Thursday, July 8, 2010

if only you knew

text from my girlfriend: "Hmm. Why do u eat so much then babe? U work out and u enjoy it why do u put it to waste?"
well that's motivation if there ever was any.
she's absolutely right, even though she has no idea how little i actually eat. even though she has no idea that i am now at the point where i feel miserable guilt if i don't complete an hour workout in a given day. even though she has no idea about this blog, about this whole other self. carl jung would say that i have a distinctly separate persona and shadow. the me that i show the world, the happy 16-year-old who's working out and eating healthy like a 'normal' person. then there's nikki. the dark shadow. wannarexic, ednos, pro-ana, whatever label you wanna put on her, she's there. and it seems like every day the shadow stretches, covering that wonderful actress that is the persona. i wonder, when this psychological cancer as spread to it's full extent, when i am always standing in its cool shade, what molly will think. when there's nothing left of the persona, will she still love the shadow?
of course. she'll be thin.
stay strong, think thin, live ana

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  1. haha! i know the feeling hon. jake and i have been dating for a month now and when i asked him what he thought of my body, his reply was, "damn mara, you've got a nice body...but oh my god, start working out with me and you'll be the finest thing i've ever seen" so, it's like, ana's come back with a vegenece that nothing and nobody can fully fufill unitl i'm under my goal weight. bleh. it's a love hate thing.

  2. owch. That text is a bit rough... But you're right, it's amazing motivation for you. Stay strong, and show her how amazing you can look that way!


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