a couple nights ago my parents got in the usual argument over something stupid and pointless to argue about. i was in the kitchen making myself a salad and my 8 year old sister lauren some chicken when my mom walked in and said to diana, "i'm leaving tonight. you're coming with me. and i guess nikki can come too if she wants to." i told her, "lauren should be able to make that choice herself. maybe she doesn't want to go with you." lauren started crying and ran through the house to her room. i chased after her to console her, but mom blocked me. she physically wouldn't let me through. i followed her down the hall and she tried to shut lauren's door in my face. we fought, each pushing the door. i couldn't let mom brainwash lauren into thinking dad was horrible and she had to go with her. but eventually, i realized i wasn't going to get in that room any time soon. so i let her close the door.
i went outside and immediately dialed adam, but he didn't pick up. i called molly and she talked to me for 23 seconds before hanging up to say bye to her cousin who was leaving. i stood there for a moment, shocked. i couldn't wait for her to call me back. i had to go back inside.
i stood by my dad outside lauren's room while my parents argued right in front of her. when mom told me to leave, i said, "i'm not leaving. i'll stand up for my sister." i watched as my mom explained to lauren, "this is happening because daddy did this and daddy did that and daddy's just a big you know what who doesn't care about this family." i told her to stop brainwashing her. she said i'd better stop or i'd be grounded to which i laughed and replied, "you can't ground me. you're leaving!"
eventually they left her room and went to their bedroom to continue arguing. i took my sister in the kitchen, talked to her, made her hot chocolate. she told me she didn't love mom anymore. that mom was mean to her. that she wanted to live with me and dad. i told her, "you can. as long as you don't back down, you can do anything."
by the end of the night my mom had decided to stay, but the next morning dad told me in the car, "i know your mom decided to stay last night, but after her little episode, i don't think i'm going to resolve things with your mother." he said that if (an "if" that had a strong sense of "when") they split, we're going to move into my grandparents house. i told him what lauren told me the night before, that she wanted to live with us. before i logged onto this email, i saw that someone had googled, "how to get a divorce."
i really think this is going to happen.
i've always wanted my mother to leave. to step out of my life and never come back. but i can't let her take lauren and daisy with her. i can't let my sisters grow up the same way i did, be verbally abused the way i am. i've come close to getting hit a couple times. my neck has been grabbed by my mother's cold hands. who knows when she would finally snap and hit one of them. i don't want to picture lauren with the same red marks on my neck that my mother left on me the day she grabbed me. i refuse to let her experience that fear, that feeling that something very, very bad almost just happened. she will not constantly wonder when the day will come that mom will finally snap. i refuse to let either of my sisters live with her. i will fight for them. i will make my dad fight for them. but part of the reason that i've been worrying so much, that i've been so depressed, that i barely remember anything from yesterday morning when i was just gone into my head until noon, is the fear that we won't win. and it's that same fear of the unknown that pushed me yesterday to press that familiar button in the girls' bathroom after having no choice but to eat crescent roll sandwiches. that pushed me to suck on grains of rice for dinner and jog an hour and a half for dessert. crunches until i cried. then push ups. the whole time telling myself, "this is what you control. this is what can make one thing change for the better in the morning: the number on the scale." i woke up 3.5lbs lighter this morning and still dressed in a baggy shirt to hide my fat shame. i sat at the circle in the neighborhood near school smoking cigarettes before class, faking a smile as always. spent my time in class reading "you remind me of you" by erianne corrigan and soaking myself into her anorexic world, eyes widening at the similarities that have formed between our stories, staring off longingly imagining myself at her low weight of 80lbs. admiring her strength and trying to bring it into myself through my eyes, going back and forth across the pages.
isn't that what life is anyway? just going back and forth, back and forth, slowly working your way down lines and turning pages until you hit the back cover and don't know what to do next.
stay strong, think thin, live ana
The New Busy is not the old busy. Search, chat and e-mail from your inbox. Get started.