well hey everyone! it feels like i haven't blogged in months. between a band trip in the middle of the week and just no access to the net in general, i just haven't had the chance. i missed it!
i have a lot to catch up on. wednesday we left for our trip. i brought a whole bag of snacks, everything measured and calculated and baggied to be 100 cals. all i ate was 45 cals worth of diet popcorn. when we stopped for lunch, we went to burger king. after a veggie burger, onion rings, a vault, and a trip to an empty bathroom, no one noticed my bright red knuckle or my bloodshot eyes. i ended up telling my friend about it, and, surprisingly, she didn't force me to eat the whole trip. i got by eating a max of 10 bites at every meal, and it definately paid of. why? because i am at my lowest weight ever. 148. i hit my goal, and i'm the skinniest i've been since i stopped getting taller. i must say it really is the best feeling in the world.
the dull hunger in my stomach and the confidence from the feeling of loose clothing are the only things keeping me sane. me and molly have been having some problems lately, she's been under a lot of stress for various reasons and we haven't been seeing eachother as much since she switched schools and while i was on the trip we ended up having a couple spats. she ended up telling me that she feels like we're drifting apart. i wasn't aware of this. i thought we were doing fine, that it was all going to be okay. i'm trying to just let it roll off, convince myself that she'll come around, this will blow over, and focus all my energy on losing weight. if i keep my mind busy with that, there's nothing else to worry about.
in other news, zacks been talking to mrs. w lately and trying to get me to talk to her. my deal with him is that i will only talk to her if there is a 100% guarantee my parents will not find anything out. i do want to leave mia, i had another impulsive binge-purge episode last night, but there's no way i'm leaving ana. until the episode last night, i had not eaten a regular meal, had not eaten more than 200 calories in a day, since last saturday. that is the longest i've gone successfully restricting. and look how well it's paid me off :)
stay strong, think thin, live ana