as i said, my goal this weekend was to do as best as i could. and aside from a miniscule plate of spaghetti noodles and parmesan saturday night, i did just that. aside from the noodles, i ate only when i absolutely had to. i pulled every excuse and lie out of the book of ana classics and i made it. i did not gain an ounce. in fact, i think i may have even lost some weight, because this morning i was feeling really full and nauseous (i think i drank too much fluid yesterday and it hurt my stomach or something.. i have no idea) and was bloated and feeling really full. so by tomorrow, when my system is all flushed out, i'm hoping to be down at least another pound.
tomorrow zack is going to talk to mrs. w. i don't know what my chances are of her taking on my case, not turning me in, just trying to help me. i do not intend to start eating normally, to stop fasting, to leave ana. i just want to lose this constant binge-purge cycle that has taken control of me. that was probably the hardest part of the weekend, not binging and purging. mrs. w is really nice, a psychology minor, and really good with students. she's friends with her students, if they let her be, and i do let her be. by the time i get underweight, i will no longer be in her class, and she'll have no proof that i'm not losing weight by "healthy" means. right now, i just want help leaving mia. i want to only purge when i'm forced to eat, like when my parents decide to go out to dinner, or on saturdays when we go to my parents' friends' house and eat takeout or pizza or fatty italian food. i want to control myself, not be controlled.
i've been depressed today, not sure why. i feel so alone at school now. i talk to people in class but there's no one i'd ask to hang out on the weekends, no one i wait and meet up with in the halls, no one i'd even text on a regular basis. the only people i could really call my friends are a guy who goes to college, my gf, an ana buddy who obviously i only ever talk to through text, and zack, who i only ever talk to through texting now that marching band is over. i've had slight thoughts about changing schools next year, but unfortunately the school i go to is the best public school around. so i guess i'm stuck.
have you ever felt completely alone, even though you're in the middle of a suffocating crowd?
stay strong, think thin, live ana