Monday, July 26, 2010

better than i expected

despite the knots in my stomach because of my bare wrist, i felt rather confident walking into the band room this morning. as i looked around at all the new freshmen, the sophomores, the juniors, the other seniors, i realized that i'm one of the top dogs. for me, senior year has officially begun. though the whole day i felt that sense of power and authority, knowing that others, especially the freshmen, would be looking to me as an example. marching band is just another outlet that requires nothing less than perfection. you might think it's nerdy, but it takes self-discipline that you would not believe. and, motivated by the knowledge that every second of pain means i'm closer to another pound lost, i will probably be one of the most disciplined people there. the soreness in my muscles right now, the scabs on my heels, all just future evidence of beauty from pain.

surprisingly, i didn't get any negative comments about my arm. besides zack, who'd never seen them before, only one person even mentioned it, a guard girl. she said the same thing i've heard countless times before: "oh, nikki..." i just shrugged and said i didn't do it anymore, just relieved she didn't say i was a freak or something. another flute girl next to me said she was proud of me for quitting, that her sister used to cut. it was surprisingly easy to let these two girls i only knew from sporatic conversations into my past. i didn't delve deep, but deep enough. my secret is slowly coming out.

another surprise was that zack didn't say a word about my eating only 4 bites of tangerines, the bits of shredded carrot picked out of my salad and a diet coke. he'll say something eventually, but he didn't today. i might end up fainting eventually, but i didn't today. i did feel dizzy several times, but honestly i think the caffeine and sugar my 100 cal cappachino each the morning will keep me stable through the long, hot days.

there's 3 weeks of camp. then school starts. i have just 3 weeks to shrink as much as possible. i have to make it happen. i refuse to start my senior year fat.

stay strong, think thin, live ana


  1. I'm glad to hear you felt confident. :) Keep that motivation, darling. You're doing really wonderfully. Dizziness is a sure sign of success. You're stating that makes me want it now. Lol

  2. you go girl! yeah yeah. get that band camp. work it :D

  3. have fun at camp, and its great you felt so confident! x

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  5. Horay!I'm so glad you had such a great day!And about the whole parent sitch I so understand my dad grows pot and sells it.So he goes out partying and I have to raise my bro!And he wouldn't let my mom near us!Also he would poke&pinch me until I brused and tell me I was an ugly worthless piece of shit!Oh n when my bro n I were reunited with my mom we told DCF what he does.N they did nothing but tell my mom she was shitty for not ratting on him earlier even though he had my bro n I so we would have been in foster care for awhile& he was threatening her!He even broke her arm once!So society obvisouly is shitty when it comes to the care of its children!So when I hear something like what your mom did it pisses me off!Anyways again you are inspiring especially since you were the 1st pro-ana blog i followed(which was a little more than 6months ago)So good luck n I hope more great stuff happens for you!Oh by the way how old are you?I forget!N so I don't seem stalkerish weird i'm 14.

  6. I don't know why, but I loooooved this post. ahaa :)
    I used to cut. on my thighs, though.
    And I have the same goal of shrinking as much as possible before school :p
    stay strong, babydoll!
    xoxo kay


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