yesterday, molly came to see me. a surprise for our year and three month mark. i snuck out onto the porch and we spent a few minutes together before i had to go back inside before i got caught. she gave me 15 kisses before she left, one for every month we've been together.
a few hours later, things went downhill, completely out of the blue. she started saying that we didn't see eachother enough, she was starting to lose feelings for me, and that i should break up with her. when i refused, she did it herself. all over text.
i got home and spent the rest of the night crying and waiting by the phone. i came really close to cutting myself, but my promise to her i wouldn't do anything stupid kept me from doing it. i've been nauseous since i woke up. i have only gotten out of bed to take a shower and check this post. i finally talked to her on the phone earlier and she said this won't last forever, just til we can see eachother more. but neither of us have cars, we go to different schools, and she has soccer every day. when are we going to be able to start seeing eachother all the time? i'm dying inside. every time she doesn't text me back, every time i get a "bye" on the phone instead of "i love you," it kills me. last night she was high and she still called me "baby," as if she'd forgotten i wasn't her "baby" anymore. if it won't last forever, when's it going to end? and how will i hold out til then? when i don't even have the will to drink water?
tomorrow morning i'm leaving to go on vacation with my grandparents. just me and them at their lake house for four days. i'm going to have to hide my emotions and hold back my tears the whole time. 3 big homecooked meals a day is not going to go well considering i have been consuming less than 200 calories a day for the past week and now i can't even look at food without my stomach churning.
everything happened so fast and out of the blue. just when i needed her the most, she's gone. and i'm left standing in the dark. alone. unwanted.
i am trash.
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