i sat there munching on rice cakes. i actually like my lunch now that i started sitting with zack. no one makes me eat, and the other people who sit there took me in right away. me and one of the guys, jake, have especially clicked. i can't figure it out for sure, but i think there could be some chemistry. which, considering the current status of my relationship, could go somewhere. "i don't think you're really gay," he said. "you're lying." "oh really?" i said. "why's that?" "cuz i haven't worked my magic on you yet," he replied, with sarcasm of course. but by the end of lunch he had bet me $20 that he could turn me straight. (i just might let him try haha). i'm pretty sure he was flirting, and i'd flirt right back. last week, he randomly told me i was pretty. today, he told me he liked that when he teases me i tease him back and don't whine like other girls. and, of course, the "bet." are these all hints? signs? or am i just being hopeful and overanalyzing?
is it horrible that i'm doing this with him?
in the middle of this whole situation with jake, however, were a couple triggering comments. jake ate 3 chicken sandwiches today. i laughingly called him a human garbage disposal, and he retorted "are you calling me fat? do you want me to go throw it up now?" i didn't come up with a comeback, still in that split second recovering from the pang in my chest, and my immediate inner response was "no, that's my job." i looked at zack, who was shaking his head, his eyes saying "just let it go."
then a really fat black girl passed by, so fat that her stomach hung over her crotch. the guys all started talking about how gross the fat girls at our school are, one of them jokingly pointing at me and saying "like you." i don't think he realized it, but that hurt. the other two girls at our table are certainly skinnier than me. why point at me, and not one of them? was it because my location across from him made it easier to point at me, or because there was some truth to the comment?
same weight as yesterday because of a damn bag of popcorn. today will be better. i'm hungry and i love it. running on empty is the best feeling in the world.
stay strong, think thin, live ana