Saturday, February 6, 2010

well that went a lot differently than expected...

first i want to respond to a few comments from my last post:

skinnybusiness: there are lots of ways to eat without really ingesting any cals. diet popcorn is a lifesaver, orville redenbacher makes both butter and kettle corn flavors, and the individual bags are 100 cals a pop. celery is also great because it's only 6 calories a stalk, and your body burns 60 cals trying to digest all the cellulose.

J: looks like we're in the same boat. it's a tough transition, but i've made it before. i just don't want to slip back.

Naomi and strawberry//shortcake: zack really is an angel. he's the only one who i can completely trust and confide in without worrying about his reaction. i know i make him worry, but everyone needs someone to talk to.

so anyways. thursday. it went wayyy differently than i expected it to.

as soon as the last bell rang i felt my stomach drop. it was time. i was shaking. my body surged and i thought i might start crying. i took a deep breath, held it in, and walked out the door, making my way through the mass of bodies in the halls to find zack. i stood by his locker, just down the hall from mrs. w's door, waiting. finally i heard my name and spun around. "you ready?" he asked. i shrugged. i felt that nervous smile creep across my face and another surge through my body. "you wanna just walk around for a little bit?" he asked. i nodded.

as we walked, he talked. he told me not to worry, everything was going to be fine, he didn't think my parents would be called. i really wanted to just hold his hand, for comfort. but people would get the wrong idea fast. and that might have crossed the line.

we turned a corner. there she was, just down the hall, standing outside a door to a classroom talking with another teacher. still not too late to turn back, forget the whole thing, leave. but we pressed on.

"so you're the one!" she said, a friendly smile on her face. she pulled me into a side hug and led me to her classroom. she made zack wait outside so she could talk to me alone.

she assured me that she wasn't going to call my parents. she asked me a few questions, what my habits were, and i didn't lie. as the conversation went i told her about my family situation, the pressure i'm always under, that i was dating a girl. she said that she didn't think my eating disorder was so much of a food issue as it was a control issue, a manifestation of all the stress i'm under. she said that being "gifted" could also be a factor, and wanted to talk to mrs. b, the director of the gifted program at my high school. she wanted to get some books from her about what it means to be gifted, and that it might make me feel less isolated. my problems weren't unique, she said, i just had a lot of them all piled up at once. by the end of the conversation i was comfortable, and i felt better. that night i ate dinner, salmon and white rice, and kept it. the first time i'd eaten that much food and kept it in a long time. an accomplishment.

the next day mrs. w told me that she'd talked to mrs. b and that if i wanted to talk to her she absolutely would not call my parents. all i have to do is go in there sometime and say "i'm the one mrs. w was talking about." i just might do that.

today is the last hoorah before i initiate the self-destruction. i want to be blue. i want to be bones. mrs. w said she didn't want me to be below 124. 124? little does she know my fingers were crossed when i made that promise. 124? how about 110? and maybe, who knows, once i'm that close i might just want a taste of double digits. 124? i think not.

i'm going to lie. i'm going to decieve. i'm going to pretend. but that's all just part of the game, the rules you have to follow. and how much fun can a game be when you don't follow the rules?

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

3 comments:

  1. A lot of that sounds familiar.

    I was almost completely honest when I first started seeing the psychiatrist I'm seeing now. Told her about my own family problems (I'd run around from home temporarily when I first called her); how I wish I could make a lot of things different, better; how I always felt I wasn't good enough, even when I got near-perfect grades and won awards; how I hurt myself sometimes. Except that I said I had stopped ana/mia in Nov. 2009, which is semi-true; I didn't tell her I'd started again in late December.

    And she said it sounded like most of what I did to myself, ED and otherwise, was my way of gaining some measure of control. That there's a lot I wish I could control, but can't, so the parts that I can control, I go overkill on. I left her office that day feeling a little scared, because I felt like she'd been able to understand parts of myself that I hadn't ever figured out, but a little relieved too, like there was someone out there who didn't blame me for the way I reacted to things but who wanted to help me through them.

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  2. Well I don't know shit about having someone know, but thats cool. I'm glad your guna play with it. Win. Gross, but when you weigh in with her maybe put heavy thing in your bra and undies. Just a thought that poped in to my mind. Also thank you so much for reminding me about popcorn. I've been on and off for the past month so I kindof forgot about pop corn. Yumm. What are your thoughts on diet soda?

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  3. you are so brave seeing that lady! and when she is into ed's she would know that it is normal to lie if you have an ed!

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