Sunday, March 28, 2010

game plan

i am determined. longingly determined. i want so badly to pull on a pair of bikini bottoms and tie on a bikini top and walk across the edge of a pool in confidence. i want so badly to feel the water between my legs because my thighs no longer rub together. i want so badly to pull a towel around my skinny body and have to wrap it around me twice just to hold it up. i am longing like a girl in love longs for her soul mate. like a mother longs for her child. like a homeless person on the street longs for a hot meal.

i have set a plan in motion. i will allow myself one "coffee-ed down" cappachino and one meal under 200 cals daily. i don't care about the look on zack's face when he sees me nibbling celery at lunch. i will no longer bring my 2/3 cup of rice to please him. i used to think the 100 cals was worth his contentness. not anymore. i'm going to double my celery intake and go through 2 packages in a week, eating 2 stalks at school and 2 stalks at home. my one meal, dinner, can be anything under 200 cals that is considered "healthy." 200 cals of fiber and nutrients is a much better choice than a smaller portion of 200 cals of junk. additionally, no more "free days" when i'm with molly. i will have to eat as little as possible. i am allowed one binge per week, to be purged if the situation allows.

my tricks: a new thinspo wall, dozens of clippings and printouts of what i aspire to be (of course i gave taylor momsen her own corner haha); replacing my buttered popcorn cravings (360 cals a bag) with diet popcorn sprayed with parkay 0-cal spray (100 cals a bag); chewing gum throughout the day to avoid cravings; rewarding myself with a jolly rancher before bed every day i am good; and constantly reminding myself of the goal.

if a 52 year old man on the biggest loser can lose 30 pounds in a week, then i can sure as hell lose the same amount in 2 months.

let the games begin.

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

3 comments:

  1. I really wanne have this popcorn, too...damn it I live in Germany...

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  2. Hello :)
    Just read all your blog posts in one night! You're very inspirational I have to say. I'm not an actual blogger I just like to read other peoples to find out about other girls with the same problems as myself :)
    I see that you like your thinspo/motivational music and I recomend listening to 'walk away from the sun' by seether. I love it :)
    I wish you the best of luck with everything!

    You're beautiful!
    T
    x

    ReplyDelete
  3. You're beautiful. I remember waitressing and was the only girl there who could wrap the ties of the apron around myself twice. It's feels heavenly. It feels too good to be true. I could feel the eyes of the other girls scroll up and down my body in hatred and it empowered me. I don't need those girls as friends when I have friends like Anna. You are beautiful. Wear that bikini and be empowered by those eyes scrolling up and down your gentle waif like body :) x

    ReplyDelete

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