Saturday, June 12, 2010

aftermath

so i haven't exactly filled you all in on the aftermath of my vacation. see, i went with my grandparents, uncle, sister, and molly. my parents didn't know molly was going...

until right before we left.

when i got in the car i got a text from my dad. we exchanged a few words, me apologizing and him just being plain angry. throughout the whole trip, my parents called my phone only to talk to my little sister. neither of them wanted to talk to me.

but each night as molly and me laid on the deck, looking up at the stars, smoking cigarettes, talking about whatever came to our minds until late into the night, we grew closer, and i felt that whatever was waiting at home for me would be worth feeling like my relationship was finally back at that perfect bliss. i felt like she was finally completely committed to me, and she finally believed that i was.

when i got home, there was no explosion. in fact, my parents didn't say a word to me. the first thing i heard from them was the next day, when my mom came in to bitch at me about chores. i thought maybe they'd gotten over it. they were quietly angry but weren't going to do anything.

boy, was i wrong.

when i asked to spend a night at a friend's house thursday night, all hell broke loose. as my mom made me sit to dinner, she began to pour out everything she'd kept to herself since i got home. the end result? i'm not allowed to go to molly's house ever again. and if i want to see my grandparents, one of my parents has to be present. i sat at the dinner table crying, one plain pancake on my plate. i refused to eat any more.

the two places i had as escapes from my life have been taken from me. the two places where i was free, where i felt at home, or as close as i could get. just when my relationship seemed perfect, we have to hit a major obstacle. when i tried to get my parents to let molly come over today, they refused. tomorrow is our year and a half mark. i spent the past month working on my first full-band song to give to her. and i can't even see her. can't give her the cd with the song i worked so hard on. i can't even see her.

i feel like we're stronger now, and i hope that we are. because when situations like this have happened in the past to where we couldn't see eachother for a length of time, molly couldn't take it. i really hope that this time is different. because i don't know how much more heartache i can take before my heart never mends again. i'm scared.

i feel like so many things in my life are out of control. and the one thing that i can control is eating. if molly's not gonna see me for weeks at a time, may as well shock her with my weight loss the next time she does see me. and while i'm at it, why not shock the people i see when band camp starts at the end of july? and by august, when school starts, i can lose enough to leave jaws on the floor. life throws so many unwanted surprises at me. for once, i want to shock the world.

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

5 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry hun! I really hope everything works out for you!

    ReplyDelete
  2. oh no :( I hope you get to keep seeing Molly, you can find a way. Fight for it :) don't let your parents ruin that. Oh... and shock em dead :)

    ReplyDelete
  3. Damn straight you can shock her. Nothing will make you feel better than standing on the scale every morning lighter than the day before. Keep strong <3

    ReplyDelete
  4. parents are such jerks when you are a teenager. try your best to leave home as soon as you can.. and if you can raise hell in your house definitely do!

    ReplyDelete
  5. i wish u could run here. honestly. ur parents are psychotic. if i was you, i would go home and go straight to my room. when they yell at you just sit there and take it, dont respond or talk at all. It will drive them insane and it makes them realize "wow, im abusing my child" and they stop. my mom use to be a psychopath, but i started that and she started saying sorry and attempting to win me over.

    ReplyDelete

*** note: hater comments will be deleted ***