Thursday, May 6, 2010

concern

i sat down at lunch with my head spinning, my throat still swollen from last night, from continuing to make myself gag even after i knew fully well that my stomach was empty. i just tried to look normal.
 
zack came sat down at the table after getting his food, fries and a side salad (our school's definition of a "salad" is a little bit of lettuce in a small styrofoam bowl - doesn't that sound worth the 75 cents zack paid for it?). as he popped open the little plastic cup of cheese to dip his fries in - which i was staring at, like any food i saw today - he said, "i don't think i want this." he held it out to me and asked if i did. we stared eachother down, his eyes begging, "please eat," and mine begging, "please don't make me eat..." shelby, sitting between us, unaware of the silent arguement ensueing on either side of her, piped up, "i'll take it! just gotta get some dressing." she and jay left to get some ranch, planning to split it. zack slid over on the bench to talk to me, softly so liz and dave wouldn't hear across the table.
 
"you haven't eaten in four days," he said. "you need to get food in you. your body needs food." i sat, silent, unable to look at him. i felt like i was going to cry. i wanted so badly just to go get a sandwich like any normal high schooler, but i couldn't bring myself to it. the hunger in me and the ana in me battled. but the end result: stick to the plan, just one more day. just be good today. zack continued to try to convince me to eat.
 
shelby and jay returned to the table and dug into the little salad, dipping each piece of crunchy green lettuce into the cup of creamy ranch like chips into dip. i wanted so badly to just have a taste. i was staring, and shelby noticed. "are you okay?" she asked me. "yeah," i said. "just tired." she asked if i wanted some, and i politely declined. my heart racing, i realized, she could be onto me.
 
i took the slimfast out of my purse that has been nestled at the bottom all week. a prop. i took a few sips. my tongue loved the sweet chocolate sensation. i threw the can away before it was even a third of the way empty.
 
those eyes are haunting me. the sad concerned eyes of a friend.
 
stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox


The New Busy think 9 to 5 is a cute idea. Combine multiple calendars with Hotmail. Get busy.

6 comments:

  1. Not a super helpful comment, just thought I'd let you know I'm sorry you're having a rough time. :(

    ReplyDelete
  2. Aw sweetie, feel better :) You're doing very well, just make sure to get a tiny bit of nutrition in. But you know that, duhh. Stay strong !

    xo
    Victoria

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