Monday, May 31, 2010

bikini body (saturday)

i tried on last year's swimsuit, a black tankini. and i looked hideous. i don't know if the suit shrank or faded or what the hell happened, but there was no way in hell i was wearing that to the lake.
 
i texted my grandma, asking her to take me shopping for a new suit before we left for the lake; i had a kohl's gift card and everything. i figured i would have a few days to fast and slim down slightly before facing the horrors of swimsuit shopping. but no. she wanted to go RIGHT THEN.
 
the freaking out set in. twenty minutes later my grandma showed up and i had to keep my cool. we got to kohl's and headed straight for the swimsuits. walking over there, i was nervous. i thought i'd look disgusting in everything. but then something sparked. i thought, "hell, i've lost 30lbs since last summer, maybe i can try a bikini..."
 
i grabbed a ton of tops and bottoms and locked myself in the dressing room. when i put the first combo on, something amazing happened: it looked GOOD. for the first time since 1st grade, i could pull off a bikini. i sent a picture to a couple of my friends to make sure i wasn't just hoping it looked good. my second and third opinions agreed: i could pull it off.
 
my confidence has skyrocketed. running on empty yet again, i'm determined to kick this 144 plateau right in the ass. can i lose 4lbs before vacation and make it to the 130s? i think it's worth a shot :)
 
happy summer ladies! let's make it a thin one!
xoxoNikkioxox


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Wednesday, May 26, 2010

"i need you to know, i'm not through the night, some days i'm still fighting to walk towards the light..."

jay... god. this is the last week of school and yesterday was my last day to see him. for some reason (maybe because he realized that too?) he started getting very touchy feely in his flirting with me. at lunch yesterday he kept tickling me, grabbing me, pulling me to him. at one point he wrapped me in a hug and then tickle-tackled me to the floor. i'm a sucker for the ones who make me laugh. he jokes (or maybe he's not joking) about having sex with me. when we parted ways after lunch yesterday his last words were: "let me know if you and molly ever break up again!" with a smile and a wink. joking? serious? a little of both? in the past couple days my feelings for him that were once dormant have now skyrocketed. and because i'm already so used to lying to molly, i am tempted. there's just this insatiable urge in me to throw myself at him. maybe it's because i havent seen molly in 2 weeks. maybe it's because i'm a thrill junkie. maybe it's because i'm a control junkie, and i defy people just to feel like something is in my hands for once. maybe i just want to know who i am. or maybe i'm just a bitch who's about to cheat on her girlfriend.

on top of this, i have suffered through headaches and hunger for days and only lost one measley pound. sick of throwing up, i kept the lunch today that i ate with my grandma, swearing to myself it would be the only thing i eat until this weekend. i wanted to be in the 130s by summer but i doubt i can lose 4lbs in a day; that's just unrealistic. i've lost the fire and hit rock bottom, swinging from one nervous breakdown to the next. i feel so alone. whenever i get into conversations with people and start talking about my friends, i realize i really don't have any friends. sure, there's people i talk to, but the only people i could actually say i have a significant relationship with are zack and my friend adam, who is in college in illinois so i never see him.

have you ever just wanted to be noticed? for someone to realize that something is wrong. for someone to see past the brick wall you put up to the fragile thing inside that is the real you. i keep having these dreams that i am blue and bones, a crumpled heap on the floor in the middle of a crowd. and no one stops to help me. i feel weak. and i just want someone to pick me up and hold me and let me collapse into them so i don't collapse into myself. maybe that's why i'm so determined to be bone thin. so there's nothing to hide the fact that something is wrong.

i probably won't be able to post again until after i get back from vacation. something needs to happen between now and then, some kick in the ass to get me back on the fast track to starvation. otherwise i'm going to pig out through the whole vacation and come back fat as ever.

139. 139. 139. please. just give me that. 139....

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

the story of a girl

the first time she stopped eating was during high school. a cheerleader, she wanted to look her best. the former target of teasing, she wanted to prove them wrong. the girl who got cheated on all the time by her long time boyfriend, she wanted to be the only thing he wanted. she kept her weight relatively healthy through unhealthy methods. she'd drink one pepsi a day and go to mcdonald's once a week as a reward for her hard work.

flash forward to age 18. fresh out of high school, with a freshly broken heart. the man she was in love with just didn't want to be with her anymore. for three months he was gone from her life. in those three months, she ate once every 3 weeks, if that. she exercised 7 times a day: once in the morning walking from the parking lot to the twelfth floor where she worked, five times running up and down the steps with her coworker (her partner in crime), and a two hour walk nightly with her friend. at 5'2", she spiraled from 135lbs to 98lbs. one day, he called her, out of the blue. checking up. she hung up a few minutes later, and within twenty seconds her phone was ringing. he asked if he could see her. she said she didn't think that was a good idea. he convinced her anyway, and they met at a park. as soon as he saw what she had become without him, he begged for her to take him back. later that day they were engaged by a ring made out of a bread tie. within a week, he bought her a ring. two weeks later, he said he feared they were rushing things.

at 20, she got pregnant. he left her again, out of fear. he was just a boy, too young to handle a baby. but once her daughter was born he came back. distracted by her child, she didn't worry about her weight as she gained and gained. but eventually, those old thoughts would come creeping back.

now, age 38, she tells her daughter this story. gloating, egging her on, practically saying, "aren't you jealous you're not that strong?" nikki listens with quiet nods.

am i sensing a challenge?


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Saturday, May 15, 2010

secrets spilled and kept

secret spilled: i spent the night at molly's last night. she said she wanted to vent to me, so we went outside and sat on her porch. she was quiet, said she didn't know where to start. finally she said it: "i really like sarah." i was speechless. i guess i should have seen it coming. she has kissed sarah twice, once while we were in an open relationship, and once last time we broke up. sarah's not interested because she doesn't want to be with a girl younger than her, but still. molly has feelings for someone else. "it's her personality," she said. "if you met her you'd understand." two hours later i met her, and as i saw her collossal hips and tiny head, heard her speak in a mix of black and southern accents (she's white), i did not understand.

secret spilled: i admitted a bit about jay. just a little, i held a lot of it back. i didn't tell her how much i liked him, how i was willing to go out with him last time we broke up. i told her that zack talked to him and he said he wasn't interested (truth) and left it at that. i can't help wondering though, that if i held back my confessions, what are the chances that molly did too?

secret kept: this girl tara likes me. i'm sure of it. she admitted she "used to" but it's obvious she still does. and i'm starting to get a little bit of feelings for her. molly specifically told both of us NOT to do anything. what she doesn't know wouldn't hurt her? am i really gonna cheat again? tara wants to hang out next weekend, and i'm probably going to go. i'm debating whether to do something. or ask for an open relationship so i can do something without breaking any rules. i get along with her really well, and she's fun to flirt with, but we're so set up to be best friends and i don't want to ruin that. she just really gets me, in ways that most people don't. she picked me up from molly's today to take me to our school carnival and as soon as i saw her the first thought in my mind was that she looked, well, hot. her hair was down and curly instead of the usual flat-ironed ponytail. i just don't know.

secret kept: when me and molly were outside pouring confessions, i wanted so badly to tell her about my eating disorder. she knows i'm "dieting," but she doesn't know how extreme it is. sometimes i just want to be the helpless being helped. i envision being a pile of brittle bones, and she would pick up my sad shivering body and hold me to keep me warm, feeding me meager triumphs by the spoonful. at the same time, i know she wouldn't understand.

secret spilled: i introduced zack to the world of pro ana. we were talking about how sometimes having a defined "thing wrong with you" gives you that sense of connection and otherstanding with other people with the same problem. and i told him i understood, and that that sense of community is why i "used to" go on pro ana sites. he was not judgemental as i tried to explain my culture. i told him i still look at thinspo, still talk to a few of my ana text buddies, that i "used to" run a blog. he wasn't angry, disgusted, or horrified. i even showed him Pretty Thin. his reaction? he wanted innocent clarification. understanding. it's things like that, they remind me just why he's my best friend.

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Rx


i popped ritalin again last night. even though last time after i got so dehydrated i swore i never would. 2 pills down the hatch after puking my guts out into a walmart bag. i laid in bed studying biology with my jaw clenched, teeth grinding. i couldn't focus on anything. all i could think the whole time i was in this horrid high was, "at least this will help me lose." ritalin is a stimulant, same drug family as caffeine. stimulant --> energy --> burning calories --> losing weight.

i woke up this morning two pounds lighter than yesterday, that familiar dizziness and headache welcomed back home by my growling stomach. coffee, some carrots, and a single bite of dinner is all i've had so far for the day. if i'm hungry at home, i'm allowed only lettuce. i keep telling myself, just one more day. just one more day, nikki.

but as i walked with pride in the feeling of my schoolbooks resting my struggling-to-surface hipbones, i asked myself: is 2lbs worth it? worth risking addiction? worth not being able to finally, desperately drift into sleep at 2 am? worth a high i don't even enjoy? i don't know why i even took the pills from the medicine cabinet in the first place. i don't know why i decided to swallow them. if i'm doing drugs that i know i don't like, what does that say about me? i can't do this again...

i told myself a long time ago that cigarrettes, weed and booze was the limit. pills are past that limit. ana drug me over that line. the worst part is, i took her hand and followed without protest.

i love you, ana. i gave my life to you. but i am an ana, not a pill-popper.

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

let the games begin

i am back at a fat 148.5 as of yesterday. this morning, i didn't even want to look at the scale. i told myself i would "be good" at the weekend retreat. but i wasn't. i wasn't good at all.

i've been noticing things lately. my mom's bought herself a case of slimfast and has been eating salad lately. and bragging about it. she's the queen of crash diets when she gets up the motivation to do it. and i think after popping out a baby, she's getting that motivation back.

i can't lose.

even though she's trying to sabotage me, buying sweets and chips i didn't ask for, etc,, i can't lose. i can throw it right back at her. today, i tempted her into eating a frozen pizza with all the trimmings. and what did she do while she was waiting for that pizza? snacked on some junk food once she saw me get out a rice crispy treat. that rice crispy treat is still laying on the counter. my mom ate at least 800 calories while i haven't passed 30 for the whole day.

this is how you win the game.

she's not going to win this time. she's not going to fatten me up to make herself feel better. this is 3 against 1, bitch. you against me, ana and mia. you have no chance.

i'm holding all the cards.

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox


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Thursday, May 6, 2010

concern

i sat down at lunch with my head spinning, my throat still swollen from last night, from continuing to make myself gag even after i knew fully well that my stomach was empty. i just tried to look normal.
 
zack came sat down at the table after getting his food, fries and a side salad (our school's definition of a "salad" is a little bit of lettuce in a small styrofoam bowl - doesn't that sound worth the 75 cents zack paid for it?). as he popped open the little plastic cup of cheese to dip his fries in - which i was staring at, like any food i saw today - he said, "i don't think i want this." he held it out to me and asked if i did. we stared eachother down, his eyes begging, "please eat," and mine begging, "please don't make me eat..." shelby, sitting between us, unaware of the silent arguement ensueing on either side of her, piped up, "i'll take it! just gotta get some dressing." she and jay left to get some ranch, planning to split it. zack slid over on the bench to talk to me, softly so liz and dave wouldn't hear across the table.
 
"you haven't eaten in four days," he said. "you need to get food in you. your body needs food." i sat, silent, unable to look at him. i felt like i was going to cry. i wanted so badly just to go get a sandwich like any normal high schooler, but i couldn't bring myself to it. the hunger in me and the ana in me battled. but the end result: stick to the plan, just one more day. just be good today. zack continued to try to convince me to eat.
 
shelby and jay returned to the table and dug into the little salad, dipping each piece of crunchy green lettuce into the cup of creamy ranch like chips into dip. i wanted so badly to just have a taste. i was staring, and shelby noticed. "are you okay?" she asked me. "yeah," i said. "just tired." she asked if i wanted some, and i politely declined. my heart racing, i realized, she could be onto me.
 
i took the slimfast out of my purse that has been nestled at the bottom all week. a prop. i took a few sips. my tongue loved the sweet chocolate sensation. i threw the can away before it was even a third of the way empty.
 
those eyes are haunting me. the sad concerned eyes of a friend.
 
stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox


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Tuesday, May 4, 2010

conflict

after hitting a plateau after weeks of restricting, i finally completed a successful fast yesterday. i woke up this morning two pounds lighter and adjusted my belt accordingly. as i drank my black coffee shivering in the warm morning air i felt on top of the world. i took my usual seat in the hallway by the band room and turned my ipod to "world war me" by from first to last. "starve down to the bone, we're looking better bony, who needs figure anyway? stay with me, stay with me..." as the music poured into my ears i felt myself draining away, letting myself succumb to it. this other world, this secret life of mine, i realized, is not just a part of me, it is me. i comforted myself in this fact. i was snoozing in ana's bony embrace.
 
but then a realization struck me.
 
i felt my entire body tense as the tears surged behind my eyelids, shrieking pleas for escape. i ran to the bathroom away from observers. i had forgotten. i'd completely forgotten. the weekend retreat...
 
i'm going to have to eat.
 
friday after school until saturday afternoon, i'll be away from my family and school life and cell phone on a weekend retreat. there's no doubt that i'll have to face 3 meals (dinner friday, breakfast and lunch saturday), and an unforseeable amout of snacks. there's going to be temptation everywhere. and if i don't eat like a "normal" person, molly's friends will put me on red alert, especially the one who i know for a fact used to have an eating disorder herself. 
 
in psychology, we call this an an avoidance-avoidance conflict. each option in a choice is equally undesirable. my options: get fat, or get caught.
 
stay strong, think thin, live ana (the mantra i'll no doubt be repeating for the next 3 days as i fast to make up for what's to come)
xoxoNikkioxox


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