Tuesday, June 8, 2010

update, prayers answered, making habits

so i went on vacation with my girlfriend to my grandparents lakehouse. and despite fattening up to 152lbs, it was amazing. i feel like we're so much closer now. we'd stay up every night sitting on the porch looking up at the stars, smoking cigarettes, and just talking for hours. not to mention great sex 3 nights in a row, haha. anyways, i really feel like she's committed to me now. several times i wanted to tell her about ana. but i knew better.
 
after i came back, that same afternoon, i cut things off with tara. i straight up told her that we could be friends, but i had no interest in cheating. honestly, i'd lost my interest in her like a week ago. the rush just wasn't there anymore. maybe i just got over my phase?
 
the day after i got back, yesterday, i weighed in to see how much damage had been done. 152. eight disgusting pounds. i was devestated. i fell to the floor right then and there. i laid in bed all day, depressed. when my mom asked at 6pm if i was going to eat dinner (i usually eat or "eat" at 4) i told her i hadn't been feeling well and would make some scrambled eggs in a bit. so after an intake of about 230 calories at dinner, i prayed last night to some invisible, nonexistant god. "ana," i pleaded. "please let me weigh less tomorrow. i know i have sinned. i will do better. i did better today. please, please, let me be thinner in the morning..."
 
and this morning, my prayers were answered with a loss of 3.5lbs.
 
it takes 3 days to make a habit. today was day one, running on nothing but a lemonade lite. 2 days from now, i will be unstoppable. by the time i hang out with molly, my habit might actually be strong enough to lie my way out of food around her. i could go all summer running on empty. i want to push myself until i faint. just the thought of how far i'm going to make myself go makes me feel strong. i am going to be invincible. when i start band camp at the end of july, everyone is going to be shocked at my transformation. like a butterfly out of its cacoon, i will be beauty arisen from filth. beautiful, beautiful bones.
 
stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox


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6 comments:

  1. awe im so glad everything went good with molly:) thats awesome!

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  2. awe im so glad everything went good with molly:) thats awesome!

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  3. awe im so glad everything went good with molly:) thats awesome!

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  4. I' glad every thing went well with Molly!And I wish you luck getting back on track!I know how you feel!This post has inspired me more!I love your blog!Good luck!

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  5. yeah. gaining a little weight back just to get closer with a loved one is okay. trust me. i know. just ask jacob. my boyfriend now! :) ana will forgive you and she's got her arms wide open for you always.

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  6. Your confidence in your future success is incredible and inspiring. Stay strong, darling. I know you'll become as invincible as you wish to be.

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