Thursday, April 29, 2010

sunshine, love life, my mother

first order of business, i'd like to thank Sun-Lit for my sunshine award! it really gave me a confidence boost to know i had a big enough fan to give me an award. one of the best things about the pro-ana movement is the sense of community and unconditional support you get within this secret world. even if i went pro-recovery (which is not happening anytime soon haha), i know i'd still have all my fellow ana's right there no matter how alone i felt. so here are my nominees:

*A.Stone from Corrupted Fairytale. I love this blog. A.Stone is a very talented writer who always looks at ana from a unique perspective. I read all her posts in one night a while back and it was so thinpirational.

*Kat from Quest for Perfection: Yes, she's back! Kat is not only a talented writer with a fascinating story, but also a great friend, and great thinspiration for all.

*Blue Butterfly: The first thing I noticed when I discovered this blog was her quote in her sidebar, "Butterflies were once catapillars." She recognizes that ana involves a transformation into something beautiful, but that it takes time. She always has something interesting to say.

*Prozzy from You Can Sleep When You're Dead: Prozzy has a very blunt and sometimes dark outlook on not only the world of ana but the world of life that we all know. She's not afraid to say what needs to be said, and the shock value is often what makes her words so powerful.

*Yummy from Yummy Secrets: It's no secret that this girl has some serious talent. Along with telling her own story, she tells the story of us all through her essays about everything from public opinions of the pro-ana world to the myths and truths of popular "pro-ana tips." Her blog is informational and thinspirational.

***

now that that's settled, time for the updates.

molly broke up with me (again) this past saturday. at first she said that she was going to give me all my stuff back, that this time it was for good. as soon as i got that text i cried so hard i threw up. not by my choice, by my body's. eventually the situation settled into something less extreme, and by the end of the night i found out that the reason for the breakup was that her mom is starting to crack down on her about weed, threatening to start drug testing her every week, and the stress is just too much right now to handle on top of a semi-longdistance relationship. she came over sunday, and while we were out in the garage pricing stuff for my family's yardsale this weekend, there was a moment. suddenly she grabbed me, pulled me to her, kissed me, and said, softly, "i love you, baby girl." i started to tear up and told her i loved her too.

that moment pretty much defines the situation now. it's not that we're broken up because we don't want to be together, it's just that it's too hard for us to be together right now. we're not going to date other people. she still says i love you to me, we still call eachother right when we wake up and right before we fall asleep, and i still wake up with sweet texts from her that she sent in the middle of the night. everything's  just toned down. it's not ideal, but i'd rather have this than try to "just be friends," or be cut off from her completely. yeah, it still hurts when she hangs up the phone without saying she loves me. yeah, it still hurts seeing her without her ring on that i gave her. and yeah, it's gonna hurt for a while, but i know it'll be okay. with time.

as far as ana goes, it's needless to say that when molly dumped me i turned to mia to release emotional tension. there's a few ziplock bags hidden in my closet from the weekend that need to be snuck out to the trash can. but since things got better, i've turned away from mia and back to ana's embrace. i've taken to a routine of morning coffee, mid-morning celery, and slimfast dinners. it's worked rather well, and people are starting to comment that i look thinner. my size 11 jeans are starting to fit a bit loosely, and yesterday i tried on a flannel shirt that i used to not even be able to button all the way. it fit me perfectly.

my mom started accusing me of skipping dinner last week. the odd thing was, i'd eaten salad or a 100 cal frozen meal every night that week that i'd been home. so as far as she knew, i was eating normally for a person on a (healthy) diet. i figured out that it's not so much actual suspicion, as trying to stop me. she's jealous. if people at school are noticing my slimming figure, surely she has too. and while i've been shrinking, she's only been widening. and since my mom believes that the world revolves around her, this simply can't go on. she bragged one day last week that all she'd eaten all day was a can of corn, and the next day accused me of starving myself. when i said i didn't starve myself, it wasn't a complete lie. i'd been eating some. but do you see the hypocrisy here? how fucked up is it that losing weight is just a game to her? against her own daughter? she is the most egocentric person i have ever met.

i love the feeling of my clothes getting looser. in a twisted way, i love the constant feeling of cold when everyone around me is either warm or content. i love that i'm winning. i feel like i have found my niche in the ana world. fasting is hard, mia is wrong, but restricting provides the perfect balance, and more control.

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

P.S: In case you skimmed over it, Kat's back!!! http://katproanaquest.blogspot.com/

and, check out my pro-ana site! http://letters-from-ana.webs.com/

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

i don't know where to begin

first of all, i miss blogging! ever since i've been stuck at home all the time i never get to log on, which sucks. my weight's been fluctuating and i am currently at 150. disgusting. all the stressors piling up in my life have been just getting to me. i can't completely blame that though, because i have had my cave-moments where i just lose it and eat, eat, eat...

i've also come to face a major conflict.

i realize my relationship with molly isn't perfect. hell, it's a roller coaster, and sometimes she can treat me pretty shitty. but then there's the times between the hard times, those perfect moments and sweet words exchanged.

and then there's jay.

jay makes me laugh. and lately he's been more openly flirtatious. the other day he told me he had a sex dream about me over the weekend (in his not-creepy, jay-y way, trust me), told me i had a nice ass, and then said something that just stuck: "you know the only reason you won't give guys a chance is cuz all the ones you dated before were total douschbags to you." the next day he brought that up again, and said, carefully: "you need to date someone who actually cares about you." i was tempted to say, "like who? you?"

i don't know if i like HIM, or the attention i get from him, or the thrill of defying my always-jealous gf behind her back, if i actually believe he can give me something better... i kinda do wanna try things with him. just to figure myself out, see if i still like guys or if i'm a full-out lesbian. because i don't know. and i don't know how to figure it out.

i guess if i figured out with a little more certainty that he was interested, i could tell molly i wanted an "open relationship" again. on one hand, that's only fair, because she's done that to me countless times, and i actually have a good reason to back me up (who the hell am i?). on the other, i know it would hurt her. and when i went back to molly it would just hurt jay too.

but why would he want big fat me anyway?

xoxoNikkioxox


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