Tuesday, June 29, 2010

reader beware: this one has chapters

just to let you all know, i've been banned from the internet until further notice. why? i went on facebook. i'll post at school and other places when i can, but considering my mom doesn't let us go to my grandma's anymore, i'm afraid to say that for a while my posts may be few and far between.


chapter 1: the evidence


the other night, my mom found bags of vomit in the trash. being a former ED queen, she knew exactly why it was there and where it had come from. i wasn't an idiot, i put ziplock bags into walmart bags and layered and tied to hide the smell like any experienced bulimic, i don't know why my mother felt the urge to dig through the trash in the garbage can outside. but it doesn't matter. what mattered was that when she came home from the grocery store her and dad summoned me into the kitchen. "what's going on with your eating?' my dad asked. it hit me like a brick in the face. i didn't see this coming, i didn't know what they knew, what they had found or how they had found it. i played dumb, said "what do you mean?" mom told me what she had found and i stood there, dumbstruck, my tongue, lips and throat no longer capable of cooperating with eachother in order to form a sound. i did tell the (half) truth and say i'd stopped doing it (at home) a couple weeks ago. mom didn't believe me. i thought, the hell do you know? you think you know everything because you've caught me in a few things. but you have no idea what i do or who i am. i ignored her. i didn't even look at her the whole time. "you know that's bad for your teeth?" she said. "yes. i know," i replied flatly. "and it tears up your throat?" "yes. i know." "and not to mention the expense of it." i should have known her only concern was the money. the only thing that kinda hit me was what my dad said: "you know, for someone who wants to be a psychologist, you do a lot of stupid things." it's true. it's absolutely true. but you know, there's doctors who are alcoholics. there's math teachers who don't know their times tables. at least years from now when i start working with patients i'll know what the hell i'm talking about. anyways, dad told me i have one more chance. then they both shoved the whole thing under the rug, like everything else.


chapter 2: katerina

it's pretty safe to say that every ana out there has wished they had another pro ana buddy in real life. not just online or through texting, but an actual friend who lived near them, someone they could hang out with who was on the same page as them. the other night i discovered, some crazy wishes do come true.


i may have mentioned before that i had a friend who was a former anorexic. katerina. i was texting her and we both ended up mentioning we hadn't eaten much lately. then agreed we both wanted to lose more. soon, we were swapping UGWs and it was clearly understood that we were both on the same page. i told her about this blog, and she decided she wants me to tell her story here. so here it is:


katerina first told me about her eating disorder in freshman biology, back in the days when i thought ribs looked gross and sliced up my arm to deal with life. i was talking to another friend about how my little sister had refused to eat half her dinner, and said she didn't want to eat it all because she didn't want to get fat. what started as giving me advice about my sister turned into a handwritten confession; passing notes back and forth in class that day she admitted to me that she was anorexic. i would later find out that i was the first person she told. our friendship sat on a foundation of mental sickness, katerina refusing to eat, and me refusing to put down the razorblade.


it's amazing how much things have changed in the past few years. i remember one particular night, katerina sent me a picture of herself with her ribs sticking out. i remember my jaw dropping to the floor, my eyes watering. i remember the days i used to beg her to eat. now look at me. i'm doing the exact things that she used to do.


aside from the ana connection, katerina and i have a lot in common, especially with our mothers. her mom is just about as crazy and bitchy as mine, and pushes things under the rug the same way my parents do. when katerina told her mom she was anorexic, she didn't do anything about it, still bitched at her about her weight. see the connection?


the only thing we don't have in common is that molly won't be understanding if she ever finds out about my ED. one story i'll never forget about katerina is the night her old boyfriend charlie found out about hers. he caught her throwing up and instead of getting angry like molly would, he held her hair back. they broke up later on, but i can't even fathom being in a relationship with someone who knew about my ED, but didn't absolutely throw a fit about it. i got a chance to talk to charlie a couple of times, and all he was interested in was loving her and making her happy. molly has told me flat out that if she ever found out i was doing anything like that, she'd make sure i went to rehab.


i feel like this is such a turning point for me. ironically, this whole conversation took place as i was running in place in my room. by the end of my hour long cardio workout, everything was out in the open. it's a little strange, knowing one of my real life friends is reading my blog now. but it's also really exciting, knowing i have a friend now to hang out with who is just as reluctant to eat as me. now socializing won't automatically mean eating. going to a friends house won't mean being dragged into the kitchen as soon as they hear my stomach growl and force me to admit that i haven't eaten in days. just me, katerina and ana, a team of three working together to reach the finish line. i'm going to be 120lbs by the time school starts. maybe lower. a lot can happen in two months. especially when you have your best friend on your side. :) [[btw, she's starting a blog too. check it: http://paper--thin.blogspot.com]]


chapter 3: running

this part's short. somehow, the girl who used to feel like she was going to die after 5 minutes of jogging pushed herself to jog an hour the other night. for sixty minutes straight i ran in place in front of the tv (nothing like a marathon of the big gay sketch show to keep me less focused on my burning leg muscle), doing high knees every other commercial. this happened, ironically, while i was having that fate-__ed conversation with katerina. i know it sounds lame, jogging in place in your bedroom from midnight to 1am, but if you don't believe it's a workout, try it and see for yourself. i got that runner's high and just kept going. it's addictive. once you get to that high, that feeling like you're flying, you don't want to stop. it's like when i'm running, i'm just far enough ahead of that looming dark cloud. like the whole time i know that if i stop, it'll catch up to me and i'll be back in the rain. so i push myself harder just to stay dry a little longer. i have a new workout regime of a minimum 1 hour jog, 20 minutes swimming laps, 100 crunches before i leave for school, 100 when i get home, and 100 before i go to bed. 15 pushups every time i do crunches. before, i hated exercise. i could only stand it on the wii fit because it made it into a game. now, i love it. i feel powerful. i feel in control. i feel like i'm forcing the fat out of my body. it's like a drug.


chapter 4: bullshit, for the umpteenth time

molly was acting weird yesterday. when you've been dating someone for a year and a half, you can tell over the phone, from the tone of their voice alone that something's going on. apparently though, a year and half of dating doesn't mean shit when it comes to commitment. molly has a thing for this girl again, the third or fourth time, and said yesterday that she wanted an open relationship because i wasn't around enough. she said she's "lonely." i can't help it if my parents won't let me see her for the time being. of course i end up being a doormat and letting her do it because i don't want to lose her and i have that intense fear of being left alone. i just really thought things were different this time. after the last time we broke up, she said she'd changed, that she felt completely committed to me. a while back, she started getting a crush on the same girl again, but said she deleted the number from her phone and pushed her away because she wanted to focus on me. she tried. what changed between then and now that she didn't want to try anymore? what makes me not worth it?


oh yeah. i remember now. cuz i'm FAT.


i'm spinning this all into motivation. maybe when i'm thin, she won't be so distracted by other girls. when my thighs no longer touch she will think only of me. when my stomach is flat she won't forget me. when i'm light as air, she'll hang on tighter to keep me from floating away.



sorry this was so long, but think of it as four posts unfortunately rolled into one. i might try blogging by texting to the email address i use to blog via email, but i don't know how that's going to work just yet. keep a lookout for me and check out katerina's blog, http://paper--thin.blogspot.com. i'm not going anywhere, i'm not in any trouble, i'm just having technical difficulties.


well you know what they say. "may as well be thin while all the shit flies around you."


stay strong, think thin, live ana


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  1. i hope you find a way to post. i look forward to hearing from you. my parents (mother, really, father is irrelevant)are great at yelling&then walking away as if nothing happened. sort of convenient, actually. stay strong, darling.


  2. I'm sorry about your parents, mine are crap too. I think thats what makes us strive on. Thats funny about the psycologist, I too want to be one and my dad says the same shit.

    Your very lucky to have your friend, I know I wish I had someone. Stay strong lovely,

    L ♥

  3. Keep posting girl! <3 i'm so thankful you brought me into the blogging world

    <3 Katerina

  4. It's so hard when your parents find out about eating issues... Mine went way over the top with it though, to the point where i had to move out or be totally controlled by them in every move i made. Just be careful and sure to hide your disorder so they don't do what mine did.
    That's awesome that you have a real-life ana partner. I must admit, i'm rather jealous there!
    Rather than losing that weight to please someone, try losing it just for yourself. I honestly don't like the way molly seems to just want anyone to be with. I'd rather you found someone who loves you and only you just for who you are.
    Stay strong, darling. I know you'll do very well.

  5. honestly, if i lived in the same town as u i would kick the living fuck out of molly. she is so fucking stupid! i cant believe that. remember when she got pissed off and threatened to lve u for suggesting an open relationship. if i was u id tell her to fuck herself, and id make out with her best friend. urg!


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