Sunday, July 25, 2010

"how we survive is what makes us who we are" -rise against

thank you guys, for all your comments! i really feel much better today, at least better than i have for the past few days. i snuck over to spend the night with molly and i think it was really what i needed. i smoked a whole pack of cigarrettes by myself so the nicotine's still probably surging through me; i'm sure that helps! lol

blue butterfly: i'd love to stick with this diet with you! i eat one meal a day during the week, so it shouldn't be too hard :) but hun, good luck getting ME to quit smoking. lol. i plan to stop when i settle down with a family. i know it's bad for me, but i really don't smoke much; i can't smoke at home so i only do when i'm hanging out with friends who smoke, and sometimes before school in the mornings. i'll be okay hun, there's other things that will kill me first before cigarrettes.

salix: thank you for reminding me of how far i've come so far. sometimes i have to remind myself that i'm roughly half way to where i want to be.

MimiBently: i'm glad i inspire you! i agree that fat is ugly (especially on me), but that's why we're here right? striving for beauty and perfection.

lulu: i wasn't aiming that comment directly at you, several people said the same thing over the course of the past few days. and it wasn't in anger. just frustration. because i don't see it. i can't see it. i don't see beauty in myself at all. freud would blame it on my childhood. lol

katerina: love you girl. i'm glad you of all people think i'm strong. it means a lot coming from you. yes, you were one of the tall girls i was talking about lol. i'm not complaining, it was a mini workout! lol. and i can totally picture you high on nyquil singing christina. thank you for giving me my first laugh for the morning :)

leena.leaner: i'm glad you like my blog! as for molly... we still fight sometimes like any other couple, but our relationship has come so far from where we have been. i truely feel that she's my soulmate; and when you find your perfect match, you don't let go. "in the face of true love, you never give up. even if the object of your affection is begging you to." -chuck bass

now for the legit blogging:

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yesterday i snuck over to molly's to spend the night. her mom was acting, well, VERY PREGNANT, so things didn't work out exactly as planned, but we still got to spend the night together at molly's friend's house, a double date with her friend's gf (lots of lesbians in molly's friend pool lol).

when molly changed her shirt, she leaned back to stretch, and i could see all her ribs. my eyes widened. i was jealous, surprised, and honestly, it was kinda hot. and i told her this. "babe.." i said, "i can see all your ribs." i asked her if she hadn't been eating or something and she said she hadn't been doing anything out of the ordinary. i guess she's just lucky to be that thin. but when she layed down and i could splay my fingers between her ribs, i wanted to cry. she's living my dream.

i got away with eating nothing but diet coke until 9:30pm when molly decided to go to dinner. my heart sank. i was loving the feeling of emptiness, but with the stress molly's mom was putting her through that night, i couldn't say no to her. so we went to o'charley's with her friend and her gf, the ones who we spent the night with. the whole car ride there i curled into her with my head on her shoulder, my head screaming at me. eat, don't eat, enjoy myself, fake cramps, get a salad, get the pasta i've been craving for weeks, what the hell am i going to do?

my stomach doesn't hold near as much as it used to, and it was not happy being filled with spicy southwestern cheese dip and spicy pasta late at night as its first meal for the day. after one roll, some chips from our appetizer, and about half my plate of bayou shrimp pasta, i felt like i was going to be sick. even moreso, i felt fat. i still feel full and bloated from last night. lucky for me, i forgot my leftovers at molly's friend's house, so i won't have the temptation.

i plan to stick under 1000 calories today. as long as i eat less than i did yesterday (which was 0cals until dinner, 1434cals... *slaps self in face*), i think i'll be okay. band camp starts tomorrow. 2 weeks of running around a football field in the ridiculous heat from 7am to 5pm. even when we just practice music, we're still standing. the only time we're allowed to sit is water breaks, snack breaks, and lunch. i just have to really careful around zack and really keep control. it helps that i'm vegetarian, i won't be able to eat 90% of the main courses they serve us.

starting tomorrow, i'm also going to start showing these. you can see a bit of the tanline from my bracelets, but i've been working all summer to fix it as best as i could. as you can see, i was pretty hardcore into cutting. you can see at the top where i wrote out "HATE" with my razorblade. i've come so far since then, i stopped cold turkey 2 decembers ago (when i started dating molly) and have only slipped up 3 times since, all of these long ago. i like to live by the quote, "how we survive is what makes us who we are," and see all scars (self inflicted or not) as symbols of the pasts we have survived. but i know that at first glance, this is not what people will think. i don't want people to think that i'm crazy, or that i'm still doing it, or that i'm a freak. i put myself out there as this independent, confident rocker chick who doesn't give a fuck, but deep down, obviously, i do. i don't want people to take this the wrong way. but i know the bracelets had to come off eventually. and i don't want to spend my senior year hiding behind armbands.

wish me luck, ladies. love you all :)

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

3 comments:

  1. dayummmmm. that's some crazy intensity going on. i luuurrrve you (yeah that was chaneling my inner Celine Dion. Many days I ask.. WWCDD (what would celine dion do?) ha ha. and yeah the nyquil was for my monster mosquito bites.... didn't do anything. ha ha. looove u

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  2. Hey girl. Glad to read you're doing better. YEah, I know what you mean about the whole soul mate thing. If it's true love you're willing to forgive all the past mistakes and move on together. Love can overcome any obstacle.

    xhoexhoe,Leena

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  3. wow darling. i know how much pain you must of been it. i know it hurts. im glad you've stopped cutting. its a hard habit to break so you deserve a big *hug* :)

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