Saturday, May 15, 2010

secrets spilled and kept

secret spilled: i spent the night at molly's last night. she said she wanted to vent to me, so we went outside and sat on her porch. she was quiet, said she didn't know where to start. finally she said it: "i really like sarah." i was speechless. i guess i should have seen it coming. she has kissed sarah twice, once while we were in an open relationship, and once last time we broke up. sarah's not interested because she doesn't want to be with a girl younger than her, but still. molly has feelings for someone else. "it's her personality," she said. "if you met her you'd understand." two hours later i met her, and as i saw her collossal hips and tiny head, heard her speak in a mix of black and southern accents (she's white), i did not understand.

secret spilled: i admitted a bit about jay. just a little, i held a lot of it back. i didn't tell her how much i liked him, how i was willing to go out with him last time we broke up. i told her that zack talked to him and he said he wasn't interested (truth) and left it at that. i can't help wondering though, that if i held back my confessions, what are the chances that molly did too?

secret kept: this girl tara likes me. i'm sure of it. she admitted she "used to" but it's obvious she still does. and i'm starting to get a little bit of feelings for her. molly specifically told both of us NOT to do anything. what she doesn't know wouldn't hurt her? am i really gonna cheat again? tara wants to hang out next weekend, and i'm probably going to go. i'm debating whether to do something. or ask for an open relationship so i can do something without breaking any rules. i get along with her really well, and she's fun to flirt with, but we're so set up to be best friends and i don't want to ruin that. she just really gets me, in ways that most people don't. she picked me up from molly's today to take me to our school carnival and as soon as i saw her the first thought in my mind was that she looked, well, hot. her hair was down and curly instead of the usual flat-ironed ponytail. i just don't know.

secret kept: when me and molly were outside pouring confessions, i wanted so badly to tell her about my eating disorder. she knows i'm "dieting," but she doesn't know how extreme it is. sometimes i just want to be the helpless being helped. i envision being a pile of brittle bones, and she would pick up my sad shivering body and hold me to keep me warm, feeding me meager triumphs by the spoonful. at the same time, i know she wouldn't understand.

secret spilled: i introduced zack to the world of pro ana. we were talking about how sometimes having a defined "thing wrong with you" gives you that sense of connection and otherstanding with other people with the same problem. and i told him i understood, and that that sense of community is why i "used to" go on pro ana sites. he was not judgemental as i tried to explain my culture. i told him i still look at thinspo, still talk to a few of my ana text buddies, that i "used to" run a blog. he wasn't angry, disgusted, or horrified. i even showed him Pretty Thin. his reaction? he wanted innocent clarification. understanding. it's things like that, they remind me just why he's my best friend.

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

2 comments:

  1. oh boy. secrets hold so much. hang in there, lovely. you'll be alright.

    xoxo
    zette

    ReplyDelete
  2. oh boy :) we're here for you darling

    xo

    ReplyDelete

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