Friday, January 22, 2010

"Swept Away" by Flyleaf

Help help help

Out out out out out out out now now now now now

The evil fell from your pretty mouth wrapped in your classic voice
Angelic in your syntax, demonic in your motive your pretty eyes don't know
That the water flowing from this well isn't fresh
Demolish all that sets you up against your rising up
Confessing all that's broken and watch the healing come
Spread out your open hands
Admit you've held them shut
Turn all the way around
Be swept away by this.
Time for surrender
Spread out your open hands
And He will raise you up
Confessing all that's broken
And watch the healing come
Spread out your open hands
Admit you've held them shut
Be swept away by this
Your clothes are smooth and spotless
The air is putrid sewage downwind of your pressed church clothes
Your eyes are black and empty
Your deeds are just for showing how big and bright your fake smile glows
I see you moving and their getting scared
Their eyes are focusing on something else
Your staring at me and I stare at you
I rage against everything that you do.
See them surrender
Spread out your open hands
And he will raise you up
Confessing all that's broken
Look at the healing come
Spread out your open hands
Admit you've held them shut
Be swept away by this

I see you moving and their getting scared
Their eyes are focusing on something else
Your staring at me and I stare at you
I rage against everything that you do
Get this hell out out of my way
There's nothing more that you can say so
Get this hell out get this hell out out out of my way

We spread our open hands
And he is rising up
Repairing all that broken
Look at the healing come
We spread our open hands
Forgiveness holds them up
We're swept away by this.

Out out out out out out
Now now now now now now

* * *

I know this is a christian rock song, but right now its the only thing keeping me from falling off of the edge of my sanity. if you replace "he" with "she" and think of ana, the song applies perfectly to our world. i have not eaten since monday, lying my way out of meals and chewing and spitting into ziplock bags when i just can't take it anymore. every day i feel more alone and more fragile. last night i wanted to pop prozac again, just to take the edge off all the pain. the only time i feel good is when my stomach growls, when i see the scale down another few pounds, when i lay down and feel my bones, crying to be let out for air. as i run my fingers over them i sooth their cries, assure them that they will soon surface.

not even zack knows that i haven't eaten. under normal circumstances, i would have told him about this morning, how i made it three steps from my bed before the edges of my world began to turn black, closing in as fast as the ash explosion from a volcano. only a small field of vision was left before i closed my eyes and braced for impact, only to be brought back just before the walls closed in. i would have told him that i lost three pounds in one day. i would have told him that last night i ran laps around my basement until my knees shook. i would have saught attention.

but these are not normal circumstances. i do not want to be told to stop. i do not want to be pitied. i want to be envied. i want to be admired. i want to be worth something to people. i want people to want to talk to me. i want friends. i want friends. i need friends...

i have wants. i have needs. i am human.

why does it seem that no one sees this?

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

1 comment:

  1. I'm so sorry you're having a rough time. :( My thoughts and prayers are with you.

    ReplyDelete

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