Tuesday, May 4, 2010

conflict

after hitting a plateau after weeks of restricting, i finally completed a successful fast yesterday. i woke up this morning two pounds lighter and adjusted my belt accordingly. as i drank my black coffee shivering in the warm morning air i felt on top of the world. i took my usual seat in the hallway by the band room and turned my ipod to "world war me" by from first to last. "starve down to the bone, we're looking better bony, who needs figure anyway? stay with me, stay with me..." as the music poured into my ears i felt myself draining away, letting myself succumb to it. this other world, this secret life of mine, i realized, is not just a part of me, it is me. i comforted myself in this fact. i was snoozing in ana's bony embrace.
 
but then a realization struck me.
 
i felt my entire body tense as the tears surged behind my eyelids, shrieking pleas for escape. i ran to the bathroom away from observers. i had forgotten. i'd completely forgotten. the weekend retreat...
 
i'm going to have to eat.
 
friday after school until saturday afternoon, i'll be away from my family and school life and cell phone on a weekend retreat. there's no doubt that i'll have to face 3 meals (dinner friday, breakfast and lunch saturday), and an unforseeable amout of snacks. there's going to be temptation everywhere. and if i don't eat like a "normal" person, molly's friends will put me on red alert, especially the one who i know for a fact used to have an eating disorder herself. 
 
in psychology, we call this an an avoidance-avoidance conflict. each option in a choice is equally undesirable. my options: get fat, or get caught.
 
stay strong, think thin, live ana (the mantra i'll no doubt be repeating for the next 3 days as i fast to make up for what's to come)
xoxoNikkioxox


The New Busy think 9 to 5 is a cute idea. Combine multiple calendars with Hotmail. Get busy.

1 comment:

  1. dont stress, pick low calorie things. u can do this sweetie

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