Thursday, July 22, 2010

falling

i'm just in a hole. as today has gone by, i've slowly but steadily been sinking deeper and deeper. in school, my last class decided to have a food party because today was the last day. i dished up a plate like everyone else, the teacher popped in a lifetime movie about anorexics, and i ate my food and then asked to go to the bathroom. it all came up in an easy mess. flushed away like magic. my head was pounding. when i came back, i found out we were ordering pizza. my head hurt so badly that i decided against purging. "just one piece," i told myself. "just 3 square inches. that can't be too terrible." i wanted to stay away, i wanted to resist, but it was too hard. i caved. and i kept.

after school my grandparents decided to go out to eat at bob evans. the menu had, thank god, a low calorie mini-menu inside that had healthy options with the calories and fat for each item listed underneath. i picked a soup and salad combo, 156 calorie bean soup and 15 calorie garden salad. then when i got the soup, it had ham in it. i had to send it back. and the only vegetarian option they had was cheddar potato. when the waitress asked if i wanted it, i forced myself to say yes, because it was all i could say. but i just wanted to burst into tears thinking about all the calories, the fat, the carbs; especially after the slice of pizza. to my despair, the soup was delicious. it took strength to only eat 2/3 of it, only eat 1 chunk of potato and leave the rest at the bottom of the bowl, to keep my composure. i threw myself on the treadmill for a painful hour as punishment. my heel started bleeding. i got a fat stain on my tennis shoe. but i just took them off and kept going, in my socks. when i stopped, i could not walk. usually when i exercise, i feel better. right now, i just feel depressed and exhausted.

one of my pro-ana friends looked at my real facebook, and when she saw the pictures of me she said i was pretty. gorgeous. words that i would never describe myself as. i don't see it. i don't think i'm pretty. i don't think i ever will be, i'll just get as close as possible when i'm thin. i feel like most of my friends aren't really friends with me. i feel like i'm not even liked, like people at school only talk to me because they don't want to be rude. do people think i'm weird? do they laugh at my jokes and comments because they're funny, or because they're laughing at me being stupid? will i still worry like this when i'm thin?

will i ever even get there?

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

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