Saturday, June 19, 2010

should i stay or should i go?

every once in a while, as we're walking along this road that begins in life and ends in death, we hit an obstacle. a fallen tree to climb over. a branching path to choose or ignore. a storm to hide from.
 
this week i was caught by my mother, chewing and spitting. since then i have been torn between my fear of getting caught, my desperation to be thin, and a nagging part of me that just wants to say, "fuck it."
 
i have been eating "normally" since i got caught. as i lay in bed at night still succumbing to the same routine of pinching and prodding my fat as i lay awake staring into darkness, i debate whether to fast the next day. some nights i decide yes, others no. either way, i wake up the next morning and end up fixing some scrambled eggs or cereal. i'm not binging, and from the times i've checked i'm not gaining, but i'm not losing and i'm not happy.
 
knowing my mother will be keeping a close eye on me from now on, i don't know whether to stay with ana or take a leave of absence until i move out. i know that when i go to college and turn 18 i'll be buying every diet pill known to man and taking advantage of the fact that i'd have to walk across campus to get a bite to eat. but for now, in high school, living at home, it's difficult.
 
i'll still be blogging, because ana will always be a part of me. i just don't know if i'll be able to live the life i dream about anymore. i miss it. i miss the control. i hate that, one by one, the few things in life that kept me sane are being taken away from me. as i've started eating again, my mood swings have come back worse than ever. i go from laughing and perfectly fine to laying in bed, unable to move, depressed beyond comprehension for no particular reason. i hate what's happening to my life. i hate what's happening to me.
 
stay strong, think thin, live ana. live ana for me, because i can't.
xoxoNikkioxox


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6 comments:

  1. I hate that choice between eating for someone who cares for you or not eating for yourself. It's been my life ever since i started dating my fiance... It's so impossible to make yourself and that person happy, isn't it? I wish i knew what to do to help you, hunny... but i don't know what to do to help myself either. I hate it too. Just know that you are not alone in your pain. I hope that helps..

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  2. Bulimic behavior is hardest to hide, because it requires an action. Anorexic behavior simply requires inaction. I'm not sure where I'm going with that, but it seemed...I don't know, purposeful?

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  3. Dear Nikki
    A few months ago, I stopped eating. I didn't eat for like a week. One night, one of the people in my house called me out, saying I hadn't eaten in at least two days and that I'd better eat tomorrow. I said I hadn't been feeling well. that was my time. when I could do it. Since then, I ballooned, struggled to lose, cried over and over. You're miserable, Nikki, and this is making you happy. When you see a lower number on the scale, when you're hungry and you conquer your craving, when you look in the mirror and can see the outline of your collar bones, the shadow of your hip bones, your thighs shrinking and shrinking until there's finally the blessed gap between them. Don't give up on the only thing that's making you happy, giving you joy, making you feel good about you.

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  4. Not a choice I would want to make. But ana isn't something I could take a break from... She's with you whether you like it or not. I think you either seek treatment or, you don't. You might start eating for a while, if that's what you have to do... But your still ana's girl. Eat low fat small portions... Do something, exercise lots.... It's not worth battling depression and mood swings and whatever else as well as having Ana.

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  5. eat healthy, exercise a lot. and i mean *a lot*. Nothing burns fat like a good long hour in the treadmill everyday!

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  6. Hi! Just commenting to say how much I love your blog! I have read through a year and a half's worth of posts and I can't get enough. I see that you haven't posted in a while :( Well, if you see this, I hope you have an awesome day! Stay strong!

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