i almost passed out today. outside this morning in the 100 degree heat running on nothing but black coffee, i felt myself starting to sway. i felt my muscles giving up on me, refusing to work to move in the drills. my peripheral vision was slowly but surely closing in from the edges. whenever i stood up after a water break, everything spun, my hearing muffled and my head just felt fuzzy. when we were practicing music, i fell straight on my ass once when i tried to stand up, just because i was so incredibly lightheaded. i'm surprised that throughout the day, as i was grabbing the wall every five seconds to keep myself from stumbling, zack didn't notice. i just felt this amazing high, dizzy, woozy and giggly. part of me was scared by this, but part of me was thrilled. there's some twisted part of me that just wants to faint. to know that i've pushed my body to the absolute limit and further. but i'm not going to get to that point eating a few bites of lunch and a small dinner every day now am i?
so, new plan. say, "fuck you," to food, "fuck you," to zack if he says anything when i sit down to lunch with nothing but a cup of water, and say "fuck you," to the dinners that will soonafter consumption end up in the toilet. i wanna be as close to a daily 0 calorie consumption as i can possibly get. i want to lose at least 10lbs before school starts. so far i'm only down 1, but i know i'm gaining muscle and i'll start losing faster soon.
stay strong, think thin, live ana