Saturday, March 27, 2010


yesterday started as a good day. i came to band and poured my heart out into the music, as always, which always puts me in a good mood to start the rest of the day. but during the last five minutes of class, papers got passed down our way. "uniform measurements" stared back at me from the top of the little slip. on it stood lines to fill in measurements of my arms, waist, ass and my weight. i felt the blood drain from my face.

the next hour i got pulled out of class to go to the uniform room. apparently we have to get new uniforms for marching band next year, and the band moms are taking inventory to see what sizes they need to order. i understood the reasoning perfectly well. but i doubt anyone else's thoughts were racing at the thought of being measured. someone else was about to see the thing i am ashamed of the most. weighing in at 151 that morning after struggling all week to get rid of vacation-weight, i was already an anxious mess about my size. now someone else was going to record it.

i tried to keep my composure. i talked with the band mom measuring me, trying to distract myself so i wouldn't break down. as she pulled the tape measure around various parts of my body, i mentioned to her that i might not be the same size next year. when she asked what i meant, i told her i was on a diet. the usual response ensued: "but you're fine! you're really not that big, how much are you planning to lose? it doesn't look like much more can come off of there." i was used to this. but then she said something that surprised me: "just don't get all anorexic on us. that just looks sick."


i think i'd rather be sick than fat.

still, her words were echoing in my head the rest of the day. "that just looks sick."

i want to come back next year and make the band moms struggle to find a uniform small enough to fit me. i want to be tiny. a stick figure. i need to get back on the wagon. it's starting to hit me how close summer is, and how little time i have left to lose enough to fit in a bikini. how much weight can i lose in 8 weeks? hopefully i can lose 25lbs.

stay strong, think thin, lve ana

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