Wednesday, April 14, 2010

i don't know where to begin

first of all, i miss blogging! ever since i've been stuck at home all the time i never get to log on, which sucks. my weight's been fluctuating and i am currently at 150. disgusting. all the stressors piling up in my life have been just getting to me. i can't completely blame that though, because i have had my cave-moments where i just lose it and eat, eat, eat...

i've also come to face a major conflict.

i realize my relationship with molly isn't perfect. hell, it's a roller coaster, and sometimes she can treat me pretty shitty. but then there's the times between the hard times, those perfect moments and sweet words exchanged.

and then there's jay.

jay makes me laugh. and lately he's been more openly flirtatious. the other day he told me he had a sex dream about me over the weekend (in his not-creepy, jay-y way, trust me), told me i had a nice ass, and then said something that just stuck: "you know the only reason you won't give guys a chance is cuz all the ones you dated before were total douschbags to you." the next day he brought that up again, and said, carefully: "you need to date someone who actually cares about you." i was tempted to say, "like who? you?"

i don't know if i like HIM, or the attention i get from him, or the thrill of defying my always-jealous gf behind her back, if i actually believe he can give me something better... i kinda do wanna try things with him. just to figure myself out, see if i still like guys or if i'm a full-out lesbian. because i don't know. and i don't know how to figure it out.

i guess if i figured out with a little more certainty that he was interested, i could tell molly i wanted an "open relationship" again. on one hand, that's only fair, because she's done that to me countless times, and i actually have a good reason to back me up (who the hell am i?). on the other, i know it would hurt her. and when i went back to molly it would just hurt jay too.

but why would he want big fat me anyway?

xoxoNikkioxox


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3 comments:

  1. Hun don't fret!!!! You can get back on track in no time, I follow this blog and each post she writes about thinspirational things like 'For god sake spit chew the cookie but spit the damn thing out!' her words are amazing when you're going through that tough time. http://starvingtobeperfect.blogspot.com/

    As for the Jay and Molly thing take things slowly see if you actually have feelings for him before you make any decisions about your relationship as Molly well. This is gona sound reaally bad but sometime the people who hurt us most are the ones that care the most(NOT ALWAYS TRUE but from your previous posts I'd say thats the case between you and Molly) Good luck sweetie, with everything and remember we're always here for you!!!!<3

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  2. Youve been nominated for the Sunshine Award :)
    Check out my blog for details
    Love Sun-lit~
    xx

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  3. Because there is more than the body ;)

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