i sat down at lunch yesterday feeling just about as good as i usually do at lunch. i've been sitting with zack lately, and his friends: two other guys who could scarf down enough food to feed the whole school (typical guys) and two girls who, of course, barely eat anything. i'm getting to know the other four people, and they're friendly enough. i always sit between zack and jay because to be honest i'm more comfortable with guys (two of my favorite movies are american pie and dude, where's my car?). today i sat down and sucked in my stomach, once again silently begging that zack would not try to make me eat. he didn't. he came back and jay came over and sat down next to me and just randomly looked at me and said, "you look really pretty today."
you look really pretty today.
emotions surged. flattery, disbelief, surprise, relief, mistrust, caution. i was taken aback. was he lying? did zack ask him to say that? i didn't think i looked pretty. i was bloated from taking ritalin the day before (which i'm never doing again) and just didn't feel like i looked that great. but he said i looked pretty? coming from a straight guy, its a valid opinion. i mean, unless zack told him, which he later swore he didn't, he would never know how low self confidence i have, that i have an eating disorder, that i am constantly aching for approval from somewhere, anywhere.
after school i went to the hospital to see my mom and the baby, daisy. (yes, my mother named her daisy. we live in a redneck-y area, and i am calling her daisy duke her entire life and buying her a pair of denim short shorts and a pack of condoms for her 13th birthday. i warned my mother of all of this when she told me that's what she was naming it). it's weird realizing that i have another sister now, that this thing i was holding in my arms making all these little noises shared blood with me, was connected to me in such a powerful way. i am sixteen. my other sister, we'll call her lauren, is eight, the same age i was when she was born. i'm not a baby person, but she's my sister, which leaves me in a kind of weirded out indifferent state. but when she opened her eyes and looked at me, right into mine, it was like she knew that we were sisters. in a year and a half, i will be gone, off to college, cutting off all contact with my mother. will we ever really be sisters if i can't be around like i was with lauren? will she hate me? what kind of propaganda is my mom going to feed her while she's growing up?
i texted zack later last night, and told him i had a question for him. this was basically how the convo went:
me: don't think i'm complaining or mad or anything, i'm just curious, but why do you never make me eat? i mean, when i was on the orchestra trip, g gave me dirty looks and made comments every time i didn't eat.
zack: because you are your own person, and it's your choice. i wish you would, i really do, but i can't force you.
he really gets it. out of all my friends who know, he gets it so well. he understands and he's never even lived it. that's why he's my best friend, why i trust him so much, why i've let him talk me into what he's talked me into.
tomorrow, at 2:35, after school, i will be walking, with zack by my side, into mrs. w's classroom. i will be telling her, "the girl that zack keeps talking to you about? well, it's me." i will be opening my mouth and pouring out all my secrets to the only adult i can trust. i am filled with so much fear, fear that she'll tell my parents, that she won't see me the same anymore, that i won't be able to stop mia, or that stopping mia will take me away from ana. it's going to be tricky. i will have to convince everyone, including zack, that i am eating, that i am being healthy, that the weight i'm going to be losing will be from a healthy diet and healthy amounts of exercise. no one will know that, in reality, the soup they will see me eat at lunch is watered down to less than 50 cals and will most likely be the only thing i eat that day, the thirty minutes i will say i spent working out will have actually been two or three hours, it's all healthy, it's all right, it's all okay. they'll all think that i'm okay, that i'm getting better. i do want to leave mia. as i've said before, i want mia to be a tool for ana, instead of taking over my life.
with so many things in my life changing, leaving, being taken, being forced upon me, with all the pressure, all the lack of control, do you honestly expect me to just let it all happen without trying to take control of the one thing i can?
i've faked it before. i can do it again. i can be one manipulative little bitch. ;)
stay strong, think thin, live ana