Wednesday, June 23, 2010

"'did you believe others considered you overweight?' 'i believed others didn't consider me very often. i was too much, burdensome.'"

a couple nights ago my parents got in the usual argument over something stupid and pointless to argue about. i was in the kitchen making myself a salad and my 8 year old sister lauren some chicken when my mom walked in and said to diana, "i'm leaving tonight. you're coming with me. and i guess nikki can come too if she wants to." i told her, "lauren should be able to make that choice herself. maybe she doesn't want to go with you." lauren started crying and ran through the house to her room. i chased after her to console her, but mom blocked me. she physically wouldn't let me through. i followed her down the hall and she tried to shut lauren's door in my face. we fought, each pushing the door. i couldn't let mom brainwash lauren into thinking dad was horrible and she had to go with her. but eventually, i realized i wasn't going to get in that room any time soon. so i let her close the door.
i went outside and immediately dialed adam, but he didn't pick up. i called molly and she talked to me for 23 seconds before hanging up to say bye to her cousin who was leaving. i stood there for a moment, shocked. i couldn't wait for her to call me back. i had to go back inside.
i stood by my dad outside lauren's room while my parents argued right in front of her. when mom told me to leave, i said, "i'm not leaving. i'll stand up for my sister." i watched as my mom explained to lauren, "this is happening because daddy did this and daddy did that and daddy's just a big you know what who doesn't care about this family." i told her to stop brainwashing her. she said i'd better stop or i'd be grounded to which i laughed and replied, "you can't ground me. you're leaving!"
eventually they left her room and went to their bedroom to continue arguing. i took my sister in the kitchen, talked to her, made her hot chocolate. she told me she didn't love mom anymore. that mom was mean to her. that she wanted to live with me and dad. i told her, "you can. as long as you don't back down, you can do anything."
by the end of the night my mom had decided to stay, but the next morning dad told me in the car, "i know your mom decided to stay last night, but after her little episode, i don't think i'm going to resolve things with your mother." he said that if (an "if" that had a strong sense of "when") they split, we're going to move into my grandparents house. i told him what lauren told me the night before, that she wanted to live with us. before i logged onto this email, i saw that someone had googled, "how to get a divorce."
i really think this is going to happen.
i've always wanted my mother to leave. to step out of my life and never come back. but i can't let her take lauren and daisy with her. i can't let my sisters grow up the same way i did, be verbally abused the way i am. i've come close to getting hit a couple times. my neck has been grabbed by my mother's cold hands. who knows when she would finally snap and hit one of them. i don't want to picture lauren with the same red marks on my neck that my mother left on me the day she grabbed me. i refuse to let her experience that fear, that feeling that something very, very bad almost just happened. she will not constantly wonder when the day will come that mom will finally snap. i refuse to let either of my sisters live with her. i will fight for them. i will make my dad fight for them. but part of the reason that i've been worrying so much, that i've been so depressed, that i barely remember anything from yesterday morning when i was just gone into my head until noon, is the fear that we won't win. and it's that same fear of the unknown that pushed me yesterday to press that familiar button in the girls' bathroom after having no choice but to eat crescent roll sandwiches. that pushed me to suck on grains of rice for dinner and jog an hour and a half for dessert. crunches until i cried. then push ups. the whole time telling myself, "this is what you control. this is what can make one thing change for the better in the morning: the number on the scale." i woke up 3.5lbs lighter this morning and still dressed in a baggy shirt to hide my fat shame. i sat at the circle in the neighborhood near school smoking cigarettes before class, faking a smile as always. spent my time in class reading "you remind me of you" by erianne corrigan and soaking myself into her anorexic world, eyes widening at the similarities that have formed between our stories, staring off longingly imagining myself at her low weight of 80lbs. admiring her strength and trying to bring it into myself through my eyes, going back and forth across the pages.
isn't that what life is anyway? just going back and forth, back and forth, slowly working your way down lines and turning pages until you hit the back cover and don't know what to do next.
stay strong, think thin, live ana

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  1. i'm sorry things are shitty for you. proud of you for being so strong though. you're a tough little lady. hang in there darling.


  2. me too. stay strong hun. xx

  3. hang in there... hope you're okay. You can only do as much as you can, as stupidly simple as it sounds. Take it one day at a time... zette is correct, you sound like a toughie :)

  4. i'm sorry it's so rough for you right now, hun. Stay strong, and things will have to get better. It will all turn out the right way in the end.

  5. that is awful:( i think if it came down to divorce that your dad would get custody of allof you because your mom obviously isnt stable.

    we all love you nikki<3 you are so strong, and we are all here to help you through this.

  6. You sound like a wonderful sister, Lauren and Daisy are so lucky to have you. Stay Strong Lovely ♥

  7. Life's a little different from reading a book. The latter is too passive: to continue reading or to put down, to live or to die.

    I like to think that we're each authors of our own life. We have an active role in shaping how we want things to turn out, although it's true that extenuating circumstances sometimes dictate otherwise. But the best part is that even if the first book didn't go too well, we can still write a good sequel.

    You're right about having to look for the joy in life. It's hard at times though, especially when a certain thing in your life means as much as life itself to you and there's a danger of it crumbling into dust.

    Platitudes about how tomorrow will be better don't always work during such instances. The first book might have been such a failure that there's no possibility of a sequel ever.

    I have just argued myself into a circle. I guess my point is that hope is what makes life worth living.

    I'm so proud of you for standing up for your sister. I think that you and your dad have got a high chance of gaining custody of your sisters. Their wishes -in this case, they don't want to live with your mum- definitely count.

    *big hug*

  8. Oh girl, I am so so sorry that you have to deal with such difficult things. It is unfair that it falls upon you to make sure your sisters will be alright. But don't give up, never give up, you will win this battle.
    Your blog, your writing, you are beautiful. Never let anyone make you think otherwise.
    Stay strong, xoxo,

  9. I'm so proud of you. Children should grow up loved and supported, and if that means your mom out of the picture, thats how it will be. Never stop fighting for those you love. It will make you stronger.


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