monday i left for vacation with my grandparents. molly was pretty much avoiding talking to me and just saying hurtful things in general when we did talk, acting as if we might not get back together for years, if ever. needless to say i was very upset. i became suicidal. think about it. my mom hates me, my dad thinks i'm just a stupid dyke and he'll never accept me, and now the only person who ever made me feel wanted on this earth had left me out of the blue. theres a tall deck on the back of the house with a 2 story drop into a steep hill. if i didn't still love molly so much, i swear i probably would have jumped.
but things got better a couple days later. wednesday afternoon i set my facebook status to lyrics from bethany dillon's song, "beautiful": "i wanna be beautiful, make you stand in awe, look inside my heart, and be amazed, i long to hear you say, who i am is quite enough, wanna be worthy of love and beautiful..." a few minutes later molly commented: "you are BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!!! and loved =)" i texted her.
me: am i really?
her: yes nikki.
me: i don't feel like i am..
her: why? have i not shown you enough?
me: you've shown me plenty of times before.. it's just hard to see lately..
she went on to tell me i was beautiful and an amazing, girl, and: "let's just say this is a long break okay? i'm coming back for you. i swear i am. let's just wait for shit to settle."
my ray of hope arrived. ever since then i've felt so much better, even seeing the positives in this. we'll appreciate each other more when this is over, and it'll give me a chance to explore myself and really figure out who i am. speaking of this lack of identity, whenever i have time i'm going to write a post about how i think i have borderline personality disorder. (coming soon!)
in ana news, i have a delightful story. thursday my gma took me to the mall. we walked into deb and i decided to try on a pair of size 13 jeans, just for the hell of it. normally, i'd be stuck in a massive size 15. i went in the dressing room and tried the jeans on. THEY WERE LOOSE. i threw the pants off and stuck my head out the door. "go grab a size 11!" i shrieked. "these are LOOSE!" i slid on the size 11 jeans and other than a little muffin top, perfect fit. my gma was ecstatic for me, as if i wasn't ecstatic enough for myself. i'm getting back into my celery-coffee-and-rice regime tomorrow, and can't wait to see how much more i can shrink by summer.
like i said, things are looking up. :)
stay strong, think thin, live ana
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