Thursday, January 7, 2010

me & mia

goal today: DO NOT EAT.
reason for goal today: DO NOT THROW UP.

my knuckle is scabbed. my teeth hurt. the inside of my lips feel corroded. my lips are chapped. i can't get the taste of bile out of my mouth no matter how much coffee i drink or how much gum i chew. any time i take a single bite i get horrible heartburn, as if my stomach knows that food almost never stays long nowadays. i want to waste away, not be eaten alive by stomach acid. this week all i've been trying to do is eat without throwing up. i keep telling myself, don't do it. you don't want this. don't throw up. DON'T THROW UP.

i am pro-anorexia. why would i desire to be absorbed in bulimia. it has gotten to the point where i do not feel in control because of purging, i feel as if mia is controlling me. i have been so depressed this week, caught between the desire to starve and the desperation to stop throwing up. i used to just throw up meals. now, i still do that, but i also have binge-purge episodes. the last one was so bad. friday night, i came home late from molly's and my mother exploded at me. screaming, cursing, searching through my stuff, just absolutely went crazy. i snapped a rubber band on my wrist so violently it left welts, still fairly visible today. after my mom went to bed a few hours later, i went in the kitchen and got some chips and dip leftover from new years. i ate. by the time i was done with the massive plate, i went back. everyone asleep at this point, i made a sandwich. then another. then four more. i grabbed a chocolate milk and brought the feast to my bedroom. by the time i was on the last sandwich, i was crying, forcing it down even though i was half scared my stomach would rupture. i threw up into a gallon sized ziplock bag, tasting only chocolate milk. by the time i was done, i had filled half the bag. half a gallon of puke.

i texted zack last night, not knowing where else to turn. he is going to ask my psychology teacher, we'll call her mrs. w, if she'd be willing to talk to me without turning me in to the counselor or my parents. she talked to a friend of my gf when she was really addicted to weed without turning her in, and i'm hoping she'll be willing to do the same for me. i won't tell her about ana, or the blog, or anything. i still want to be ana. i just don't want to be controlled by mia. if she gets suspicious from weight loss, i'll assure her i'm doing it the healthy way. i'm a master at deception.

even though i haven't thrown up since sunday, i still have the binge impulse. when faced with food, i cannot resist. the ana in me keeps it to a minimum, but all the snacking has put be back up to 155. i need to fast today, just to prove to myself i still can. it's a snow day, so i'm at home all day. right now i'm sipping some black coffee, and i brought some sandwich baggies to chew and spit lunch and dinner into, if need be. hopefully, i'll just trash the food untouched.

this week has just been so hard. molly doesn't go to school with me anymore, she moved into the neighboring district. this week back at school i have felt so lonely. without her to see and talk to, it's made me realize how few friends i really have at school. at lunch i sit with people i barely know, just to have the security of a familiar face. needless to say, my social anxiety has been at an all time high this week. i hate loneliness. but at the same time, it's thinspiring. because maybe when i'm thin, when i'm beautiful, everyone will want to be my friend.

i've been listening to the song "breaking the habit" by linkin park. it really relates to how i feel about mia. just on a loop, over and over, as if i'm half thinking that if the message sinks into my head enough, it'll be some magic cure to send mia away for good.

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xoxoNikkioxox

3 comments:

  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  2. I can empathize.... never have I ever felt so afraid, so out of control, as when mia was ruling me. Stay strong, I kno wyou can conquer this.

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  3. hi, i dont usually do this but when i saw your stats in the top corner (height, goal etc) and first few sentences i felt like i was reading my own story. i have been ana for 5 years, and was hospitalizrd last year. i now have problems with mia, and know exactly how you feel.
    stay strong, if i can survive so can u.

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