Tuesday, June 29, 2010

reader beware: this one has chapters

just to let you all know, i've been banned from the internet until further notice. why? i went on facebook. i'll post at school and other places when i can, but considering my mom doesn't let us go to my grandma's anymore, i'm afraid to say that for a while my posts may be few and far between.

 

chapter 1: the evidence

 

the other night, my mom found bags of vomit in the trash. being a former ED queen, she knew exactly why it was there and where it had come from. i wasn't an idiot, i put ziplock bags into walmart bags and layered and tied to hide the smell like any experienced bulimic, i don't know why my mother felt the urge to dig through the trash in the garbage can outside. but it doesn't matter. what mattered was that when she came home from the grocery store her and dad summoned me into the kitchen. "what's going on with your eating?' my dad asked. it hit me like a brick in the face. i didn't see this coming, i didn't know what they knew, what they had found or how they had found it. i played dumb, said "what do you mean?" mom told me what she had found and i stood there, dumbstruck, my tongue, lips and throat no longer capable of cooperating with eachother in order to form a sound. i did tell the (half) truth and say i'd stopped doing it (at home) a couple weeks ago. mom didn't believe me. i thought, the hell do you know? you think you know everything because you've caught me in a few things. but you have no idea what i do or who i am. i ignored her. i didn't even look at her the whole time. "you know that's bad for your teeth?" she said. "yes. i know," i replied flatly. "and it tears up your throat?" "yes. i know." "and not to mention the expense of it." i should have known her only concern was the money. the only thing that kinda hit me was what my dad said: "you know, for someone who wants to be a psychologist, you do a lot of stupid things." it's true. it's absolutely true. but you know, there's doctors who are alcoholics. there's math teachers who don't know their times tables. at least years from now when i start working with patients i'll know what the hell i'm talking about. anyways, dad told me i have one more chance. then they both shoved the whole thing under the rug, like everything else.

 

chapter 2: katerina

it's pretty safe to say that every ana out there has wished they had another pro ana buddy in real life. not just online or through texting, but an actual friend who lived near them, someone they could hang out with who was on the same page as them. the other night i discovered, some crazy wishes do come true.

 

i may have mentioned before that i had a friend who was a former anorexic. katerina. i was texting her and we both ended up mentioning we hadn't eaten much lately. then agreed we both wanted to lose more. soon, we were swapping UGWs and it was clearly understood that we were both on the same page. i told her about this blog, and she decided she wants me to tell her story here. so here it is:

 

katerina first told me about her eating disorder in freshman biology, back in the days when i thought ribs looked gross and sliced up my arm to deal with life. i was talking to another friend about how my little sister had refused to eat half her dinner, and said she didn't want to eat it all because she didn't want to get fat. what started as giving me advice about my sister turned into a handwritten confession; passing notes back and forth in class that day she admitted to me that she was anorexic. i would later find out that i was the first person she told. our friendship sat on a foundation of mental sickness, katerina refusing to eat, and me refusing to put down the razorblade.

 

it's amazing how much things have changed in the past few years. i remember one particular night, katerina sent me a picture of herself with her ribs sticking out. i remember my jaw dropping to the floor, my eyes watering. i remember the days i used to beg her to eat. now look at me. i'm doing the exact things that she used to do.

 

aside from the ana connection, katerina and i have a lot in common, especially with our mothers. her mom is just about as crazy and bitchy as mine, and pushes things under the rug the same way my parents do. when katerina told her mom she was anorexic, she didn't do anything about it, still bitched at her about her weight. see the connection?

 

the only thing we don't have in common is that molly won't be understanding if she ever finds out about my ED. one story i'll never forget about katerina is the night her old boyfriend charlie found out about hers. he caught her throwing up and instead of getting angry like molly would, he held her hair back. they broke up later on, but i can't even fathom being in a relationship with someone who knew about my ED, but didn't absolutely throw a fit about it. i got a chance to talk to charlie a couple of times, and all he was interested in was loving her and making her happy. molly has told me flat out that if she ever found out i was doing anything like that, she'd make sure i went to rehab.

 

i feel like this is such a turning point for me. ironically, this whole conversation took place as i was running in place in my room. by the end of my hour long cardio workout, everything was out in the open. it's a little strange, knowing one of my real life friends is reading my blog now. but it's also really exciting, knowing i have a friend now to hang out with who is just as reluctant to eat as me. now socializing won't automatically mean eating. going to a friends house won't mean being dragged into the kitchen as soon as they hear my stomach growl and force me to admit that i haven't eaten in days. just me, katerina and ana, a team of three working together to reach the finish line. i'm going to be 120lbs by the time school starts. maybe lower. a lot can happen in two months. especially when you have your best friend on your side. :) [[btw, she's starting a blog too. check it: http://paper--thin.blogspot.com]]

 

chapter 3: running

this part's short. somehow, the girl who used to feel like she was going to die after 5 minutes of jogging pushed herself to jog an hour the other night. for sixty minutes straight i ran in place in front of the tv (nothing like a marathon of the big gay sketch show to keep me less focused on my burning leg muscle), doing high knees every other commercial. this happened, ironically, while i was having that fate-__ed conversation with katerina. i know it sounds lame, jogging in place in your bedroom from midnight to 1am, but if you don't believe it's a workout, try it and see for yourself. i got that runner's high and just kept going. it's addictive. once you get to that high, that feeling like you're flying, you don't want to stop. it's like when i'm running, i'm just far enough ahead of that looming dark cloud. like the whole time i know that if i stop, it'll catch up to me and i'll be back in the rain. so i push myself harder just to stay dry a little longer. i have a new workout regime of a minimum 1 hour jog, 20 minutes swimming laps, 100 crunches before i leave for school, 100 when i get home, and 100 before i go to bed. 15 pushups every time i do crunches. before, i hated exercise. i could only stand it on the wii fit because it made it into a game. now, i love it. i feel powerful. i feel in control. i feel like i'm forcing the fat out of my body. it's like a drug.

 

chapter 4: bullshit, for the umpteenth time

molly was acting weird yesterday. when you've been dating someone for a year and a half, you can tell over the phone, from the tone of their voice alone that something's going on. apparently though, a year and half of dating doesn't mean shit when it comes to commitment. molly has a thing for this girl again, the third or fourth time, and said yesterday that she wanted an open relationship because i wasn't around enough. she said she's "lonely." i can't help it if my parents won't let me see her for the time being. of course i end up being a doormat and letting her do it because i don't want to lose her and i have that intense fear of being left alone. i just really thought things were different this time. after the last time we broke up, she said she'd changed, that she felt completely committed to me. a while back, she started getting a crush on the same girl again, but said she deleted the number from her phone and pushed her away because she wanted to focus on me. she tried. what changed between then and now that she didn't want to try anymore? what makes me not worth it?

 

oh yeah. i remember now. cuz i'm FAT.

 

i'm spinning this all into motivation. maybe when i'm thin, she won't be so distracted by other girls. when my thighs no longer touch she will think only of me. when my stomach is flat she won't forget me. when i'm light as air, she'll hang on tighter to keep me from floating away.

 

 

sorry this was so long, but think of it as four posts unfortunately rolled into one. i might try blogging by texting to the email address i use to blog via email, but i don't know how that's going to work just yet. keep a lookout for me and check out katerina's blog, http://paper--thin.blogspot.com. i'm not going anywhere, i'm not in any trouble, i'm just having technical difficulties.

 

well you know what they say. "may as well be thin while all the shit flies around you."

 

stay strong, think thin, live ana

xoxoNikkioxox



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Wednesday, June 23, 2010

"'did you believe others considered you overweight?' 'i believed others didn't consider me very often. i was too much, burdensome.'"

a couple nights ago my parents got in the usual argument over something stupid and pointless to argue about. i was in the kitchen making myself a salad and my 8 year old sister lauren some chicken when my mom walked in and said to diana, "i'm leaving tonight. you're coming with me. and i guess nikki can come too if she wants to." i told her, "lauren should be able to make that choice herself. maybe she doesn't want to go with you." lauren started crying and ran through the house to her room. i chased after her to console her, but mom blocked me. she physically wouldn't let me through. i followed her down the hall and she tried to shut lauren's door in my face. we fought, each pushing the door. i couldn't let mom brainwash lauren into thinking dad was horrible and she had to go with her. but eventually, i realized i wasn't going to get in that room any time soon. so i let her close the door.
 
i went outside and immediately dialed adam, but he didn't pick up. i called molly and she talked to me for 23 seconds before hanging up to say bye to her cousin who was leaving. i stood there for a moment, shocked. i couldn't wait for her to call me back. i had to go back inside.
 
i stood by my dad outside lauren's room while my parents argued right in front of her. when mom told me to leave, i said, "i'm not leaving. i'll stand up for my sister." i watched as my mom explained to lauren, "this is happening because daddy did this and daddy did that and daddy's just a big you know what who doesn't care about this family." i told her to stop brainwashing her. she said i'd better stop or i'd be grounded to which i laughed and replied, "you can't ground me. you're leaving!"
 
eventually they left her room and went to their bedroom to continue arguing. i took my sister in the kitchen, talked to her, made her hot chocolate. she told me she didn't love mom anymore. that mom was mean to her. that she wanted to live with me and dad. i told her, "you can. as long as you don't back down, you can do anything."
 
by the end of the night my mom had decided to stay, but the next morning dad told me in the car, "i know your mom decided to stay last night, but after her little episode, i don't think i'm going to resolve things with your mother." he said that if (an "if" that had a strong sense of "when") they split, we're going to move into my grandparents house. i told him what lauren told me the night before, that she wanted to live with us. before i logged onto this email, i saw that someone had googled, "how to get a divorce."
 
i really think this is going to happen.
 
i've always wanted my mother to leave. to step out of my life and never come back. but i can't let her take lauren and daisy with her. i can't let my sisters grow up the same way i did, be verbally abused the way i am. i've come close to getting hit a couple times. my neck has been grabbed by my mother's cold hands. who knows when she would finally snap and hit one of them. i don't want to picture lauren with the same red marks on my neck that my mother left on me the day she grabbed me. i refuse to let her experience that fear, that feeling that something very, very bad almost just happened. she will not constantly wonder when the day will come that mom will finally snap. i refuse to let either of my sisters live with her. i will fight for them. i will make my dad fight for them. but part of the reason that i've been worrying so much, that i've been so depressed, that i barely remember anything from yesterday morning when i was just gone into my head until noon, is the fear that we won't win. and it's that same fear of the unknown that pushed me yesterday to press that familiar button in the girls' bathroom after having no choice but to eat crescent roll sandwiches. that pushed me to suck on grains of rice for dinner and jog an hour and a half for dessert. crunches until i cried. then push ups. the whole time telling myself, "this is what you control. this is what can make one thing change for the better in the morning: the number on the scale." i woke up 3.5lbs lighter this morning and still dressed in a baggy shirt to hide my fat shame. i sat at the circle in the neighborhood near school smoking cigarettes before class, faking a smile as always. spent my time in class reading "you remind me of you" by erianne corrigan and soaking myself into her anorexic world, eyes widening at the similarities that have formed between our stories, staring off longingly imagining myself at her low weight of 80lbs. admiring her strength and trying to bring it into myself through my eyes, going back and forth across the pages.
 
isn't that what life is anyway? just going back and forth, back and forth, slowly working your way down lines and turning pages until you hit the back cover and don't know what to do next.
 
stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox


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Saturday, June 19, 2010

should i stay or should i go?

every once in a while, as we're walking along this road that begins in life and ends in death, we hit an obstacle. a fallen tree to climb over. a branching path to choose or ignore. a storm to hide from.
 
this week i was caught by my mother, chewing and spitting. since then i have been torn between my fear of getting caught, my desperation to be thin, and a nagging part of me that just wants to say, "fuck it."
 
i have been eating "normally" since i got caught. as i lay in bed at night still succumbing to the same routine of pinching and prodding my fat as i lay awake staring into darkness, i debate whether to fast the next day. some nights i decide yes, others no. either way, i wake up the next morning and end up fixing some scrambled eggs or cereal. i'm not binging, and from the times i've checked i'm not gaining, but i'm not losing and i'm not happy.
 
knowing my mother will be keeping a close eye on me from now on, i don't know whether to stay with ana or take a leave of absence until i move out. i know that when i go to college and turn 18 i'll be buying every diet pill known to man and taking advantage of the fact that i'd have to walk across campus to get a bite to eat. but for now, in high school, living at home, it's difficult.
 
i'll still be blogging, because ana will always be a part of me. i just don't know if i'll be able to live the life i dream about anymore. i miss it. i miss the control. i hate that, one by one, the few things in life that kept me sane are being taken away from me. as i've started eating again, my mood swings have come back worse than ever. i go from laughing and perfectly fine to laying in bed, unable to move, depressed beyond comprehension for no particular reason. i hate what's happening to my life. i hate what's happening to me.
 
stay strong, think thin, live ana. live ana for me, because i can't.
xoxoNikkioxox


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Monday, June 14, 2010

a pound a day leaves them all blown away :)

if i lose one pound a day, i will be 110lbs in 34 days. barely over a month. if i really commit, really keep at it, and make sure i lose at least that every day, i will be at my goal weight by band camp at the end of july. just a pound a day. one pound. 1. not hard. i can do this. i just have to stay focused.
 
this weekend i'm sneaking over to molly's to go to six flags, and later get drunk. this will be the last day i spend with her that i'm not restricting. no exceptions.
 
until further notice, no exceptions.
 
i will shock them all.
 
stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox


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Saturday, June 12, 2010

aftermath

so i haven't exactly filled you all in on the aftermath of my vacation. see, i went with my grandparents, uncle, sister, and molly. my parents didn't know molly was going...

until right before we left.

when i got in the car i got a text from my dad. we exchanged a few words, me apologizing and him just being plain angry. throughout the whole trip, my parents called my phone only to talk to my little sister. neither of them wanted to talk to me.

but each night as molly and me laid on the deck, looking up at the stars, smoking cigarettes, talking about whatever came to our minds until late into the night, we grew closer, and i felt that whatever was waiting at home for me would be worth feeling like my relationship was finally back at that perfect bliss. i felt like she was finally completely committed to me, and she finally believed that i was.

when i got home, there was no explosion. in fact, my parents didn't say a word to me. the first thing i heard from them was the next day, when my mom came in to bitch at me about chores. i thought maybe they'd gotten over it. they were quietly angry but weren't going to do anything.

boy, was i wrong.

when i asked to spend a night at a friend's house thursday night, all hell broke loose. as my mom made me sit to dinner, she began to pour out everything she'd kept to herself since i got home. the end result? i'm not allowed to go to molly's house ever again. and if i want to see my grandparents, one of my parents has to be present. i sat at the dinner table crying, one plain pancake on my plate. i refused to eat any more.

the two places i had as escapes from my life have been taken from me. the two places where i was free, where i felt at home, or as close as i could get. just when my relationship seemed perfect, we have to hit a major obstacle. when i tried to get my parents to let molly come over today, they refused. tomorrow is our year and a half mark. i spent the past month working on my first full-band song to give to her. and i can't even see her. can't give her the cd with the song i worked so hard on. i can't even see her.

i feel like we're stronger now, and i hope that we are. because when situations like this have happened in the past to where we couldn't see eachother for a length of time, molly couldn't take it. i really hope that this time is different. because i don't know how much more heartache i can take before my heart never mends again. i'm scared.

i feel like so many things in my life are out of control. and the one thing that i can control is eating. if molly's not gonna see me for weeks at a time, may as well shock her with my weight loss the next time she does see me. and while i'm at it, why not shock the people i see when band camp starts at the end of july? and by august, when school starts, i can lose enough to leave jaws on the floor. life throws so many unwanted surprises at me. for once, i want to shock the world.

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

Friday, June 11, 2010

celebration!

seeing that i now have 100 followers just brightened my day! it's a milestone, for sure. and to add to that excitement...

i have lost 9.5lbs in 5 days.

i don't know how i lost so much. i started monday at 152 after vacation, and this morning weighed in at 142.5. all i've eaten since monday is a little coffee creamer, one mountain dew, and a little popcorn last night at a sleepover. i'm so proud of myself. i feel like i could go on in this routine forever. i have been strong and ana has thus rewarded me. right now, i refuse to think about all the other chaos going on in my life. i have this bream of light to hang onto, amidst the darkness. that's a post for another day. i'm sortof masking my dark mood right now, but if i've hit 100 followers, i don't want to bring them all down right after i find that out.

i made a new thinspo video to celebrate my weight loss this week:

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

Thursday, June 10, 2010

last night's dream

i'd just finished eating a meal i couldn't get out of. sitting on me knees on the floor in front of my closet, i debated getting rid of it, a walmart bag still crumpled in my hand. i was thin. very, very thin. my door opened and i looked up.
 
zack.
 
he bent down on the floor next to me. "don't do it, nikki," he said. "please, don't, please don't..."
 
i started crying and grabbed him, wrapping my arms around him as he did the same to me. he held me tightly and gently rubbed my back as he started quietly crying too, still muttering, "please don't do it."
 
"okay," i said. "i won't."
 
he had to go meet his girlfriend, but he said he'd be back. to talk. and i wanted that, just to sit and talk to him, pour my soul out, let everything go.
 
i heard his car and walked out into our garage, standing with him in the empty space where my dad's car would be when he got home from work. my mom came outside, i panicked. my parents never let me hang out with guy friends.
 
i started to ask, "would it be okay if me and my friend zack sat outside and talked for --"
 
"no," she cut me off. she went back inside.
 
i heaved a sigh and started to tear up. zack gave me a quick hug before he got in his car. as he pulled away,
 
i woke up.
 

***

 

is this some kind of omen? i've never had a dream so realistic. usually my dreams are weird and make no sense. but this felt so much more real. like the kind of thing that could actually happen. i'm a big believer in the importance of dreams. i think they can tell you things about your future or your subconscious emotions. is this some kind of warning? i don't know what it means. i don't know what to make of it. but i still weighed myself as soon as i woke up. still chewed and spat my pizza into a cup in beknownst to my 8 year old sister sitting on the other couch. still don't plan to digest any food until next week. still don't want to eat anything for as long as i can.

 

maybe i just had that dream because i fell asleep doing crunches, it was on my mind as i drifted into REM. who knows, really.

 

stay strong, think thin, live ana

xoxoNikkoxox



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Tuesday, June 8, 2010

update, prayers answered, making habits

so i went on vacation with my girlfriend to my grandparents lakehouse. and despite fattening up to 152lbs, it was amazing. i feel like we're so much closer now. we'd stay up every night sitting on the porch looking up at the stars, smoking cigarettes, and just talking for hours. not to mention great sex 3 nights in a row, haha. anyways, i really feel like she's committed to me now. several times i wanted to tell her about ana. but i knew better.
 
after i came back, that same afternoon, i cut things off with tara. i straight up told her that we could be friends, but i had no interest in cheating. honestly, i'd lost my interest in her like a week ago. the rush just wasn't there anymore. maybe i just got over my phase?
 
the day after i got back, yesterday, i weighed in to see how much damage had been done. 152. eight disgusting pounds. i was devestated. i fell to the floor right then and there. i laid in bed all day, depressed. when my mom asked at 6pm if i was going to eat dinner (i usually eat or "eat" at 4) i told her i hadn't been feeling well and would make some scrambled eggs in a bit. so after an intake of about 230 calories at dinner, i prayed last night to some invisible, nonexistant god. "ana," i pleaded. "please let me weigh less tomorrow. i know i have sinned. i will do better. i did better today. please, please, let me be thinner in the morning..."
 
and this morning, my prayers were answered with a loss of 3.5lbs.
 
it takes 3 days to make a habit. today was day one, running on nothing but a lemonade lite. 2 days from now, i will be unstoppable. by the time i hang out with molly, my habit might actually be strong enough to lie my way out of food around her. i could go all summer running on empty. i want to push myself until i faint. just the thought of how far i'm going to make myself go makes me feel strong. i am going to be invincible. when i start band camp at the end of july, everyone is going to be shocked at my transformation. like a butterfly out of its cacoon, i will be beauty arisen from filth. beautiful, beautiful bones.
 
stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox


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