despite the knots in my stomach because of my bare wrist, i felt rather confident walking into the band room this morning. as i looked around at all the new freshmen, the sophomores, the juniors, the other seniors, i realized that i'm one of the top dogs. for me, senior year has officially begun. though the whole day i felt that sense of power and authority, knowing that others, especially the freshmen, would be looking to me as an example. marching band is just another outlet that requires nothing less than perfection. you might think it's nerdy, but it takes self-discipline that you would not believe. and, motivated by the knowledge that every second of pain means i'm closer to another pound lost, i will probably be one of the most disciplined people there. the soreness in my muscles right now, the scabs on my heels, all just future evidence of beauty from pain.
surprisingly, i didn't get any negative comments about my arm. besides zack, who'd never seen them before, only one person even mentioned it, a guard girl. she said the same thing i've heard countless times before: "oh, nikki..." i just shrugged and said i didn't do it anymore, just relieved she didn't say i was a freak or something. another flute girl next to me said she was proud of me for quitting, that her sister used to cut. it was surprisingly easy to let these two girls i only knew from sporatic conversations into my past. i didn't delve deep, but deep enough. my secret is slowly coming out.
another surprise was that zack didn't say a word about my eating only 4 bites of tangerines, the bits of shredded carrot picked out of my salad and a diet coke. he'll say something eventually, but he didn't today. i might end up fainting eventually, but i didn't today. i did feel dizzy several times, but honestly i think the caffeine and sugar my 100 cal cappachino each the morning will keep me stable through the long, hot days.
there's 3 weeks of camp. then school starts. i have just 3 weeks to shrink as much as possible. i have to make it happen. i refuse to start my senior year fat.
stay strong, think thin, live ana