Thursday, June 10, 2010

last night's dream

i'd just finished eating a meal i couldn't get out of. sitting on me knees on the floor in front of my closet, i debated getting rid of it, a walmart bag still crumpled in my hand. i was thin. very, very thin. my door opened and i looked up.
 
zack.
 
he bent down on the floor next to me. "don't do it, nikki," he said. "please, don't, please don't..."
 
i started crying and grabbed him, wrapping my arms around him as he did the same to me. he held me tightly and gently rubbed my back as he started quietly crying too, still muttering, "please don't do it."
 
"okay," i said. "i won't."
 
he had to go meet his girlfriend, but he said he'd be back. to talk. and i wanted that, just to sit and talk to him, pour my soul out, let everything go.
 
i heard his car and walked out into our garage, standing with him in the empty space where my dad's car would be when he got home from work. my mom came outside, i panicked. my parents never let me hang out with guy friends.
 
i started to ask, "would it be okay if me and my friend zack sat outside and talked for --"
 
"no," she cut me off. she went back inside.
 
i heaved a sigh and started to tear up. zack gave me a quick hug before he got in his car. as he pulled away,
 
i woke up.
 

***

 

is this some kind of omen? i've never had a dream so realistic. usually my dreams are weird and make no sense. but this felt so much more real. like the kind of thing that could actually happen. i'm a big believer in the importance of dreams. i think they can tell you things about your future or your subconscious emotions. is this some kind of warning? i don't know what it means. i don't know what to make of it. but i still weighed myself as soon as i woke up. still chewed and spat my pizza into a cup in beknownst to my 8 year old sister sitting on the other couch. still don't plan to digest any food until next week. still don't want to eat anything for as long as i can.

 

maybe i just had that dream because i fell asleep doing crunches, it was on my mind as i drifted into REM. who knows, really.

 

stay strong, think thin, live ana

xoxoNikkoxox



The New Busy think 9 to 5 is a cute idea. Combine multiple calendars with Hotmail. Get busy.

5 comments:

  1. Oooh, chew and spit. I never think to do that. I should, because I'm super paranoid about my teeth.

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  2. Maybe your dream does mean something?Like I had a dream of my neice before my sis even knew she was pregnant!I even got her birth date right!So maybe you should think about it for a while!Anyway stay strong,your amazing!

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  3. i think it may be a warning:(

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  4. A lot of the time, my dreams are either what i desperately want to happen or what i'm terrified will happen. Which do you think yours is? Do you want Zack to know so you can have someone to talk to? Or are you afraid of him knowing for fear that he'd tell someone who'd try to put you in a clinic?

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  5. dreams ARE very important. take caution. it may mean your secret is in danger!

    think thin.
    -mara-

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