Thursday, April 29, 2010

sunshine, love life, my mother

first order of business, i'd like to thank Sun-Lit for my sunshine award! it really gave me a confidence boost to know i had a big enough fan to give me an award. one of the best things about the pro-ana movement is the sense of community and unconditional support you get within this secret world. even if i went pro-recovery (which is not happening anytime soon haha), i know i'd still have all my fellow ana's right there no matter how alone i felt. so here are my nominees:

*A.Stone from Corrupted Fairytale. I love this blog. A.Stone is a very talented writer who always looks at ana from a unique perspective. I read all her posts in one night a while back and it was so thinpirational.

*Kat from Quest for Perfection: Yes, she's back! Kat is not only a talented writer with a fascinating story, but also a great friend, and great thinspiration for all.

*Blue Butterfly: The first thing I noticed when I discovered this blog was her quote in her sidebar, "Butterflies were once catapillars." She recognizes that ana involves a transformation into something beautiful, but that it takes time. She always has something interesting to say.

*Prozzy from You Can Sleep When You're Dead: Prozzy has a very blunt and sometimes dark outlook on not only the world of ana but the world of life that we all know. She's not afraid to say what needs to be said, and the shock value is often what makes her words so powerful.

*Yummy from Yummy Secrets: It's no secret that this girl has some serious talent. Along with telling her own story, she tells the story of us all through her essays about everything from public opinions of the pro-ana world to the myths and truths of popular "pro-ana tips." Her blog is informational and thinspirational.

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now that that's settled, time for the updates.

molly broke up with me (again) this past saturday. at first she said that she was going to give me all my stuff back, that this time it was for good. as soon as i got that text i cried so hard i threw up. not by my choice, by my body's. eventually the situation settled into something less extreme, and by the end of the night i found out that the reason for the breakup was that her mom is starting to crack down on her about weed, threatening to start drug testing her every week, and the stress is just too much right now to handle on top of a semi-longdistance relationship. she came over sunday, and while we were out in the garage pricing stuff for my family's yardsale this weekend, there was a moment. suddenly she grabbed me, pulled me to her, kissed me, and said, softly, "i love you, baby girl." i started to tear up and told her i loved her too.

that moment pretty much defines the situation now. it's not that we're broken up because we don't want to be together, it's just that it's too hard for us to be together right now. we're not going to date other people. she still says i love you to me, we still call eachother right when we wake up and right before we fall asleep, and i still wake up with sweet texts from her that she sent in the middle of the night. everything's  just toned down. it's not ideal, but i'd rather have this than try to "just be friends," or be cut off from her completely. yeah, it still hurts when she hangs up the phone without saying she loves me. yeah, it still hurts seeing her without her ring on that i gave her. and yeah, it's gonna hurt for a while, but i know it'll be okay. with time.

as far as ana goes, it's needless to say that when molly dumped me i turned to mia to release emotional tension. there's a few ziplock bags hidden in my closet from the weekend that need to be snuck out to the trash can. but since things got better, i've turned away from mia and back to ana's embrace. i've taken to a routine of morning coffee, mid-morning celery, and slimfast dinners. it's worked rather well, and people are starting to comment that i look thinner. my size 11 jeans are starting to fit a bit loosely, and yesterday i tried on a flannel shirt that i used to not even be able to button all the way. it fit me perfectly.

my mom started accusing me of skipping dinner last week. the odd thing was, i'd eaten salad or a 100 cal frozen meal every night that week that i'd been home. so as far as she knew, i was eating normally for a person on a (healthy) diet. i figured out that it's not so much actual suspicion, as trying to stop me. she's jealous. if people at school are noticing my slimming figure, surely she has too. and while i've been shrinking, she's only been widening. and since my mom believes that the world revolves around her, this simply can't go on. she bragged one day last week that all she'd eaten all day was a can of corn, and the next day accused me of starving myself. when i said i didn't starve myself, it wasn't a complete lie. i'd been eating some. but do you see the hypocrisy here? how fucked up is it that losing weight is just a game to her? against her own daughter? she is the most egocentric person i have ever met.

i love the feeling of my clothes getting looser. in a twisted way, i love the constant feeling of cold when everyone around me is either warm or content. i love that i'm winning. i feel like i have found my niche in the ana world. fasting is hard, mia is wrong, but restricting provides the perfect balance, and more control.

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

P.S: In case you skimmed over it, Kat's back!!! http://katproanaquest.blogspot.com/

and, check out my pro-ana site! http://letters-from-ana.webs.com/

1 comment:

  1. Hey sweet, thankyou so much for the nominee on the sunshine award!! You really made my day,

    Be strong, even though there are so many things you can't control, like your mother and Molly.

    Love,

    ReplyDelete

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