Tuesday, February 9, 2010

how's this for motivation?

long story short, i am fed up with bullshit.

molly decided to inform me sunday morning that she had a crush on some chick at her new school. "just a crush," she said. "like is a lot different than love." i tried to remain calm. she said that after the last time, she'd changed.

apparently not.

as of sunday night, we are in this open-relationship-break thing. we act the same towards eachother, but its basically an excuse for her to do whatever the fuck she wants.

click.

a plan formed in my mind. fast. get skinny. she likes you losing weight. and if she wants an open-relationship, give it to her. kiss a guy. get drunk at that party you're going to friday and make out with some random person. make sure she finds out about it. punish her. make her know that you're not gonna just be a doormat anymore. make her know that there are consequences. make her never want to do this shit again.

i'm in pain.

yesterday morning, i was 152lbs. this morning, 148.5. we have a snow day today, and all i have to do is make some noise in the kitchen to make my mom think i've prepared and eaten a meal. easy.

this morning gave me the perfect boost. while yesterday i was in depressed, angry determination, today i also have that happy, inspired motivation. i looked outside at the snow, so bright and pure, untouched in our front yard. that manic street preachers song crept into my head: "i want to walk in the snow and not leave a footprint, i want to walk in the snow and not soil its beauty." i want to be one with the snow. just as beautiful, just as pure, just as fragile. because maybe when i'm snow, when i'm just fragile bones, no one will want to ruin me. maybe when i'm snow, i will be admired. maybe, when i'm snow, i will have worth.

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

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