Saturday, July 17, 2010
The Taylor Obsession (cont.)
so in all my obsession with taylor momsen and some not exactly legal music downloading, i decided to dedicate a video to taylor in all her skinny, sexy glory. so here it is (you can also see it on youtube by clicking here).
what started as a day planning to eat as little as possible turned into another fucking binge day. with everything that was going on, food was the only thing that kept my mind from going back to that fear, the memory of every horror, every emotion, every sting of pain. it takes 3 days to make a habit, and after 3 days of eating whateverthefuck wheneverthefuck i find myself struggling to be restrictive again. today i planned to eat a 70 cal egg roll and some cantelope for lunch and then as little of dinner as possible. that plan failed when halfway through eating my eggroll, my grandma told me we were going out to lunch. to one of my top 3 favorite restaurants. a chinese buffet. instead of the usual extreme anxiety, dread, panic, i just felt annoyed disappointment. "fuck it," i thought to myself. "how much damage can one day do?"
i didn't gain between yesterday and today, still tetering on that edge between the 140s and the 150s. tomorrow, no more excuses. i swear to ana that i will eat a lunch under 200 cals, drink only diet coke, coffee, water, and artificially sweetened tea, and eat as little dinner as possible tomorrow. i will jog 30 minutes and walk on the treadmill for an hour. whatever it takes.
i bought new clothes today that i can't even wear because i've gained so much this week. that pisses me off to no end. if anything my mario shirt that's too small as of now should motivate me.
on a random note, i'm going home tomorrow for a little while, just to visit i guess. i do miss my sisters, and my dad, and my dog and cat, but i don't want The Wench to be there. she undoubtably will, and i have a bad feeling that it's going to turn into them trying to get me to talk to her again. i have nothing to say to her. remember? she's dead to me. until she starts telling everyone the truth, i don't want to hear it. i'm not gonna sit there and take all her bullshit.
wish me luck, chew my ass out for being such a glutton, whatever you feel like. cuz at this point i think i need both encouragement and a kick in the ass.
stay strong, think thin, live ana