Saturday, July 31, 2010

then, and now

so, after all this time blogging, i've decided to finally post before and now photos of myself. no one's going to recognize me on here, but i've blocked out other people's faces just out of respect for them. i sure wouldn't want one of my friends putting pictures of me on a pro cutting site or something, you know? anyways, i think i'm going to start posting more pictures here, and on my facebook, as i shrink. i'm still deciding whether i want to do this on a time schedule or just as i reach each goal weight. what do you all think? since i do this partly for my readers, i'd like your imput as well. :)

here we go:

this is last year at homecoming. i was in the high 160s then. the blonde in the middle is my gf. a total stick. look at how fat i look compared to her :/
this is me now, a much better, but still fat, 140.2. the difference is noticable, yes?

i think i'm getting closer to that "average" mark. i think once i hit the highest healthy weight for my height, 135, i'll be there. it still hasn't fully registered with me that i could be there in a week or so. i just need to come up with a comprimise, or something really sneaky, to deal with the zack situation. i'm just scared that if he bugs me around other people, they'll get involved too. lizzy, the other girl we sit with at lunch, is the one i'm particularly worried about. i'm also rooming with her at the overnight band camp. i have a feeling she's going to notice something. i've already seen her glancing at me picking at my plate. but seriously, i'm OVERWEIGHT. how many people are going to think i have an eating disorder? i guess it's the one perk of being legit fat. but it's an unneccessary one. the price outweighs the cost.

work is having a pool party tomorrow, and my gf is coming. i'm going to skip breakfast as always, throw out/up lunch, and then pick at party food so i won't be bothered about dinner. should work out as a nice restricting day before my semi-fast on monday.

not much else to say at the moment, just wanted to share the pix. feel free to comment, congradulate, criticize, i want it all.

stay strong, think thin, live ana

Friday, July 30, 2010


i'm so close to the 130s. so close to my new LW. guys, i am SO CLOSE! i decided to make a happy thinspo video to celebrate.

so, zack officially knows that i'm not in recovery. and i know he's going to try to get me to eat on monday. and i know he's going to try to get me to eat every time we eat at band now. but guess what zack: I DON'T CARE. at this point, i don't care what anyone thinks. thin is all that matters to me.

in other news, i had my first day at work today at roly poly, and i absolutely love it. i am so happy i got this job. they called me out of the blue last week and asked if i was still interested; i'd turned in an application a few months ago. i came in for the interview and they said they were only hiring one or two people, and didn't even ask any questions that would set me apart from other applicants (those questions like "how would you describe yourself," "what's your biggest weakness," etc.). when i got the call asking if i wanted the job, i couldn't believe it.

my boss is so nice. the atmosphere is so relaxed. we get free drinks, so i can have all the diet coke my little heart desires. me and my family get everything half price, not that i plan on eating much at work. but if i ever feel the need, i can make myself a low-cal roll with whatever i want on it. they're not nitpicky about texting or uniforms, and we have stray cats that we feed leftover meats. my coworkers are awesome. the girl training me is super nice and funny, and the co-owner's daughter who works there is such a gorgeous STICK it keeps me from wanting to eat a thing at work! but the best part about working, i finally feel my age. i feel that stronger sense of independence that i normally would only get when i sneak around. next step is getting my license, then a car, then graduating, and i'm home free.

i ate a bit today just to get my metabolism up, but tomorrow's a hardcore restricting day. gotta look my best for the roly poly pool party sunday!

stay strong, think thin, live ana

Wednesday, July 28, 2010


i almost passed out today. outside this morning in the 100 degree heat running on nothing but black coffee, i felt myself starting to sway. i felt my muscles giving up on me, refusing to work to move in the drills. my peripheral vision was slowly but surely closing in from the edges. whenever i stood up after a water break, everything spun, my hearing muffled and my head just felt fuzzy. when we were practicing music, i fell straight on my ass once when i tried to stand up, just because i was so incredibly lightheaded. i'm surprised that throughout the day, as i was grabbing the wall every five seconds to keep myself from stumbling, zack didn't notice. i just felt this amazing high, dizzy, woozy and giggly. part of me was scared by this, but part of me was thrilled. there's some twisted part of me that just wants to faint. to know that i've pushed my body to the absolute limit and further. but i'm not going to get to that point eating a few bites of lunch and a small dinner every day now am i?

so, new plan. say, "fuck you," to food, "fuck you," to zack if he says anything when i sit down to lunch with nothing but a cup of water, and say "fuck you," to the dinners that will soonafter consumption end up in the toilet. i wanna be as close to a daily 0 calorie consumption as i can possibly get. i want to lose at least 10lbs before school starts. so far i'm only down 1, but i know i'm gaining muscle and i'll start losing faster soon.

it's on.

stay strong, think thin, live ana

Monday, July 26, 2010

better than i expected

despite the knots in my stomach because of my bare wrist, i felt rather confident walking into the band room this morning. as i looked around at all the new freshmen, the sophomores, the juniors, the other seniors, i realized that i'm one of the top dogs. for me, senior year has officially begun. though the whole day i felt that sense of power and authority, knowing that others, especially the freshmen, would be looking to me as an example. marching band is just another outlet that requires nothing less than perfection. you might think it's nerdy, but it takes self-discipline that you would not believe. and, motivated by the knowledge that every second of pain means i'm closer to another pound lost, i will probably be one of the most disciplined people there. the soreness in my muscles right now, the scabs on my heels, all just future evidence of beauty from pain.

surprisingly, i didn't get any negative comments about my arm. besides zack, who'd never seen them before, only one person even mentioned it, a guard girl. she said the same thing i've heard countless times before: "oh, nikki..." i just shrugged and said i didn't do it anymore, just relieved she didn't say i was a freak or something. another flute girl next to me said she was proud of me for quitting, that her sister used to cut. it was surprisingly easy to let these two girls i only knew from sporatic conversations into my past. i didn't delve deep, but deep enough. my secret is slowly coming out.

another surprise was that zack didn't say a word about my eating only 4 bites of tangerines, the bits of shredded carrot picked out of my salad and a diet coke. he'll say something eventually, but he didn't today. i might end up fainting eventually, but i didn't today. i did feel dizzy several times, but honestly i think the caffeine and sugar my 100 cal cappachino each the morning will keep me stable through the long, hot days.

there's 3 weeks of camp. then school starts. i have just 3 weeks to shrink as much as possible. i have to make it happen. i refuse to start my senior year fat.

stay strong, think thin, live ana

Sunday, July 25, 2010

"hey, kiddo."

i apologize in advance but this is going to be an angry rant.

so i had to go home to grab some tank tops and stuff to wear to band camp. i was grabbing some out of my closet when She walked in. "hey, kiddo," she said. i fumed. "you think you can just 'hey, kiddo' me and everything will be okay?" i shot back, "i have nothing to say to you." she walked out and i threw all the stuff i'd gathered into my bag. i was ready to leave.

but She came back. and brought my dad. bullshit spewed from her mouth. "i love you," she said, sounding more angry than genuine. "i miss you, and i'm sorry." the tone of her voice made it impossible to believe. "you're not even telling the truth!" i said. "you're still telling everyone that i hit you first, that you didn't choke me, that i lost it and went crazy and you were 'restraining me.' and that's a lie." and my dad wouldn't even take my side. he wants me to come back. i keep telling everyone that i'm done with her. that after all the years of her treating me like shit, hitting me was the last straw. i want nothing to do with her. how am i supposed to live with her when i don't even call her my "mother" anymore? i can't go back. i just can't. and nobody's helping me. if my own dad doesn't believe that i'm telling the truth, what the fuck am i supposed to do?

i would rather live on the streets than live with that FUCKING CUNT!

sorry guys, i just felt the need to vent.

stay strong, think thin, live ana

"how we survive is what makes us who we are" -rise against

thank you guys, for all your comments! i really feel much better today, at least better than i have for the past few days. i snuck over to spend the night with molly and i think it was really what i needed. i smoked a whole pack of cigarrettes by myself so the nicotine's still probably surging through me; i'm sure that helps! lol

blue butterfly: i'd love to stick with this diet with you! i eat one meal a day during the week, so it shouldn't be too hard :) but hun, good luck getting ME to quit smoking. lol. i plan to stop when i settle down with a family. i know it's bad for me, but i really don't smoke much; i can't smoke at home so i only do when i'm hanging out with friends who smoke, and sometimes before school in the mornings. i'll be okay hun, there's other things that will kill me first before cigarrettes.

salix: thank you for reminding me of how far i've come so far. sometimes i have to remind myself that i'm roughly half way to where i want to be.

MimiBently: i'm glad i inspire you! i agree that fat is ugly (especially on me), but that's why we're here right? striving for beauty and perfection.

lulu: i wasn't aiming that comment directly at you, several people said the same thing over the course of the past few days. and it wasn't in anger. just frustration. because i don't see it. i can't see it. i don't see beauty in myself at all. freud would blame it on my childhood. lol

katerina: love you girl. i'm glad you of all people think i'm strong. it means a lot coming from you. yes, you were one of the tall girls i was talking about lol. i'm not complaining, it was a mini workout! lol. and i can totally picture you high on nyquil singing christina. thank you for giving me my first laugh for the morning :)

leena.leaner: i'm glad you like my blog! as for molly... we still fight sometimes like any other couple, but our relationship has come so far from where we have been. i truely feel that she's my soulmate; and when you find your perfect match, you don't let go. "in the face of true love, you never give up. even if the object of your affection is begging you to." -chuck bass

now for the legit blogging:


yesterday i snuck over to molly's to spend the night. her mom was acting, well, VERY PREGNANT, so things didn't work out exactly as planned, but we still got to spend the night together at molly's friend's house, a double date with her friend's gf (lots of lesbians in molly's friend pool lol).

when molly changed her shirt, she leaned back to stretch, and i could see all her ribs. my eyes widened. i was jealous, surprised, and honestly, it was kinda hot. and i told her this. "babe.." i said, "i can see all your ribs." i asked her if she hadn't been eating or something and she said she hadn't been doing anything out of the ordinary. i guess she's just lucky to be that thin. but when she layed down and i could splay my fingers between her ribs, i wanted to cry. she's living my dream.

i got away with eating nothing but diet coke until 9:30pm when molly decided to go to dinner. my heart sank. i was loving the feeling of emptiness, but with the stress molly's mom was putting her through that night, i couldn't say no to her. so we went to o'charley's with her friend and her gf, the ones who we spent the night with. the whole car ride there i curled into her with my head on her shoulder, my head screaming at me. eat, don't eat, enjoy myself, fake cramps, get a salad, get the pasta i've been craving for weeks, what the hell am i going to do?

my stomach doesn't hold near as much as it used to, and it was not happy being filled with spicy southwestern cheese dip and spicy pasta late at night as its first meal for the day. after one roll, some chips from our appetizer, and about half my plate of bayou shrimp pasta, i felt like i was going to be sick. even moreso, i felt fat. i still feel full and bloated from last night. lucky for me, i forgot my leftovers at molly's friend's house, so i won't have the temptation.

i plan to stick under 1000 calories today. as long as i eat less than i did yesterday (which was 0cals until dinner, 1434cals... *slaps self in face*), i think i'll be okay. band camp starts tomorrow. 2 weeks of running around a football field in the ridiculous heat from 7am to 5pm. even when we just practice music, we're still standing. the only time we're allowed to sit is water breaks, snack breaks, and lunch. i just have to really careful around zack and really keep control. it helps that i'm vegetarian, i won't be able to eat 90% of the main courses they serve us.

starting tomorrow, i'm also going to start showing these. you can see a bit of the tanline from my bracelets, but i've been working all summer to fix it as best as i could. as you can see, i was pretty hardcore into cutting. you can see at the top where i wrote out "HATE" with my razorblade. i've come so far since then, i stopped cold turkey 2 decembers ago (when i started dating molly) and have only slipped up 3 times since, all of these long ago. i like to live by the quote, "how we survive is what makes us who we are," and see all scars (self inflicted or not) as symbols of the pasts we have survived. but i know that at first glance, this is not what people will think. i don't want people to think that i'm crazy, or that i'm still doing it, or that i'm a freak. i put myself out there as this independent, confident rocker chick who doesn't give a fuck, but deep down, obviously, i do. i don't want people to take this the wrong way. but i know the bracelets had to come off eventually. and i don't want to spend my senior year hiding behind armbands.

wish me luck, ladies. love you all :)

stay strong, think thin, live ana

Saturday, July 24, 2010

A Letter From Ana

Dear Nikki,

If you don't drop all this bullshit, THIS is what you're going to look like by, oh, I don't know, New Year's? Is that what you want? You can eat your damn Bread Co. macaroni and cheese, your pretzels with cheese, your ice cream, but THIS is what it will do to you. It's a choice. Food or thin. Stop blaming it on your period, stop blaming it on what happened. I'm not even making you completely fast anymore; all I've asked of you is to eat ONE fucking meal a day.

I'm not angry, I'm disappointed. I've given you everything and you just throw it in my face when you pull shit like this. I want so much better for you. I want you to lose as much as possible by Monday so you can at least look less fat for the first day of band camp. I want you to build up your willpower so you can get away with eating less around Zack. Remember him? You cave in to his guilt-enducing stares. I need you to be stronger than that, Nikki. I just want the best for you. I just want you to be happy.

Remember your dream? I can get you there. Remember what thin feels like, because now you've gotten a taste. Nikki, you're stronger than you think. You're not a failure, but if you think you are, don't blog and whine about it. DO something about it. You can do anything if you just stick your mind to it. I have faith in you.

Please, just fast while you're with Molly today. Fake cramps, lie, just do whatever you can. Smoke to keep your appetite down. She's not suspicious, so she won't think a thing of it. It's all up to you now. Just be strong. I'll be right by your side the whole time, as I always am.

Good luck. Please, just do this one thing for me, and I will do so much for you.


why the FUCK do ppl keep saying i'm pretty?

i'm not.. it makes no sense..

i'm driving myself insane. time for bed. sorry i'm so depressing lately.

do you guys think i'm a failure?

i've been ana for a year. and i'm still overweight.

i can't even do this right..

Thursday, July 22, 2010


i'm just in a hole. as today has gone by, i've slowly but steadily been sinking deeper and deeper. in school, my last class decided to have a food party because today was the last day. i dished up a plate like everyone else, the teacher popped in a lifetime movie about anorexics, and i ate my food and then asked to go to the bathroom. it all came up in an easy mess. flushed away like magic. my head was pounding. when i came back, i found out we were ordering pizza. my head hurt so badly that i decided against purging. "just one piece," i told myself. "just 3 square inches. that can't be too terrible." i wanted to stay away, i wanted to resist, but it was too hard. i caved. and i kept.

after school my grandparents decided to go out to eat at bob evans. the menu had, thank god, a low calorie mini-menu inside that had healthy options with the calories and fat for each item listed underneath. i picked a soup and salad combo, 156 calorie bean soup and 15 calorie garden salad. then when i got the soup, it had ham in it. i had to send it back. and the only vegetarian option they had was cheddar potato. when the waitress asked if i wanted it, i forced myself to say yes, because it was all i could say. but i just wanted to burst into tears thinking about all the calories, the fat, the carbs; especially after the slice of pizza. to my despair, the soup was delicious. it took strength to only eat 2/3 of it, only eat 1 chunk of potato and leave the rest at the bottom of the bowl, to keep my composure. i threw myself on the treadmill for a painful hour as punishment. my heel started bleeding. i got a fat stain on my tennis shoe. but i just took them off and kept going, in my socks. when i stopped, i could not walk. usually when i exercise, i feel better. right now, i just feel depressed and exhausted.

one of my pro-ana friends looked at my real facebook, and when she saw the pictures of me she said i was pretty. gorgeous. words that i would never describe myself as. i don't see it. i don't think i'm pretty. i don't think i ever will be, i'll just get as close as possible when i'm thin. i feel like most of my friends aren't really friends with me. i feel like i'm not even liked, like people at school only talk to me because they don't want to be rude. do people think i'm weird? do they laugh at my jokes and comments because they're funny, or because they're laughing at me being stupid? will i still worry like this when i'm thin?

will i ever even get there?

stay strong, think thin, live ana

Wednesday, July 21, 2010


almost 4lbs down. my size 9 skinny jeans fit again. and i got a lovely visit from mother nature this morning, so without the bloat i probably weigh even LESS! i love that when i lay down i can feel my ribs and hipbones begging to break the surface. just a few more pounds, my lovelies. i'm getting there.

stay strong, think thin, live ana

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

a fast at last!

finally fasted today!!!! hung out with katerina right after school, then went to molly's and told her we ate at bread co. She didn't say a word about it. Smoking cigs all day kept my appetite down, and when i was walking around the mall with katerina and later with molly's friends there were so many skinny girls walking around to thinspire me to stay strong. not to mention, walking with people who are taller than you and walk at a fast pace is GREAT light cardio, haha. with that on top of being hyper through half of school i just know i've lost something. when i weighed myself before going to the movies with my uncle (in jeans, shoes, tank and flannel shirt), i was the same weight as yesterday, so i DEFINATELY lost something. if i purge dinner (the lesser of two evils) tomorrow, then fake a stomach ache while i'm hanging with friends thursday, i can get away with a 3 day fast!

anyone wanna join me? :)

stay strong, think thin, live ana

Monday, July 19, 2010

sweet dreams

last night i had an amazing dream.

it was one of those dreams where it's like you're watching a movie of yourself. i was so thin. i had this adorable teased-up emo haircut, a big, neon-green bow in my hair (my favorite color!), and i was smiling and dancing in the sunlight. in the dream, the grass seemed a deeper green, the sunlight filled with more joy. the whole world seemed to have more light.

so that's what thin feels like...

stay strong, think thin, live ana

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Leben, Liebe, Ana

personally, i think german is a beautiful language. i've been studying it for years (got a 4 on my AP test!!), and i just love the way words are crafted together. so i decided to look up some ana-related words on a german dictionary, hoping to find something to change my last name to on my pro-ana facebook page (because EVERYONE's last name for their pro-ana page is "ana" or "thin" or something like that; i like to be unique). and when i looked up the word for "diet," i found that one of the words for it is "die Fastenkur." broken up, this means "fasting cure."

well you know what they say. thin is pure, starving is the cure.

this was oddly motivational to me. i've had a relatively good day, 666 cals (creepy, huh?). just one meal and a homemade cookie, the smallest out of a batch my grandma made today. i threw up lunch, the first time i've turned to mia in a long time, at least a few weeks. it was somehow comforting, watching that waffle re-emerge in the toilet while i waited for the shower to heat up. finally, after days of having so little control over anything, i got to take control of something in that oh so familiar way. i don't plan to do this all the time, but it was a nice little revisit. and it saved me from at least 400 calories.

i'm in a mood to rant but i can't bring myself to find the creative words i need right now. maybe tomorrow they'll come to me.

until then, i'll stick with my Fastenkur.

stay strong, think thin, live ana

Saturday, July 17, 2010

The Taylor Obsession (cont.)

so in all my obsession with taylor momsen and some not exactly legal music downloading, i decided to dedicate a video to taylor in all her skinny, sexy glory. so here it is (you can also see it on youtube by clicking here).

what started as a day planning to eat as little as possible turned into another fucking binge day. with everything that was going on, food was the only thing that kept my mind from going back to that fear, the memory of every horror, every emotion, every sting of pain. it takes 3 days to make a habit, and after 3 days of eating whateverthefuck wheneverthefuck i find myself struggling to be restrictive again. today i planned to eat a 70 cal egg roll and some cantelope for lunch and then as little of dinner as possible. that plan failed when halfway through eating my eggroll, my grandma told me we were going out to lunch. to one of my top 3 favorite restaurants. a chinese buffet. instead of the usual extreme anxiety, dread, panic, i just felt annoyed disappointment. "fuck it," i thought to myself. "how much damage can one day do?"

i didn't gain between yesterday and today, still tetering on that edge between the 140s and the 150s. tomorrow, no more excuses. i swear to ana that i will eat a lunch under 200 cals, drink only diet coke, coffee, water, and artificially sweetened tea, and eat as little dinner as possible tomorrow. i will jog 30 minutes and walk on the treadmill for an hour.  whatever it takes.

i bought new clothes today that i can't even wear because i've gained so much this week. that pisses me off to no end. if anything my mario shirt that's too small as of now should motivate me.

on a random note, i'm going home tomorrow for a little while, just to visit i guess. i do miss my sisters, and my dad, and my dog and cat, but i don't want The Wench to be there. she undoubtably will, and i have a bad feeling that it's going to turn into them trying to get me to talk to her again. i have nothing to say to her. remember? she's dead to me. until she starts telling everyone the truth, i don't want to hear it. i'm not gonna sit there and take all her bullshit.

wish me luck, chew my ass out for being such a glutton, whatever you feel like. cuz at this point i think i need both encouragement and a kick in the ass.

stay strong, think thin, live ana

Friday, July 16, 2010

pools and pixies

i got the chance to weigh in this morning for the first time all week. i was shocked.

149.6 lbs.

that is way too close for comfort.

molly came over and we went to the pool. i felt so gross in my bikini. there was noticable pudge puffing out from my swimshorts. i didn't want to take my shirt off. when i went to the bathroom, i had trouble pulling my wet shorts up. still, i was expected to eat something at the pool, and when i saw the size of the funnel cakes i felt that was my safest bet. dinner was also mandatory, a veggie burger and tater tots. i'm gross.

i downloaded a bunch of music from the pretty reckless, taylor momsen's band, and it's helping me really get motivated. her music is really badass and upbeat, and listening to her voice reminds me of her body, exactly what i want to look like. tomorrow i'm hitting the treadmill with taylor blasting in my ears.

i've decided that i'm going to reward myself when i get to the 120s with the haircut i've always wanted: a pixie cut. i'm going to make a desktop out of all these pictures to remind me every day of my goal. hopefully, i'll be there by december, in time for my california trip.

i have to start working harder. today was such a wake up call. i made a deal with my gf that she's not gonna let me eat like shit around her anymore; i always do because i just eat whatever she feels like eating. from now on, no more "breaks" from ana when i'm with her.

i wish i could fast...

stay strong, think thin, live ana

Thursday, July 15, 2010

taylor, britney, ana, and me

thanks to taylor momsen and a britney spears song, the ana in me is back stronger than ever. the song "piece of me" by britney spears is upbeat and quite frankly bitchin, i can't wait to go running tomorrow with it blasting through my ipod :)

i havent come up with an exact food plan yet, but on my facebook page i got a calorie counter app that lets you set calorie goals, look up and track foods & cals you've eaten, and track your weight and measurements. it's really useful; those of you readers that have ana facebook accounts should definately check it out! just click the link and see my profile.

as far as food goes, i absolutely can't get out of dinner on a regular basis here, because my grandma cooks dinner for me and my grandpa every night (hello, she's a grandma!). she's pretty good about almost always cooking healthy food though, and i still get out of some stuff cuz i'm veg. still, i'm guaranteed that meal every day if i'm not out for some reason or another. it'll get easier when marching band starts, but for the next couple weeks i'm stuck. weekends will be especially hard since i'm here for 3 meals a day. on top of this, i don't have my scale, so i can't weigh myself all the time.

on the bright side, my grandma has a treadmill, which i'm going to start running on for 30 minutes a day (i'd get some questions running for an hour here) and walking for an hour every day. my uncle who lives next door to my grandma goes to a church that has a free gym, and i'm going to go take the free instruction class so i can use the equipment and go there for a couple hours a few times a week too.

where did all this motivation come from? let me show you:
taylor's just the perfect package. perfect skinny lanky body, smokin' hot, AMAZING fashion style, smart, rock star, and a kurt cobain fan. i want to be her.

i love how she mixes loose layers on top with short shorts and skirts that flaunt her legs. it's really flattering on any skinny girl.

oh hot damn... ;)

in all the pictures i've seen, i've only seen one of her with food, and it was a watermelon. other than that, i've only seen her with bottled water, diet coke, and energy drinks. sound familiar? she's living proof of beauty from pain.
i think i want my hair cut like this one of her with the dogs, the choppy bangs and short choppy layers.
check out those rockin' hip bones!
 taylor's a true icon for thinness, beauty, girl power and rock 'n roll.

she gives me reason to stay strong, think thin, and live ana.

"DEAD TO ME" (original lyrics by Nikki - you all are the first to see!)

i lie awake at night your voice is screaming at me
your arm pressed to my throat again
you're spewing out these lies
just my word against yours
i never want to see you again

you hit me
you choked me
and now you're
dead to me
there's nothing
left in me
for you, you're
dead to me

so now you swear i'm crazy
well who's the psycho here?
don't label me the liar
how dare you say you love me
after everything you did...
you can't do that to your daughter

you hit me
you choked me
and now you're
dead to me
don't bother
to say sorry
cuz now you're
dead to me

and i'm so fed up with all of this
i'm hated
how could you blame me for this?
one day this will all come back to you
you'll meet
your God
and it will be too late for you

you hit me
you choked me
and now you're
dead to me
there's nothing
left in me
for you you're
dead to me

and there's no funeral
i'll leave these memories to decay
it's become quite clear
that i am better off this way
despite what you say

you hit me
you choked me
and now you're
dead to me
there's nothing
left in me
for you you're
dead to me
you hit me (YOU)
you choked me (HATE)
and now you're (ME)
dead to me (BUT)
don't bother (I DON'T)
to say sorry (CARE)
cuz now you're (ENOUGH)
dead to me (TO HATE YOU ANYMORE)

i don't hate you anymore

you're dead

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

"do you feel better now as she falls to the ground?"

it doesn't even matter, the moments right before it happened. those few seconds of trigger, the memories that weren't encoded while my brain was in panic mode. but what happened matters. what happened, i remember.

she hit me.
she slapped me across the face. this never happened before, and needless to say, i was scared shitless. i backed away. "don't touch me," i said, panicked, "get away from me!" she stepped forward and i started to scream over and over as i kept backing away and then she pushed me to the ground and i heard lauren screaming from her bedroom. i struggled to get up, tried to get to my room so i could lock the door and make a phone call. the first try was a failure. i found myself pinned to the hallway closet door by my neck, her arm pressing my throat closed. i struggled to breath and when i got free i was screaming and pushing her out of the doorway, scared out of my mind, just trying to get to a place where i could make the phone call... i called her a fucking bitch, screamed it at the top of my lungs. after she hit me, i had no intentions of holding back. i pushed my way past her and ran through the house and out the back door, and immediately typed in my grandma's number with shaky fingers. i was gasping between sobs when i said, "mom hit me, please come get me..." i heard her tell my grandpa to come get me and she said he'd be right there. i ran out into the street, shoeless, sockless, braless, and hid behind my next door neighbor's truck, panting. i couldn't believe she hit me.

the garage door opened and i thought i was going to have a heart attack. i sprinted down the street and hid behind a bush, silently begging that she hadn't seen me, silently willing my grandpa to show up. then he finally did. never in my life had i seen a minivan drift around a corner, until sunday. my grandpa tore up the street and pulled into my driveway. i saw lauren get into the passenger seat as i ran up the street and got inside. we drove away. away. safe.
as i stepped into my grandparents' house, the phone rang in my grandma's hand. she answered it, and i could immediately tell from the tone in her voice that it was my mother. "well you can go ahead and call the police because i'm already planning to call social services. i don't even want to talk to you." she hung up on her. if i wasn't so upset and shaken, i would have been cheering her. we went upstairs and i sat in the living room with lauren. eventually she came and sat on my lap and i held her, trying not to cry, trying to be strong for her. i was holding to that effort pretty well until she said, "nikki, your neck's all red. did mom choke you?" all i could do was nod as the tears started flowing again.
then the cops came. i told the police officer the whole story, but he didn't seem convinced. he asked me if i hit her, and i said no. he said, "how do you explain the red marks on her face and neck then?" i simply restated, i didn't hit her. when it came to the point that the officer was saying i couldn't legally be kept away from my mother, my grandpa intervened, and it was decided that me and lauren would stay at my godparents' house that night. the police officer took me aside and explained to me that my mother and i were both being charged with domestic assault.
i couldn't believe it.

i'd done nothing wrong. i'd only pushed her away. she hit me. she CHOKED me. and i was getting blamed for it?
lauren and i went back to our house to pack a bag for the night. we waited for my goddad's sister to show up to stay with my mom and daisy (excuse me, but how FUCKED UP is it that they would leave a BABY with a woman who just BEAT AND CHOKED her daughter???). then we drove to my godparents' house. it was the most awkward night of my life. i felt uncomfortable. unwelcome. i asked my goddad if he blamed me, and he said he didn't know who to believe. when my godmom showed up later that night, she didn't seem happy with me, and when i asked her if she was mad at me, she said yes.
the next morning my dad picked me up to take me to school, 4 hours after he got home from washington d.c., where he'd been sent for work. he'd had to find a flight back home as soon as he landed and found out what happened. i asked if he was mad at me, and he said "you shouldn't have hit your mom." when i told him i didn't, he said he didn't know who to believe. when i told him she'd choked me, he said she hadn't mentioned that part. well of course she hadn't. who's going to admit they choked their child? especially when they're mentally unstable and will do anything to take the blame away from themselves in any situation.
the only comfort i have had since It Happened was yesterday morning, when molly came up to school to see me before i had to go to class. we sat in her moms car and smoked and talked and it felt good just to be with her. but it wasn't long enough.
my dad picked me up from school. we talked a bit, and he still didn't believe me. he told me, "you hate your mother so much, that it wouldn't surprise me if you lied about this just to get away from her."

a shout to the world:

a social worker showed up at our house yesterday. i listened to her talking to her and i heard every single lie. that i hit her first. that i had gone crazy and she was restraining me. she mentioned the cutting, the bulimia, everything possible to make me out to be the crazy, out-of-control teenager who went batshit and beat up her mom. when i told the social worker my side of the story, she said that she believed both of us, that things simply got out of hand, that i couldn't legally be separated from my mother with what was currently on the records.

i thought, so basically, nothing happens. nothing changes. i'm stuck here. with HER. i haven't even talked to her since It Happened. no one believes the truth except my grandparents, who she forbids me to see because she is so angry with them for saving me. my own dad won't believe the truth. everyone's angry with me and i feel like everyone just sees me as this burden on them, some unwanted drama interrupting their day-to-day lives.
but these tears are filled with truth. i refuse to back down. if i keep screaming the truth, i will MAKE someone listen. i will not be labeled a liar. i'm not a delinquent. i'm not the kind of girl who gets a court date. i'm not the kind of girl who lies about being hit and choked. what have i done for karma to be so cruel? the one day she finally snaps, slips, makes the wrong decision, she lies and twists things around onto me and gets out of it almost scott-free. i don't want her to just talk to a social worker and sign some papers making empty promises. i want to see her in handcuffs. i want to see her cry. i want to see her break. like she's broken me over and over. when will it finally be her turn to hurt?
it's just one of those things that you see coming, you know it's coming, but when it finally happens, you don't know how to take it. or it doesn't go as you planned. what do you do when you have been wronged and the law isn't on your side? the logic should be simple: adult hits child --> adult loses all rights to child.
well in my mind, she lost all her rights the moment her hand hit my face. she's not my mother. i never want to see her again. she's dead to me.
today, i talked to her for the first time since sunday. she was talking to my dad and i just got so fed up while i was listening to her lie to him that i spoke up and told her to tell the truth. we went back and forth and she said still insisted i'm the one that hit her, and she actually had the nerve to say "i'm sorry." it wasn't genuine. she said it out of anger, out of "i'm in deep shit" panic. i told her, "no. you're not sorry. because you're still not telling the truth."
2 hours later, after listening to her and my dad argue, i got sick of eavesdropping and took a shower. when i got out, dad told me to pack enough stuff for a few days, that i was going to stay at my grandparents for a while.
at least i'm away from her. for now. but as long as my dad still doesn't fully believe me, nothing significant is going to happen. she'll end up getting away with it. and that is so wrong.
"well i'll tell you my friend, one day this war's going to end, as your lies crumble down, a new life she has found."

i know this post had nothing to do with ana, but it needed to be said. i guess it's an excuse not to eat, but ana hasn't been at the front of my mind for the past couple days. appetite comes and goes in random patterns and i don't find myself thinking about calories. only comfort.

as my last note, this is all SO. FUCKED. UP.