i'm trying out this email-blogging thing for the first time so hopefully it works. idk when i'll be able to actually get on the blog again. my dad put a tracker on the computer, and with school and homework madness going on, i have little time for anything lately.
i can't even remember if i've blogged lately about molly, but we went through a lot of problems last weekend, but this past friday i snuck over to her house and spent the night. i was stoned off my ass for 48 hours straight (if any of you out there toke, but mountain dew in a bong, it's fuckin amazing!!), we stayed up til 5 in the morning just laying in her bed talking (and doing other things, heh heh), and i woke up in the morning knowing our relationship was just as strong as its ever been, just from sleeping in eachothers arms again.
then the weekend went downhill. me and my mom got into it. bad. it all started sunday morning when i woke her up to go pick up molly, like she'd said she would. she flipped shit on me, which is understandable cuz she'd just woken up, and i tried to just blow it off. we got in the car, and she started the attack. how i was so rude for waking her up. how i should have asked my dad. how stupid i was for not thinking of that. how selfish i was. the usual. but here was the icing on the cake: "lauren (my 8 year old sister) understands me. when i leave your dad i'll take her and the baby and you can stay with him. i can't handle you anymore." i cried in the car and she made me shut up before we went in the gas station. i couldn't believe she'd say something like that.
that night, after me and my dad dropped molly off, i tried to make amends. i asked her if she wanted to watch 2012, thinking that a movie would be a good way to reconcile because it required no talking (which means we couldn't say anything to tick eachother off). she shook her head, and with half a smile she *hmmphed* and said, "no, i'm pretty pissed of at you right now." i asked why, and she told me that it was because i'd alledgedly "kicked her out of her own living room earlier." molly was over and i really didn't want us to watch a movie with my mom, for shit's sake, i only see her once a week! the Wench wouldn't understand, or even try to understand, and just kept going and going about how rude and horrible i was and how much I had hurt HER feelings. i couldn't take it anymore. i exploded. "how dare you say i hurt YOUR feelings after what you said to me this morning!" i snapped. she asked what she'd said, and i repeated it. "no one says that to their kid," i told her. "no matter how mad they are or what the kid did, you do NOT say that to your own child. it's messed up and wrong." she told me it was all my fault she'd said it, that i was overreacting, and that i was just trying to stir a fight between her and my dad. by the end of the night, there was absolutely nothing left in my heart for her. i don't even care about her as a fellow human being anymore.
yesterday was silent, and i tried to keep today the same, but to no avail. she picked me up from school, and when i got in the car i immediately plugged in my headphones and avoided her gaze. for nearly 45 minutes (drive home + sitting at lauren's bus stop), i was just a couple feet away from her. trying to avoid her even though she was right there. when we got back to the house, she told me through the bathroom door to let the dog inside and wipe the mud off his feet. i finished in the bathroom, walked to the living room, got a towel, and wiped off his feet. no complaints, just obedience. that's what she wants right? wrong. she wants to see fear. she wants to know she's breaking you. like a panther she crouched as i walked toward the dishwasher to put away dishes, then pounced: "there were dishes with red sauce still on them in the dishwasher this morning," she barked. "either you can rinse them off, or i can do it and you can pay me a dollar." i did nothing to deserve harsh words. i was done just sitting there and taking every verbal hit she threw at me. i simply told her, "stop."
she exploded. yelling, screaming, the works. she told me i was grounded for a month and she said fine. i kept trying to hint that i didn't care what she had to say to me and that i wasn't going to argue. but then she saw her gold mine: a bruise on my arm. "where the hell did that come from?" she screeched. i told her my friend hit me, we were messing around and punching eachother. she threatened to call the school. it was from jay. i stood up for him and myself, telling her she was being irrational. "you don't threaten me anymore," i told her flatly.
she charged and grabbed my face, squeezing my cheeks and hurting my jaw. she literally screamed an inch from my face: "i am your mother! don't you ever disrespect me like that! you hear me?" "you don't scare me," i replied. "there's worse parents out there," she said. "parents who tell their kids all the time they're going to leave them, i don't hit you or anything." "go ahead," i said. "hit me if you want to. it'll get me out of here." "see?" she retorted. "that's exactly why i said i can't handle you. why i said i'd take lauren and daisy and leave you with your dad." "fine," i said. "go. just go. and then you can get charged with kidnapping and it'll all come back on you." she snorted and said, "god, you're so stupid." that's just a glimpse of the conversation.
so now i'm grounded for five weeks, filled with so much hatred towards my "mother" i don't know how to hold it all inside my body. but it's only fueling me, angry determination pulsing through my veins. i didn't eat today, and i don't plan on eating until i'm ungrounded. coffee and celery, every day. i got to a new LW friday morning of 145. after a weekend of getting stoned and getting the munchies, i'm back to 149. but with all this rage fueling the fire, i bet i can get back to 145 and thensome by the end of this week. what better to do with a month away from any socialization than fast, if the only time i really eat is when i'm with my friends? better yet, she hates it when she knows i'm getting skinnier. i can't wait to see the look on her face when i tell her i'm down a jean size, when i tell her i need new clothes because all mine are too big. she'll know i'm smarter than her, stronger than her, and have more self control than her, and it'll eat her up inside.
there's more venting and a new Psychology of Ana essay coming up, plus something completely different, so keep reading everyone. sorry this post was so long, but hopefully it had enough drama to stay interesting.
stay strong, think thin, live ana
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