Wednesday, May 26, 2010

"i need you to know, i'm not through the night, some days i'm still fighting to walk towards the light..."

jay... god. this is the last week of school and yesterday was my last day to see him. for some reason (maybe because he realized that too?) he started getting very touchy feely in his flirting with me. at lunch yesterday he kept tickling me, grabbing me, pulling me to him. at one point he wrapped me in a hug and then tickle-tackled me to the floor. i'm a sucker for the ones who make me laugh. he jokes (or maybe he's not joking) about having sex with me. when we parted ways after lunch yesterday his last words were: "let me know if you and molly ever break up again!" with a smile and a wink. joking? serious? a little of both? in the past couple days my feelings for him that were once dormant have now skyrocketed. and because i'm already so used to lying to molly, i am tempted. there's just this insatiable urge in me to throw myself at him. maybe it's because i havent seen molly in 2 weeks. maybe it's because i'm a thrill junkie. maybe it's because i'm a control junkie, and i defy people just to feel like something is in my hands for once. maybe i just want to know who i am. or maybe i'm just a bitch who's about to cheat on her girlfriend.

on top of this, i have suffered through headaches and hunger for days and only lost one measley pound. sick of throwing up, i kept the lunch today that i ate with my grandma, swearing to myself it would be the only thing i eat until this weekend. i wanted to be in the 130s by summer but i doubt i can lose 4lbs in a day; that's just unrealistic. i've lost the fire and hit rock bottom, swinging from one nervous breakdown to the next. i feel so alone. whenever i get into conversations with people and start talking about my friends, i realize i really don't have any friends. sure, there's people i talk to, but the only people i could actually say i have a significant relationship with are zack and my friend adam, who is in college in illinois so i never see him.

have you ever just wanted to be noticed? for someone to realize that something is wrong. for someone to see past the brick wall you put up to the fragile thing inside that is the real you. i keep having these dreams that i am blue and bones, a crumpled heap on the floor in the middle of a crowd. and no one stops to help me. i feel weak. and i just want someone to pick me up and hold me and let me collapse into them so i don't collapse into myself. maybe that's why i'm so determined to be bone thin. so there's nothing to hide the fact that something is wrong.

i probably won't be able to post again until after i get back from vacation. something needs to happen between now and then, some kick in the ass to get me back on the fast track to starvation. otherwise i'm going to pig out through the whole vacation and come back fat as ever.

139. 139. 139. please. just give me that. 139....


  1. Enjoy your vacation. Throwing up is horrible and the headaches are killing you. I am also not losing (enough) wait and starving myself and throwing up everything I do eat.

    Stay strong, we can honestly do this.

    Much love,

  2. I know it seems like you want to be found out so badly, for someone to see you. I wanted that too and was found out. It was amazing...for about 5 minutes and then they started watching me and judging me. I hate it, I have no freedom. Stay in the shadows, trust me.

  3. I'm addicted to your story, to your writing. You're amazing, and I hope Molly gets that one day, or she doesn't deserve you.

  4. I know, I used to want to be found out too, I used to want to be bone thin and scarred when people found me because the inside would match the outside.It's not worth it though. Nobody really understands, and it's more annoying constantly insisting that 'I'm fine!!'.
    Plus not eating is more obvious.

  5. I just found your blog, and trust me, you're not invisible or unnoticeable. I'm actually quite picky about which blogs i follow and i chose to follow yours. You seem like a truly awesome person from what i've read.
    And i'm definitely appreciating the "useful links" and "ana's playlist" you have on the side of your blog. That's so amazingly helpful to me now.


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