Thursday, May 13, 2010


i popped ritalin again last night. even though last time after i got so dehydrated i swore i never would. 2 pills down the hatch after puking my guts out into a walmart bag. i laid in bed studying biology with my jaw clenched, teeth grinding. i couldn't focus on anything. all i could think the whole time i was in this horrid high was, "at least this will help me lose." ritalin is a stimulant, same drug family as caffeine. stimulant --> energy --> burning calories --> losing weight.

i woke up this morning two pounds lighter than yesterday, that familiar dizziness and headache welcomed back home by my growling stomach. coffee, some carrots, and a single bite of dinner is all i've had so far for the day. if i'm hungry at home, i'm allowed only lettuce. i keep telling myself, just one more day. just one more day, nikki.

but as i walked with pride in the feeling of my schoolbooks resting my struggling-to-surface hipbones, i asked myself: is 2lbs worth it? worth risking addiction? worth not being able to finally, desperately drift into sleep at 2 am? worth a high i don't even enjoy? i don't know why i even took the pills from the medicine cabinet in the first place. i don't know why i decided to swallow them. if i'm doing drugs that i know i don't like, what does that say about me? i can't do this again...

i told myself a long time ago that cigarrettes, weed and booze was the limit. pills are past that limit. ana drug me over that line. the worst part is, i took her hand and followed without protest.

i love you, ana. i gave my life to you. but i am an ana, not a pill-popper.

stay strong, think thin, live ana


  1. That's tough, I've been there... staying off pills like that is definitely the way to go. Good luck. :)

  2. Be areful with the pills they can be very addictive. in one point i was popping laxitives like they where candy.

    i hope you are doing well.


  3. Nikki darling, thanks for your sunshine award. It made my day. (:

    I'm glad you noticed my little sidebar, although I must say the Ana connotations weren't intentional. With all things in life, I suppose there's always an ugly fuzzy caterpillar stage before the metamorphosis into something beautiful.

    I have always been wary, however, of associating myself with this perfect creature called Ana. I know how helpful it is to personalise Ana, to look up to her as the epitome of perfection and beauty and everything good. But that's where the danger lies. She creeps into your mind insidiously, sinking her tentacles into your mind so that you can't ever get her to leave.

    I wouldn't want to spend my life always looking over my shoulder, always wondering and fretting if I'm living up to Ana's standards. (I'd be over the moon if I could live up to MY standards.)

    I think the weight loss from Ritalin is due to water loss. Hence the dehydration that you experienced previously. Definitely not worth the side effects you mentioned then.

    Do take care.


    P/s - I hope I haven't offended. (: You can always drop me an email if you want someone to talk to:


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