco bell. scarfed down a quesadilla, taco and burrito in both hunger and anger. 10 minutes after the last bite, it was being flushed away.

and after i stepped out of the shower, my grandma told me that my dad's coming to get me tomorrow night.

this is my last night.

i'm going to break down.

p.s.: i might not be able to post anymore after today. i will miss you all. stay strong, if only for me.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

i'm really grateful for the friends i have.

thanks guys for all your comments! like i said to bluebutterfly, i really feel sometimes like this community is the only thing that keeps me strong. i'm really going to try to just keep my chin up and live in the moment. thank you all for reminding me that i'm stronger than i think. i can do this.

so today at lunch, for obvious reasons, i found myself again in that mental battle, "to eat or not to eat." every calorie is a war. as i walked into the cafeteria i was bombarded with the smell of fried chicken and mac n cheese. as usual, i got just enough food on my plate to pick at without being noticed as much. but after getting so dizzy from lack of food and water that i felt drunk that morning, after 4 hours of shallow sleep, i ended up eating all the stupid mac n cheese. it didn't even taste good. but my body was on its brink, and the survival instinct in me was screaming: eat, eat, EAT!

i went to the bathroom to override, starting to tear up because i was just so pissed at myself. when i finally had the bathroom to myself, away went the mac n cheese. when i came back into the cafeteria, zack was looking right at me. i averted my gaze to the floor. my knuckles and face were probably still red. or maybe he's just not fucking stupid. he asked, as soon as i sat down, "did you just...?"

i shrugged and looked away. an obvious answer. he wasn't mad, just concerned, wanting to understand. he asked why i did it. noted that i barely even ate anything. reminded me that he ate ten times as much as me, and he was just fine. but he let it go. that's what i love about him. he's concerned and just wants the best for me, but rarely if ever forces me. he knows better. he understands.

when i hung out with him after band, he started snacking and offered me a bite of everything. feeling guilty about lunch, i let my mouth open. a bite of some italian cookie thing, a piece of candy, a single ritz cracker. when we got ready to go to the band pool party, i asked him if i looked okay in my bikini and he just said, "you look fine. relax." and shot me a big smile. when we got to the party and they started serving food, he beckoned me to the line and asked me to just get "a little something." when i finished my apple and slice of watermelon, he asked if i was feeling okay. when we went to swim and i pulled off my tank, he read my mind and said, "you look okay, nikki," and gave me another big smile. he's just that good of a friend.

i really just want to enjoy these next few days. savor this last stretch of freedom.

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

Monday, August 2, 2010

sorry i can't give you a happy post again. i'm just not happy today.

this is going to sound like a schizophrenic jumble but at the moment i don't really give a flying fuck.

last night i laid down and just couldn't sleep. i tossed and turned and nothing worked. i texted molly and not ten minutes later i was bawling my eyes out because i do not want to go back "home." every time i walk through the hallway my head will just be playing and replaying nightmares. i'll be spending my entire senior year hiding in my bedroom waiting for the coast to be clear to go take a piss, just because i want to avoid Her. how are you supposed to live with someone that for weeks you've been living in the delusion that they no longer exist? she is a ghost. a bad memory that i don't want to revisit. if i go back, i just know i'm going to let myself spin out of control. the hypocrit i am, i already am tempted by daydreams of harder drugs. hit a vein and ride the H train. let the acid melt on my tongue and dissolve my troubles. snort the white powder just to say i had the guts. i already feel the cracks returning, all the pieces of myself being held together by the will to savor these last few days. but i know that if i find the resources and come up with the lies, if i had the opportunity given to me, i will no longer have the strength to be smart, once i go back.

just as i was starting to let that awful sunday slip into the back of my mind, the reality hit me that i have one week. saturday morning i will be back in my old room in that awful house with that... that THING. i don't want to see that face or hear that voice. i will be facing the walking dead.

that song i wrote that i posted here a while back, "dead to me," i'm going to write the music. and i am going to belt it every night until somebody GETS THE FUCKING POINT! my dad is the kind of person that, whenever a problem arises, decides that it must be swept under the rug and forgotten. everything must remain the same as it always has. he did that when he found out i was slicing my wrists on a nightly basis. he did that when my ziplock bags of rejected food were discovered in the garbage bin. and now he's doing it with this. after i was hit. pushed to the floor. bruised. choked. he just wants everything to go back to the way it was. it can't. it's not even about forgiveness, or resolving issues, or mending a relationship. she's dead. i'm done with her. but no one understands. everyone expects me to give her a second chance. the benefit of the doubt. to have hope that maybe she's actually going to try this time.

no.

i miss my sisters. but i can't go back. that is not home. that house is not a home.

i felt like once i came here, that dark cloud that had been looming over me and storming on me for so many years had finally left me. i could breathe again. for the first time in years. i've been happy here. genuinely happy. now i'm being thrown back into the rainstorm, to drown.

dammit. crying again. fuck. i hate crying. just another thing i can't fucking control.

i want so badly to be that little waif in black, smoking cigarettes and drinking black coffee, a slender mystery. so small, she's almost invisible. hiding behind the smoke. if i go back, my weight loss will not be due to a strive for beauty. it will be what it is: a loss. my stomach will be as empty as my eyes. i know myself well enough to know that my depression is going to hit me hard again. harder than ever before. thank god for rubber bands. but maybe when my bones are bruising my skin, they will finally realize that i cannot live there. that i will never be a happy, healthy, normal teenager if i'm under the same roof as that demon.

i'm not used to the lows anymore. i'm not used to the atmosphere of that awful place; as soon as you walk in it hits you how miserable everyone who lives there is. you wonder, "how can someone possibly live here? this house can't be a home."

dad keeps asking when i'm going to come home. i want to say, "i don't have a home to go home to."

i just want to scream and throw a tantrum. let them drag me crying down the sidewalk to my dad's car. maybe i will scream. surely i will beg.

please. don't make me go back!

Sunday, August 1, 2010

♥ ♥ ♥

thank you all SO MUCH for your fabulous comments. it really did brighten my day, and motivated me a lot! i liked keep calm's idea of posting a pic once a month. that's probably what i'll do. i had no idea my change was so drastic until you all pointed it out to me! thank you! i love you all.

me and a couple of my facebook peeps (including katerina) are aiming for 10lbs in 2 weeks. i've come up with a new plan to help me succeed in this. you all can join in on the goal, the plan, or both if you'd like.

monday: fast
tuesday: 200 cals
wednesday: fast
thursday: 300 cals
friday: fast
saturday: 400 cals
sunday: 200 cals

i'll have to purge dinner probably every night to stay within my calorie limits, and get my calorie intake from other snacks. i can eat snacks at band camp that fit in my calorie plan, and tell zack i'm eating breakfast and dinner, so he'll stay off my case about eating lunch. i'm also going to drink at least a gallon of water every day. i've never really done the calorie plan diets like 2468, ABC, or SGD, so i'm a bit wary about this. if i don't lose 5lbs this week, i'm just going to go back to what i was doing but be wayyy more strict on the weekends. i think this could work though, because it'll keep my metabolism going and gives me wiggle room on the weekends. but like i said, i don't have much experience in this. might get some critique on prettythin tonight before i actually decide to do it. my other idea was to go on a gatorade fast again, i dropped a ton of weight when i was running off gatorade when i had that stomach bug.

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

p.s. i decided my sidebar had wayyyy to much shit in it so i did some editing and condensing. ana's playlist, the links, and new "ana's cookbook" and "ana's bookshelf" are now under the link list "ana's world." the links connect you to my website, which has all the same links and more. i'd love to get more members on there.