Thursday, February 25, 2010

WEBSITE!

i've started my own ana website, with links, books, music, and a web forum. please join!

http://letters-from-ana.webs.com/

xoxoNikkioxox

"Arise" by Flyleaf


Tell the swine
We will make it out alive
There’s a note in the pages of a book
So sleep tonight
We’ll sleep dreamlessly this time
When we awake we’ll know that everything’s alright

Sing to me about the end of the world
End of these hammers and needles for you
Hold on to the world we all remember fighting for
There's still strength left in us yet
Hold on to the world we all remember dying for
There's still hope left in it yet

There's snow on your face
And your razor blade
The twilight is bruised
And there you lie

Sing to me about the end of the world
End of these hammers and needles for you
We’ll cry tonight
And in the morning we are new
Stand in the sun
We'll dry your eyes

Hold on to the world we all remember fighting for
There's still strength left in us yet
Hold on to the world we all remember dying for
There's still hope left in it yet

Sing, sing
Arise

Arise and be
All that you dreamed
All that you dreamed

(Hold on to the world we all remember fighting for)
Arise and be
All that you dreamed
All that you dreamed
(Hold on to the world we all remember fighting for)
Arise and be
All that you dreamed
All that you dreamed
(Hold on to the world we all remember fighting for)

this song screams pro-ana to me. we are all fighting for the same world of perfection, dreaming of the perfect, skinny skeletons we want to be. the "swine" gluttons of the normal world don't understand, they tell us to eat, but we know what we're doing. we know the danger. but it's a war worth fighting for. we just have to arise. and be all that we dream.

stay strong everyone. it's all worth it in the end. keep fighting and you will arise.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

its been far too long

and i have too much to say. i don't know where to start exactly. to sum it up though, i've found a new - and very effective - diet routine, this guy has been creeping on me, and me and my gf are no longer in an open relationship.

okay, first off, the diet. this is how it works:
morning: coffee at QT (8 oz black coffee + 8 oz cappachino -- i looked up the calorie contents of all the flavors)
during the day: celery, and sometimes carrots. i forced myself to start eating plain celery, and now i actually like the taste of it. it's perfect for me because i always crave munchie food, and this stuff actually BURNS calories while you're digesting it. each stalk burns approximately 54 cals.
dinner: i'm at home for dinner every night now since my mom's on maternity leave, so i mix a half package of flavored tuna with 1/3 cup of rice (makes about 2/3 cup cooked)

my body thinks i'm eating, the people around me think i'm eating, and i still run on less than 200 calories a day, and i still lose weight. it's perfect. i got down to my new LW of 146.5 with it, but i've gone up and back down a bit since then. currently at 147 after a gluttonous weekend.

now, let's just call this boy "tom." when things started with him, it was pretty typical. he's a nice guy, a pothead (aka a potential smoke buddy for me), and we just started talking in the same conversation with a couple other people during a biology lab. things progressed, and, me being pissed off about the open relationship bullshit with my girlfriend, i flirted back. when he asked for my number, i gave it to him. everything seemed alright.

now tom never leaves me alone during class or when he sees me in the halls OR when he texts me, he's overly flirtateous and pushy, and i recently found out that he just has a thing for girls who date girls because he "likes the challenge." fml.

at the moment, i'm just trying to blow him off and avoid him. molly has no clue about him, and i still flirt with jay at lunch (he still flirts back) (and he is not a creepy douschbag). i don't do confrontation, so if he doesn't take the hint i don't know how i'll get him to back off.

it seems like out of all the people who have liked me or who i've dated, the only ones who were not assholes, creeps, or annoying and weird as fuck are molly and jay. why is it the bad ones who like me? i guess being the fat girl i'm the best they think they can get?

we'll see where things go. everything will be different when i'm thin. :)

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

interesting lunch period

i sat there munching on rice cakes. i actually like my lunch now that i started sitting with zack. no one makes me eat, and the other people who sit there took me in right away. me and one of the guys, jake, have especially clicked. i can't figure it out for sure, but i think there could be some chemistry. which, considering the current status of my relationship, could go somewhere. "i don't think you're really gay," he said. "you're lying." "oh really?" i said. "why's that?" "cuz i haven't worked my magic on you yet," he replied, with sarcasm of course. but by the end of lunch he had bet me $20 that he could turn me straight. (i just might let him try haha). i'm pretty sure he was flirting, and i'd flirt right back. last week, he randomly told me i was pretty. today, he told me he liked that when he teases me i tease him back and don't whine like other girls. and, of course, the "bet." are these all hints? signs? or am i just being hopeful and overanalyzing?

is it horrible that i'm doing this with him?

in the middle of this whole situation with jake, however, were a couple triggering comments. jake ate 3 chicken sandwiches today. i laughingly called him a human garbage disposal, and he retorted "are you calling me fat? do you want me to go throw it up now?" i didn't come up with a comeback, still in that split second recovering from the pang in my chest, and my immediate inner response was "no, that's my job." i looked at zack, who was shaking his head, his eyes saying "just let it go."

then a really fat black girl passed by, so fat that her stomach hung over her crotch. the guys all started talking about how gross the fat girls at our school are, one of them jokingly pointing at me and saying "like you." i don't think he realized it, but that hurt. the other two girls at our table are certainly skinnier than me. why point at me, and not one of them? was it because my location across from him made it easier to point at me, or because there was some truth to the comment?

same weight as yesterday because of a damn bag of popcorn. today will be better. i'm hungry and i love it. running on empty is the best feeling in the world.

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

how's this for motivation?

long story short, i am fed up with bullshit.

molly decided to inform me sunday morning that she had a crush on some chick at her new school. "just a crush," she said. "like is a lot different than love." i tried to remain calm. she said that after the last time, she'd changed.

apparently not.

as of sunday night, we are in this open-relationship-break thing. we act the same towards eachother, but its basically an excuse for her to do whatever the fuck she wants.

click.

a plan formed in my mind. fast. get skinny. she likes you losing weight. and if she wants an open-relationship, give it to her. kiss a guy. get drunk at that party you're going to friday and make out with some random person. make sure she finds out about it. punish her. make her know that you're not gonna just be a doormat anymore. make her know that there are consequences. make her never want to do this shit again.

i'm in pain.

yesterday morning, i was 152lbs. this morning, 148.5. we have a snow day today, and all i have to do is make some noise in the kitchen to make my mom think i've prepared and eaten a meal. easy.

this morning gave me the perfect boost. while yesterday i was in depressed, angry determination, today i also have that happy, inspired motivation. i looked outside at the snow, so bright and pure, untouched in our front yard. that manic street preachers song crept into my head: "i want to walk in the snow and not leave a footprint, i want to walk in the snow and not soil its beauty." i want to be one with the snow. just as beautiful, just as pure, just as fragile. because maybe when i'm snow, when i'm just fragile bones, no one will want to ruin me. maybe when i'm snow, i will be admired. maybe, when i'm snow, i will have worth.

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

Saturday, February 6, 2010

well that went a lot differently than expected...

first i want to respond to a few comments from my last post:

skinnybusiness: there are lots of ways to eat without really ingesting any cals. diet popcorn is a lifesaver, orville redenbacher makes both butter and kettle corn flavors, and the individual bags are 100 cals a pop. celery is also great because it's only 6 calories a stalk, and your body burns 60 cals trying to digest all the cellulose.

J: looks like we're in the same boat. it's a tough transition, but i've made it before. i just don't want to slip back.

Naomi and strawberry//shortcake: zack really is an angel. he's the only one who i can completely trust and confide in without worrying about his reaction. i know i make him worry, but everyone needs someone to talk to.

so anyways. thursday. it went wayyy differently than i expected it to.

as soon as the last bell rang i felt my stomach drop. it was time. i was shaking. my body surged and i thought i might start crying. i took a deep breath, held it in, and walked out the door, making my way through the mass of bodies in the halls to find zack. i stood by his locker, just down the hall from mrs. w's door, waiting. finally i heard my name and spun around. "you ready?" he asked. i shrugged. i felt that nervous smile creep across my face and another surge through my body. "you wanna just walk around for a little bit?" he asked. i nodded.

as we walked, he talked. he told me not to worry, everything was going to be fine, he didn't think my parents would be called. i really wanted to just hold his hand, for comfort. but people would get the wrong idea fast. and that might have crossed the line.

we turned a corner. there she was, just down the hall, standing outside a door to a classroom talking with another teacher. still not too late to turn back, forget the whole thing, leave. but we pressed on.

"so you're the one!" she said, a friendly smile on her face. she pulled me into a side hug and led me to her classroom. she made zack wait outside so she could talk to me alone.

she assured me that she wasn't going to call my parents. she asked me a few questions, what my habits were, and i didn't lie. as the conversation went i told her about my family situation, the pressure i'm always under, that i was dating a girl. she said that she didn't think my eating disorder was so much of a food issue as it was a control issue, a manifestation of all the stress i'm under. she said that being "gifted" could also be a factor, and wanted to talk to mrs. b, the director of the gifted program at my high school. she wanted to get some books from her about what it means to be gifted, and that it might make me feel less isolated. my problems weren't unique, she said, i just had a lot of them all piled up at once. by the end of the conversation i was comfortable, and i felt better. that night i ate dinner, salmon and white rice, and kept it. the first time i'd eaten that much food and kept it in a long time. an accomplishment.

the next day mrs. w told me that she'd talked to mrs. b and that if i wanted to talk to her she absolutely would not call my parents. all i have to do is go in there sometime and say "i'm the one mrs. w was talking about." i just might do that.

today is the last hoorah before i initiate the self-destruction. i want to be blue. i want to be bones. mrs. w said she didn't want me to be below 124. 124? little does she know my fingers were crossed when i made that promise. 124? how about 110? and maybe, who knows, once i'm that close i might just want a taste of double digits. 124? i think not.

i'm going to lie. i'm going to decieve. i'm going to pretend. but that's all just part of the game, the rules you have to follow. and how much fun can a game be when you don't follow the rules?

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

a compliment, a baby, an explanation, and an intervention

i sat down at lunch yesterday feeling just about as good as i usually do at lunch. i've been sitting with zack lately, and his friends: two other guys who could scarf down enough food to feed the whole school (typical guys) and two girls who, of course, barely eat anything. i'm getting to know the other four people, and they're friendly enough. i always sit between zack and jay because to be honest i'm more comfortable with guys (two of my favorite movies are american pie and dude, where's my car?). today i sat down and sucked in my stomach, once again silently begging that zack would not try to make me eat. he didn't. he came back and jay came over and sat down next to me and just randomly looked at me and said, "you look really pretty today."

you look really pretty today.

emotions surged. flattery, disbelief, surprise, relief, mistrust, caution. i was taken aback. was he lying? did zack ask him to say that? i didn't think i looked pretty. i was bloated from taking ritalin the day before (which i'm never doing again) and just didn't feel like i looked that great. but he said i looked pretty? coming from a straight guy, its a valid opinion. i mean, unless zack told him, which he later swore he didn't, he would never know how low self confidence i have, that i have an eating disorder, that i am constantly aching for approval from somewhere, anywhere.

after school i went to the hospital to see my mom and the baby, daisy. (yes, my mother named her daisy. we live in a redneck-y area, and i am calling her daisy duke her entire life and buying her a pair of denim short shorts and a pack of condoms for her 13th birthday. i warned my mother of all of this when she told me that's what she was naming it). it's weird realizing that i have another sister now, that this thing i was holding in my arms making all these little noises shared blood with me, was connected to me in such a powerful way. i am sixteen. my other sister, we'll call her lauren, is eight, the same age i was when she was born. i'm not a baby person, but she's my sister, which leaves me in a kind of weirded out indifferent state. but when she opened her eyes and looked at me, right into mine, it was like she knew that we were sisters. in a year and a half, i will be gone, off to college, cutting off all contact with my mother. will we ever really be sisters if i can't be around like i was with lauren? will she hate me? what kind of propaganda is my mom going to feed her while she's growing up?

i texted zack later last night, and told him i had a question for him. this was basically how the convo went:
me: don't think i'm complaining or mad or anything, i'm just curious, but why do you never make me eat? i mean, when i was on the orchestra trip, g gave me dirty looks and made comments every time i didn't eat.
zack: because you are your own person, and it's your choice. i wish you would, i really do, but i can't force you.

he really gets it. out of all my friends who know, he gets it so well. he understands and he's never even lived it. that's why he's my best friend, why i trust him so much, why i've let him talk me into what he's talked me into.

tomorrow, at 2:35, after school, i will be walking, with zack by my side, into mrs. w's classroom. i will be telling her, "the girl that zack keeps talking to you about? well, it's me." i will be opening my mouth and pouring out all my secrets to the only adult i can trust. i am filled with so much fear, fear that she'll tell my parents, that she won't see me the same anymore, that i won't be able to stop mia, or that stopping mia will take me away from ana. it's going to be tricky. i will have to convince everyone, including zack, that i am eating, that i am being healthy, that the weight i'm going to be losing will be from a healthy diet and healthy amounts of exercise. no one will know that, in reality, the soup they will see me eat at lunch is watered down to less than 50 cals and will most likely be the only thing i eat that day, the thirty minutes i will say i spent working out will have actually been two or three hours, it's all healthy, it's all right, it's all okay. they'll all think that i'm okay, that i'm getting better. i do want to leave mia. as i've said before, i want mia to be a tool for ana, instead of taking over my life.

with so many things in my life changing, leaving, being taken, being forced upon me, with all the pressure, all the lack of control, do you honestly expect me to just let it all happen without trying to take control of the one thing i can?

i've faked it before. i can do it again. i can be one manipulative little bitch. ;)

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox