first of all, i miss blogging! ever since i've been stuck at home all the time i never get to log on, which sucks. my weight's been fluctuating and i am currently at 150. disgusting. all the stressors piling up in my life have been just getting to me. i can't completely blame that though, because i have had my cave-moments where i just lose it and eat, eat, eat...
i've also come to face a major conflict.
i realize my relationship with molly isn't perfect. hell, it's a roller coaster, and sometimes she can treat me pretty shitty. but then there's the times between the hard times, those perfect moments and sweet words exchanged.
and then there's jay.
jay makes me laugh. and lately he's been more openly flirtatious. the other day he told me he had a sex dream about me over the weekend (in his not-creepy, jay-y way, trust me), told me i had a nice ass, and then said something that just stuck: "you know the only reason you won't give guys a chance is cuz all the ones you dated before were total douschbags to you." the next day he brought that up again, and said, carefully: "you need to date someone who actually cares about you." i was tempted to say, "like who? you?"
i don't know if i like HIM, or the attention i get from him, or the thrill of defying my always-jealous gf behind her back, if i actually believe he can give me something better... i kinda do wanna try things with him. just to figure myself out, see if i still like guys or if i'm a full-out lesbian. because i don't know. and i don't know how to figure it out.
i guess if i figured out with a little more certainty that he was interested, i could tell molly i wanted an "open relationship" again. on one hand, that's only fair, because she's done that to me countless times, and i actually have a good reason to back me up (who the hell am i?). on the other, i know it would hurt her. and when i went back to molly it would just hurt jay too.
but why would he want big fat me anyway?
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