Sunday, March 28, 2010

game plan

i am determined. longingly determined. i want so badly to pull on a pair of bikini bottoms and tie on a bikini top and walk across the edge of a pool in confidence. i want so badly to feel the water between my legs because my thighs no longer rub together. i want so badly to pull a towel around my skinny body and have to wrap it around me twice just to hold it up. i am longing like a girl in love longs for her soul mate. like a mother longs for her child. like a homeless person on the street longs for a hot meal.

i have set a plan in motion. i will allow myself one "coffee-ed down" cappachino and one meal under 200 cals daily. i don't care about the look on zack's face when he sees me nibbling celery at lunch. i will no longer bring my 2/3 cup of rice to please him. i used to think the 100 cals was worth his contentness. not anymore. i'm going to double my celery intake and go through 2 packages in a week, eating 2 stalks at school and 2 stalks at home. my one meal, dinner, can be anything under 200 cals that is considered "healthy." 200 cals of fiber and nutrients is a much better choice than a smaller portion of 200 cals of junk. additionally, no more "free days" when i'm with molly. i will have to eat as little as possible. i am allowed one binge per week, to be purged if the situation allows.

my tricks: a new thinspo wall, dozens of clippings and printouts of what i aspire to be (of course i gave taylor momsen her own corner haha); replacing my buttered popcorn cravings (360 cals a bag) with diet popcorn sprayed with parkay 0-cal spray (100 cals a bag); chewing gum throughout the day to avoid cravings; rewarding myself with a jolly rancher before bed every day i am good; and constantly reminding myself of the goal.

if a 52 year old man on the biggest loser can lose 30 pounds in a week, then i can sure as hell lose the same amount in 2 months.

let the games begin.

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

Saturday, March 27, 2010

measurements

yesterday started as a good day. i came to band and poured my heart out into the music, as always, which always puts me in a good mood to start the rest of the day. but during the last five minutes of class, papers got passed down our way. "uniform measurements" stared back at me from the top of the little slip. on it stood lines to fill in measurements of my arms, waist, ass and my weight. i felt the blood drain from my face.

the next hour i got pulled out of class to go to the uniform room. apparently we have to get new uniforms for marching band next year, and the band moms are taking inventory to see what sizes they need to order. i understood the reasoning perfectly well. but i doubt anyone else's thoughts were racing at the thought of being measured. someone else was about to see the thing i am ashamed of the most. weighing in at 151 that morning after struggling all week to get rid of vacation-weight, i was already an anxious mess about my size. now someone else was going to record it.

i tried to keep my composure. i talked with the band mom measuring me, trying to distract myself so i wouldn't break down. as she pulled the tape measure around various parts of my body, i mentioned to her that i might not be the same size next year. when she asked what i meant, i told her i was on a diet. the usual response ensued: "but you're fine! you're really not that big, how much are you planning to lose? it doesn't look like much more can come off of there." i was used to this. but then she said something that surprised me: "just don't get all anorexic on us. that just looks sick."

sick?

i think i'd rather be sick than fat.

still, her words were echoing in my head the rest of the day. "that just looks sick."

i want to come back next year and make the band moms struggle to find a uniform small enough to fit me. i want to be tiny. a stick figure. i need to get back on the wagon. it's starting to hit me how close summer is, and how little time i have left to lose enough to fit in a bikini. how much weight can i lose in 8 weeks? hopefully i can lose 25lbs.

stay strong, think thin, lve ana
xoxoNikkioxox


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Saturday, March 20, 2010

things are looking up!

monday i left for vacation with my grandparents. molly was pretty much avoiding talking to me and just saying hurtful things in general when we did talk, acting as if we might not get back together for years, if ever. needless to say i was very upset. i became suicidal. think about it. my mom hates me, my dad thinks i'm just a stupid dyke and he'll never accept me, and now the only person who ever made me feel wanted on this earth had left me out of the blue. theres a tall deck on the back of the house with a 2 story drop into a steep hill. if i didn't still love molly so much, i swear i probably would have jumped.

but things got better a couple days later. wednesday afternoon i set my facebook status to lyrics from bethany dillon's song, "beautiful": "i wanna be beautiful, make you stand in awe, look inside my heart, and be amazed, i long to hear you say, who i am is quite enough, wanna be worthy of love and beautiful..." a few minutes later molly commented: "you are BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!!! and loved =)" i texted her.

me: am i really?
her: yes nikki.
me: i don't feel like i am..
her: why? have i not shown you enough?
me: you've shown me plenty of times before.. it's just hard to see lately..

she went on to tell me i was beautiful and an amazing, girl, and: "let's just say this is a long break okay? i'm coming back for you. i swear i am. let's just wait for shit to settle."

my ray of hope arrived. ever since then i've felt so much better, even seeing the positives in this. we'll appreciate each other more when this is over, and it'll give me a chance to explore myself and really figure out who i am. speaking of this lack of identity, whenever i have time i'm going to write a post about how i think i have borderline personality disorder. (coming soon!)

in ana news, i have a delightful story. thursday my gma took me to the mall. we walked into deb and i decided to try on a pair of size 13 jeans, just for the hell of it. normally, i'd be stuck in a massive size 15. i went in the dressing room and tried the jeans on. THEY WERE LOOSE. i threw the pants off and stuck my head out the door. "go grab a size 11!" i shrieked. "these are LOOSE!" i slid on the size 11 jeans and other than a little muffin top, perfect fit. my gma was ecstatic for me, as if i wasn't ecstatic enough for myself. i'm getting back into my celery-coffee-and-rice regime tomorrow, and can't wait to see how much more i can shrink by summer.

like i said, things are looking up. :)

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox


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Sunday, March 14, 2010

</3

yesterday, molly came to see me. a surprise for our year and three month mark. i snuck out onto the porch and we spent a few minutes together before i had to go back inside before i got caught. she gave me 15 kisses before she left, one for every month we've been together.

a few hours later, things went downhill, completely out of the blue. she started saying that we didn't see eachother enough, she was starting to lose feelings for me, and that i should break up with her. when i refused, she did it herself. all over text.

i got home and spent the rest of the night crying and waiting by the phone. i came really close to cutting myself, but my promise to her i wouldn't do anything stupid kept me from doing it. i've been nauseous since i woke up. i have only gotten out of bed to take a shower and check this post. i finally talked to her on the phone earlier and she said this won't last forever, just til we can see eachother more. but neither of us have cars, we go to different schools, and she has soccer every day. when are we going to be able to start seeing eachother all the time? i'm dying inside. every time she doesn't text me back, every time i get a "bye" on the phone instead of "i love you," it kills me. last night she was high and she still called me "baby," as if she'd forgotten i wasn't her "baby" anymore. if it won't last forever, when's it going to end? and how will i hold out til then? when i don't even have the will to drink water?

tomorrow morning i'm leaving to go on vacation with my grandparents. just me and them at their lake house for four days. i'm going to have to hide my emotions and hold back my tears the whole time. 3 big homecooked meals a day is not going to go well considering i have been consuming less than 200 calories a day for the past week and now i can't even look at food without my stomach churning.

everything happened so fast and out of the blue. just when i needed her the most, she's gone. and i'm left standing in the dark. alone. unwanted.

i am trash.


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Tuesday, March 9, 2010

i no longer have a mother.

i'm trying out this email-blogging thing for the first time so hopefully it works. idk when i'll be able to actually get on the blog again. my dad put a tracker on the computer, and with school and homework madness going on, i have little time for anything lately.

i can't even remember if i've blogged lately about molly, but we went through a lot of problems last weekend, but this past friday i snuck over to her house and spent the night. i was stoned off my ass for 48 hours straight (if any of you out there toke, but mountain dew in a bong, it's fuckin amazing!!), we stayed up til 5 in the morning just laying in her bed talking (and doing other things, heh heh), and i woke up in the morning knowing our relationship was just as strong as its ever been, just from sleeping in eachothers arms again.

then the weekend went downhill. me and my mom got into it. bad. it all started sunday morning when i woke her up to go pick up molly, like she'd said she would. she flipped shit on me, which is understandable cuz she'd just woken up, and i tried to just blow it off. we got in the car, and she started the attack. how i was so rude for waking her up. how i should have asked my dad. how stupid i was for not thinking of that. how selfish i was. the usual. but here was the icing on the cake: "lauren (my 8 year old sister) understands me. when i leave your dad i'll take her and the baby and you can stay with him. i can't handle you anymore." i cried in the car and she made me shut up before we went in the gas station. i couldn't believe she'd say something like that.

that night, after me and my dad dropped molly off, i tried to make amends. i asked her if she wanted to watch 2012, thinking that a movie would be a good way to reconcile because it required no talking (which means we couldn't say anything to tick eachother off). she shook her head, and with half a smile she *hmmphed* and said, "no, i'm pretty pissed of at you right now." i asked why, and she told me that it was because i'd alledgedly "kicked her out of her own living room earlier." molly was over and i really didn't want us to watch a movie with my mom, for shit's sake, i only see her once a week! the Wench wouldn't understand, or even try to understand, and just kept going and going about how rude and horrible i was and how much I had hurt HER feelings. i couldn't take it anymore. i exploded. "how dare you say i hurt YOUR feelings after what you said to me this morning!" i snapped. she asked what she'd said, and i repeated it. "no one says that to their kid," i told her. "no matter how mad they are or what the kid did, you do NOT say that to your own child. it's messed up and wrong." she told me it was all my fault she'd said it, that i was overreacting, and that i was just trying to stir a fight between her and my dad. by the end of the night, there was absolutely nothing left in my heart for her. i don't even care about her as a fellow human being anymore.

yesterday was silent, and i tried to keep today the same, but to no avail. she picked me up from school, and when i got in the car i immediately plugged in my headphones and avoided her gaze. for nearly 45 minutes (drive home + sitting at lauren's bus stop), i was just a couple feet away from her. trying to avoid her even though she was right there. when we got back to the house, she told me through the bathroom door to let the dog inside and wipe the mud off his feet. i finished in the bathroom, walked to the living room, got a towel, and wiped off his feet. no complaints, just obedience. that's what she wants right? wrong. she wants to see fear. she wants to know she's breaking you. like a panther she crouched as i walked toward the dishwasher to put away dishes, then pounced: "there were dishes with red sauce still on them in the dishwasher this morning," she barked. "either you can rinse them off, or i can do it and you can pay me a dollar." i did nothing to deserve harsh words. i was done just sitting there and taking every verbal hit she threw at me. i simply told her, "stop."

she exploded. yelling, screaming, the works. she told me i was grounded for a month and she said fine. i kept trying to hint that i didn't care what she had to say to me and that i wasn't going to argue. but then she saw her gold mine: a bruise on my arm. "where the hell did that come from?" she screeched. i told her my friend hit me, we were messing around and punching eachother. she threatened to call the school. it was from jay. i stood up for him and myself, telling her she was being irrational. "you don't threaten me anymore," i told her flatly.

she charged and grabbed my face, squeezing my cheeks and hurting my jaw. she literally screamed an inch from my face: "i am your mother! don't you ever disrespect me like that! you hear me?" "you don't scare me," i replied. "there's worse parents out there," she said. "parents who tell their kids all the time they're going to leave them, i don't hit you or anything." "go ahead," i said. "hit me if you want to. it'll get me out of here." "see?" she retorted. "that's exactly why i said i can't handle you. why i said i'd take lauren and daisy and leave you with your dad." "fine," i said. "go. just go. and then you can get charged with kidnapping and it'll all come back on you." she snorted and said, "god, you're so stupid." that's just a glimpse of the conversation.

so now i'm grounded for five weeks, filled with so much hatred towards my "mother" i don't know how to hold it all inside my body. but it's only fueling me, angry determination pulsing through my veins. i didn't eat today, and i don't plan on eating until i'm ungrounded. coffee and celery, every day. i got to a new LW friday morning of 145. after a weekend of getting stoned and getting the munchies, i'm back to 149. but with all this rage fueling the fire, i bet i can get back to 145 and thensome by the end of this week. what better to do with a month away from any socialization than fast, if the only time i really eat is when i'm with my friends? better yet, she hates it when she knows i'm getting skinnier. i can't wait to see the look on her face when i tell her i'm down a jean size, when i tell her i need new clothes because all mine are too big. she'll know i'm smarter than her, stronger than her, and have more self control than her, and it'll eat her up inside.

there's more venting and a new Psychology of Ana essay coming up, plus something completely different, so keep reading everyone. sorry this post was so long, but hopefully it had enough drama to stay interesting.

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox



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